Daughter refusing school move - how to get through this

[Corilee2806]

I could really use some advice and reassurance. We’ve decided to move our children (6 year old DD/4 year old DS) to a new primary school. I know deep down it’s the right decision, but I’m crumbling under the weight of her resistance.

She’s bright, likely neurodivergent (in the middle of assessments) and often presents as fine at school - compliant and fairly quiet, but we see the cost at home. For months now, she’s had constant tummy aches, particularly at bedtime, which escalated around a month or so ago with hospital visits and multiple trips to the GP and time off school, but no physical cause found so it’s assumed to be anxiety. She says she doesn’t want to go to school, it’s a battle to get her in every day and we’ve had more than one disclosure of children being unkind or physically rough including a recent incident where a boy put his hands around her neck and another ongoing case of a child threatening her daily, which we reported as a safeguarding concern but nothing has been done. She is meant to have a pastoral support plan but we haven’t seen much evidence of this.

Despite her teacher being kind, the wider support isn’t there. It’s clear the current setting just doesn’t get her and she’s not safe socially. In the last year her friendship circle has really changed and she doesn’t play with many of her old friends. When things were at their worst she said she didn’t want to be alive anymore.

We’ve found a smaller, more nurturing school that feels like a much better fit. They have space now, so we’ve submitted the in-year transfer forms. Her brother will move too and he is young enough to be ok with it.

But she’s now saying on repeat, her tummy hurts and she’s not moving schools. Meltdowns every night. Threats not to get in the car. It’s relentless. And it’s only directed at me - she’s not saying this to her dad.

I know this is about fear and loss of control. But it’s absolutely breaking me. We’ve done all the prep, met the new teachers, showed her photos, talked about uniform and lunchboxes, given her a sense of agency where possible. She loved it when she was there. I know the change is scary for her.

I know we have to be calm and hold the boundary but I’m doubting myself so much. Should I just keep going with the plans and deal with the upset?

Kindly, it doesn’t sound like you’ve dealt with a school refuser with ADHD/anxiety. DS2 is 18 now and genuinely a gorgeous creature, kind, compassionate and loving. At 6…. An absolute fecking nightmare. He hated school and getting him there was nothing short of a nightmare. He’d punch and kick me, slap me, pull my hair and spit at me just for trying to dress him. If I managed to wrestle him into his clothes he’d run off, lock himself in the bathroom and get undressed. If I managed to get him clothed to the car I’d have to keep hold of him, if I let him go he’d run away and hide. I tried everything to sort it. Took parenting classes the lot. I’m ashamed to say I even slapped him back a couple of times through sheer frustration. Oh to have a child that would just do what you asked 😊

I had a child ( now adult ) who was very badly bullied for a prolonged period at a primary school with a ‘cover up’ culture. I tried everything I could think of to try and solve the problem .
A teacher actually phoned me at home and said ‘ do not tell anyone I called you but what your son goes through at school no child should have to endure ‘ .😓

He was bed wetting / crying himself to sleep / never asked to play at anyone’s house etc etc .
I managed to get a place at another school with a great reputation for pastoral care . The entire atmosphere of this school was different.
I thought he’d be so pleased when I told him but he was really upset & absolutely refused to change schools .I was completely bewildered.
I overrode him and moved him . He settled in really quickly & honestly never looked back .
Trying to analyse this & asking him about as he grew older he said he couldn’t imagine that school could ever be good & that he’d just have to face another , different set of bullies .
He’s now a confident and happy young man with loads of friends .
It was the best decision I ever made .

I'm not surprised you slapped him back. Jeez.

But still, as tough as that sounds, he's still 6. He's a lot smaller than you. Bundle him the back of the car and take him to school. It's hard, but presumably you did it and now you have a nice young man.

You can't let a child hit, scream, slap and spit 😷 at you and the consequences for them are nothing but a nice day off. It's a receipe for disaster for him, you, the whole family, and the whole of society when he's finally old enough to go out into the world by himself.

@Corilee2806 go with bright and breezy about it. If you can, try and find some cool facts about the school that would appeal to your DD. e.g. "Did you know, this school has a chess club?" or "They have outdoor forest lessons at this new school. OMG can I come with you?!?! It sounds really fun!!". If there's any negativity, go for a quick topic change.

I'd recommend starting before the term ends so they don't spend all holiday worrying.

Some days I did it, some days I just couldn’t. It was a dark time for all of us. It was completely driven by anxiety. He’s been under the care of CAMHS on and off for years.,He has a huge mistrust of them now though as all they want to do is shove him on ADHD meds. We’ve just found a brilliant private counsellor who he’s really clicked with. He’s told her things I’ve never heard him tell any other professional.
And yes, he is a nice young man now but still carries his anxieties with him.

When I bundled my ten year old into the car, they tried to jump out like the film Ladybird and on another occasion, nearly made me crash the car.
I have worked in education for thirty years.
I used to judge parents until I became one.
School refusal whilst trying to hold down my job (in the same school so you can imagine) and be single mother to two ND children is the single, hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
You cannot begin to imagine it unless you've lived it.
A strong young teen removing their clothes as quickly as you're putting them on whilst kicking out is trying to wrangle an octopus. It is not because mums do not care about attendance or education that a child may end up not going in - all mothers I know want their children in school. It is the practicalities of being physically strong enough whilst keeping them safe.
I had to fireman's lift one of mine as a child.
I also once I got them to school one time had to brute force pull them from the car and drag them literally across the yard as the school staff could not/would not help move them.
It is like moving a mountain.
You do not know unless you have been there.

