Daughter refusing school move - how to get through this

[Corilee2806]

I could really use some advice and reassurance. We’ve decided to move our children (6 year old DD/4 year old DS) to a new primary school. I know deep down it’s the right decision, but I’m crumbling under the weight of her resistance.

She’s bright, likely neurodivergent (in the middle of assessments) and often presents as fine at school - compliant and fairly quiet, but we see the cost at home. For months now, she’s had constant tummy aches, particularly at bedtime, which escalated around a month or so ago with hospital visits and multiple trips to the GP and time off school, but no physical cause found so it’s assumed to be anxiety. She says she doesn’t want to go to school, it’s a battle to get her in every day and we’ve had more than one disclosure of children being unkind or physically rough including a recent incident where a boy put his hands around her neck and another ongoing case of a child threatening her daily, which we reported as a safeguarding concern but nothing has been done. She is meant to have a pastoral support plan but we haven’t seen much evidence of this.

Despite her teacher being kind, the wider support isn’t there. It’s clear the current setting just doesn’t get her and she’s not safe socially. In the last year her friendship circle has really changed and she doesn’t play with many of her old friends. When things were at their worst she said she didn’t want to be alive anymore.

We’ve found a smaller, more nurturing school that feels like a much better fit. They have space now, so we’ve submitted the in-year transfer forms. Her brother will move too and he is young enough to be ok with it.

But she’s now saying on repeat, her tummy hurts and she’s not moving schools. Meltdowns every night. Threats not to get in the car. It’s relentless. And it’s only directed at me - she’s not saying this to her dad.

I know this is about fear and loss of control. But it’s absolutely breaking me. We’ve done all the prep, met the new teachers, showed her photos, talked about uniform and lunchboxes, given her a sense of agency where possible. She loved it when she was there. I know the change is scary for her.

I know we have to be calm and hold the boundary but I’m doubting myself so much. Should I just keep going with the plans and deal with the upset?

I agree with this. At that age I had to choose carefully what I explained to my son and what just happened. Some things needed prior warning to allow him time to adjust. Other things required that he was just swept up in the moment or he’d resist and argue back ad infinitum. I remember explaining this to his teacher. I was so in tune with his needs that it was obvious to me but not always obvious to others. Given you already have displays of negative fixed mindset on this, you are going to have to find a way of making the first day a success. At least by going before the dinner holidays she has time to adjust before September.

She’ll just start saying she’s not going and I can’t make her over and over

She is 6. Yes you can make her. End of discussion.

Yes please change now it will only get worse - also do it before end of term - if you wait for new school year build up fear over summer might result in a worse problem. if you can manage it and school allows I suggest a staged visits. Ie car park first day to watch kids play, second day bring teacher some fruit so she can be praised / build relationship / third day 1hr in classroom etc
your daughter will need to be told what’s going to happen in advance and stick to it - she’s fearing unknown as likes routine

Thanks so much for all the advice, it really helps. There isn’t really anyone I can talk to about this. I do know it’s for the best and she can’t ‘refuse’ but it’s just trying to navigate the change and make it as smooth as possible. For context, I have realised I am also probably autistic and also find change hard. I think I avoid it if possible so this is a big thing for all of us.

good advice about trying to keep the time between talking about it and doing it as smooth as possible - it’s two weeks until the end of term so think we will try and aim for her to have at least a week at the new school.

Also appreciate what people say about smaller schools and SEN - have really weighed this all up carefully and thought about pros and cons. Unfortunately there is a real gate keeping approach at the current school and despite me explaining my children’s challenges repeatedly, asking for meetings, plans etc it falls on deaf ears. They have not responded well to the incidents we have raised. On the other hand, the families I’ve known who have moved their children to the smaller school for similar reasons have been really happy with the nurturing approach of the school and the SENCO is much more can do and available even with working there fewer days a week. It may not be perfect but think we have to give it a shot.

You are making a decision based on what is best for your children. At 6 years old, your daughter can't make big decisions, and neither should she. Of course she's going to be upset, she's only ever known this particular school. Change in ND is particularly hard, and it sounds as if she has a lot of anxiety. Have you looked at how to manage her anxiety? Strategies, particularly at night, that may work. I'm sure there are parents out there who can help in this area, to give you ideas. You must do what is best for your children long-term; staying at her current school isn't going to help long-term, it will merely ease the anxiety regarding changing schools, but won't ever change the fundamental issues.