Hi again OP
Hope you are winding down now in the last couple of weeks.
If at all possible, arrange with the new school the equivalent of a "taster day" whereby they visit a few lessons preferably with an LSA or key worker just to help the transition. Or a phased return in the first two weeks (although a full return from first day, ripping the plaster off, might be better in terms of not being different. You know your child).
I had two children move schools and they missed the first two weeks of term due to LA admissions being slow. It did no harm.
Good luck!

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies and kind words, it has really helped while I've been feeling very wobbly about it all in the last few days. But it is all official now subject to a bit of paperwork with the LA, it's a bit complicated because of my son having a reception place and it's a different process to just doing an in year transfer. But in theory we could move as early as next week. They both have some fun days as term winds down so I am thinking next Friday could be their last day or as some people have suggested they do a few taster days in the final week and finish at their current school as normal on the last day of term. Either way I definitely want them to do a few days at the new school before the summer to take the big scary unknown factor out of it a bit.

This morning I heard my daughter telling her little brother about the fact they are going to a new school and I know she has told her friends as I went out with the mums last night and they all knew (and were absolutely lovely about it). So I think on some level she is accepting it.

It has been so hard, I know not everyone will understand why but this school has been part of our community for 4 years and still will be as it as it's at the end of our road. Walking away from that is not easy, and it does feel like a leap of faith.

To everyone who has dealt with school refusal and children struggling with the demands of school, I see you. Mine are still little and can be physically manouvered in the door (not that I ever enjoy doing that) but I can only imagine how hard it is when they are older and bigger. I have no idea what's to come in our future. But hopefully we can find the right setting for them both and see them actually wanting to walk through the door (most mornings- I'm not completely unrealistic!).

If she's already worried then maybe best to move her now rather than let it fester over the summer. She'll do some end of term fun stuff and you can get to know some parents to arrange play dates over the summer. It'll make September easier that way.

I'd do the move now. I can only talk about my own dc but it was best to get big changes done and dusted ASAP. The new school will probably be on wind down for the summer - just make sure your dd can be included in anything different thst theybare doing - eg joining in with something on sports day, places available if there's a trip etc.

Thanks again everyone for all the advice - we really thought about it all and made the decision for them to finish today, so they left their current school which felt like a big moment but I know it’s the right thing - just terrible at change! That means they get a week to get to know their new school which isn’t long, but at least it will be a bit familiar when they go in September. My daughter also is hopefully going to get her autism diagnosis (she had her assessment yesterday, so just waiting final outcome) which will be really helpful to get a good idea of what support she actually needs. Here’s hoping things improve next school year! Tonight I’m feeling the sadness but also hope.

After one day she will be ok. You are doing the right thing x

Hope the new school settling in week goes well. Over the summer try and walk past the new school and point out with a happy excited face hey that's your new school - what a great climbing frame bet you'll enjoy planning on that!

playing on that! Make it seem going to new school is very desirable.

It sounds like things are moving forward - did she start the new school today? If so - I hope it went ok. If it didn’t, then hang in there as it’ll take time. My daughter took all of the first term really to settle into the new routine. I do hope you’re doing ok, it is a huge decision you’ve made, and now carried out, but as we’ve said, the previous school simply wasn’t working for her and something had to change. Also if you get the formal diagnosis that can help. Do you have an EHCP? I have everything crossed for you, and her. But the right environment is key. The change in my daughter over the past year has been huge, I do hope your experience will be similar.

She did - and her brother. A big day, lots of feelings about it all but just really hoping it’s the right move for them both. I know it will take a while but I’m hoping them doing these 4 days will take some of the uncertainty and anxiety out of the situation before the long school holidays - they’ll go into the same classrooms and have same teachers in September. She also had her autism assessment last week and in the agonising wait for the outcome now - just really hoping whatever it is gives some clarity of what support she needs. Based on what the assessors said it sounds like she will be diagnosed with something. We will probably apply for an EHCP for both the children in the next school year - previous school had us believe it couldn’t happen especially as my daughter is bright. Really glad things have improved your daughter - hopefully we’ll be telling the same story in a year!

And just to round it off as things feel like they’ve all fallen into place a bit today - she got her autism diagnosis. Full detail and report to follow but I feel full of hope knowing that they are in a school willing to listen and try and to support them. My son will likely follow too (on waitlist). All a lot to get our heads around but things make more sense now. And, they came out from their first day buzzing! I know there may still be wobbles but it was lovely to see. Thanks again for all the lovely words on here.

This is good! Things sound like they are moving in the right direction now. You have done amazingly well, to have secured and moved to a better environment, and also to have a formal diagnosis, this things are so hard to navigate and you’ve done it. Both things will help your daughter so much in moving forward. I am so glad to hear that your children came out buzzing from school! I know it was such a hard decision to make, but I really do think that moving them now even just for 4 days will mean that you have a much more relaxed summer. I hope your evenings have improved a bit? I think you’ve been an absolute hero for achieving this for your children. Keep going and well done to you! X

@Runforcarbs yes this week has felt like a big relief all round! Early days and of course the fun last week of term but they are both skipping in happily - I can’t remember the last time I saw my daughter do that. Evenings are improving, she still complains of tummy aches a bit but the distress is a lot less. I’m so glad we did the move this week, it will make September a lot easier I think. Thank you so much for your kind words - I struggle to trust my gut sometimes! But in this case it feels right x