And I know we can make her and that she’s 6 - I’m just trying to find ways of making the change easier and getting her more on board especially in the face of these looping thoughts every night. I do know this a situation where we have to be the parents and make a decision she may not like in the short term, and I really hope that one day she will understand why we did it even if she doesn’t now.

OP, I moved my (autistic) children when they were in Y1 and they are 15 years old now and don't even remember their first school.

I know it feels painful now but your DD will adjust and will barely have any memories of the first school.

If you're autistic too you probably experience big, intense feelings which is why this feels so difficult. Just focus on getting the changeover done with little discussion or fuss - you'll feel much better once it's done.

Don’t talk about the old school either if she ever brings it up once she has moved, in your mind act like it was burned down, it’s gone. Don’t ever speak of it again because there is no going back, especially if she is ND.

Don’t make the mistake when you think she is settled to say ‘now are you happy you have moved?’ Because she is never ever going to say ‘oh yeah thank you!’ Even when she is 20.
It will just remind her of the old school and upset her.m all over again.

She might remember some little things over the years and mention it about her old school, just change the subject as quickly as possible. Forget about it and don’t let her get into another loop.

you are doing the right thing, good luck.

@SpidersAreShitheads yes I really do - I think I avoid big changes especially if I know they will cause emotional upheaval. It’s so hard but trying to focus on the long term and why we’re doing this for her.

you said that she doesn’t complain about all this to her dad. Just to you. Could he be a bit more involved in the discussion or the taking her to the new school? Take the lead?

He might be doing this anyway, so sorry if I missed it

We moved my AuDHD daughter to a new school for very similar reasons to you, and I really do feel your pain and struggle - we also had the bedtime anxiety loop which felt like it went on forever and comes at you at the worst possible time for you to be able to deal with it calmly and effectively as you yourself are on your knees with exhaustion (and also have another child to get to bed).
It’s extremely stressful managing this situation, you don’t know for sure that the new school will be better, it’s a leap of faith. All I can say to you about our experience is that I wish we had done it sooner. Our daughter is really thriving now in a smaller, nurturing school and I am grateful daily that she is now there and not where she was. it did take a while to settle, as change is hard but it is so worth it.
We said to our daughter that we understood she didn’t want to move school, but that she was too young to make that decision and that we had decided this was what was happening. Sometimes the stress for them is in the choice? Or perceived choice/options? So she just had to trust that Daddy and I had made the right choice. End of discussion. We just said that on repeat and changed the subject.
My advice to you is to give it as little air time as possible and be breezy about it. I also, like other posters think that the sooner you do it the better. If you wait for September you’ll have the anxiety over it for the next two months. Focus on the positives and while not ignoring her stress, try and breeze past it. We found kids sleep stories on the Calm app really helpful at bedtime to help take her mind off it.

Thanks @Runforcarbs - your daughter sounds very similar to mine. I will keep on trying this approach and keeping it bright and breezy. I know if she senses my anxiety it won’t help so we have to appear confident in the decision. Which I do feel confident- it’s just this final push to make the move.

you’ve all given me the final boost I needed and have formalised the paperwork this morning. Hopefully we can make the move next week or for the last week of term.

and re my husband being involved, definitely going to try that - main reason it’s more me is that I’m around more as currently not working and he always has to be with DS at bedtime. Two very routine focused children!

You are completely right, in that the more confident you are in this the less anxious she will feel. This is easier said than done when it feels so big though! But if you can “fake it til you make it” then I think it’ll be easier all round.
You’ve made a very difficult decision to move, it’s always easier to stay put BUT you know it isn’t working and so something has to change. It sounds like the current school have already proved that they can’t meet her (or your younger child’s needs) and I absolutely applaud you for taking the very brave and positive step to move them now.
My daughter was 9 before we moved, I kept hoping things would get better, when actually they just continued to get worse. So, I know all situations are different, but i actually and genuinely think that you’re doing an amazing thing here, and should feel very proud of pushing forwards for positive change. 💐

What do you and your husband do workwise?
Will their be any children she really is upset to leave behind?

I mean if you can, I would take her out, very loosely home educate her for a while, maybe do some fun trips to places that might be too busy for her in the actual holidays. Then just start her back in her new school in September. That might not work though if you really think she will be heartbroken not to have said goodbye to special friends.

I honestly don't understand this "school refuser" thing. She's 6. Just take her to school. Don't give her a choice... she's 6. What's she going to do about it? Be a parent and tell her what she's doing, not the other way around.

I just don't get it.

Maybe ask her dad for advice. He's clearly doing something right.

If you can, I'd take her out of school for the rest of term and start her fresh in September at the new school.

My DD had school refusal around then - she now has great attendance thanks to a brilliant SENCO.
I wasn’t offering her a choice, but going to school meant an hour of violence, screaming, destroying the house in the morning.
For her then to be carried in kicking and screaming by a teacher. It’s awful.

Not saying OP’s daughter has these reactions, but we’re not all pandering to our kids, it’s just very challenging at times when they are so distressed - it’s not just defiance

@Sophiehoney You’re making a lot of assumptions from a position of little understanding.

she isn’t refusing to go to school but she is finding it hard to be there and go in each morning. She goes every day and masks brilliantly. What no one sees is what happens at night - the obsessive fears, the stomach pains, the panic that spirals until she’s clinging to me in tears saying she wishes she didn’t exist. And worse. She has been referred to CAHMS. She’s 6. That’s not a child being defiant. That’s a child barely coping.

And for the record, “ask her dad” implies there’s some secret strength or discipline I’m lacking. He’s equally concerned. We’re parenting as a team. This isn’t about who’s “doing it right.” It’s about protecting a six-year-old who’s breaking down under pressure most adults would struggle to handle.

If that doesn’t make sense to you, that’s fine. I just came here to ask people who may have experienced similar get her to feel more positive about the move.

A "school refuser" doesn't have to be a child that literally won't go to school. It could be a child that is spending their days so far out of their comfort zone that they lose all respect for themselves, feel unable to cope with anything and live their life in misery learning very little. It's not big or powerful to cause psychological damage to your child just because they can't stop you.

Surely the sensible option here is to wait until September?

Why would you go through all this stress and hassle for a few weeks? It's just not worth it at all.

This will give your DD a natural circuit break from school altogether and then hopefully she won't be as resistant to the new school in September?

@Runforcarbs thank you for your kind words, it helped to read after a wobble when I picked my son up today and his teacher said ‘ are you sure this is right for him?’ After a year of them not seeing his needs in pre school. I’m so sorry you went through this with your daughter, I can totally understand why you wanted to see if it would get better as we’ve been tempted to do the same. I’m glad things got better for her.

@Crunchymum i had assumed the same re September start but lots of advice saying the long wait over summer could make the anxiety worse and a short settling in period now could be beneficial. Think it depends on the child though!

and to those who’ve said about taking her out now, home schooling etc - all options are possible as I’m not working at the moment. I do want her to have the opportunity to say goodbye to some friends though as she will be sad to leave them.

We moved for the last few weeks of term, which worked well. Make new friends, don't spend all summer stressing about the unknown and got to do the new class transition with everyone. That said, he had been out of school for a few months, so it wasn't one school one day,and new one the next. Also had the cycle of what if I don't like it, so I replied what if you do. I wouldn't rule out a bribe/reward for completing the day or week either.

As someone whose ND child is currently out of his absolutely useless neglectful school due to full blown ebsa - take her out now, give her the summer off and start with the new school in September. She's burnt out. She's telling you the only ways she can that she can't cope - i wish id taken my son out earlier instead of following the schools advise to drag him in regardless of how much damage it was doing. Can you arrange for her friends to see her outside school?

If a child was reacting like this about going home, social services would be called. But if they react like this to going into school, it's the child that's the problem?!

Please ignore that person. Most people don't get it (including my own parents whose only advice was "have you tried telling him to go to school?" Errr Nooooo never thought of that, thanks so much for all your valuable help!)

It's soul destroying. You assume a school would actually want to help children but they don't always, and i think people wouldn't actually believe how far a school would go in order to avoid doing what they're legally supposed to do to help a child, even if it results in a child being harmed.

Id report the safeguarding to the local authority if you haven't already.

I would (and did with mine) remove her from the original school ASAP. She isn't enjoying it, she isn't safe and there is no point in investing any more time in the school. It will prolong the transition and will be confusing. For the new school I would request a phased transition if you are able to have them at home some days. If the school hasn't yet had sports day I might avoid that because it is likely to be noisy and chaotic, unless she loves sports obviously. Transferring now means it is a little more relaxed, also she will have some kudos from being the new girl. On first day back in September they will all just be catching up on each other's news. It might also be possible to get a few contact numbers and meet up over the summer.