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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The advantage of never having made school gate friends is...

57 replies

RichardOsmanTheSecond · 03/07/2025 20:14

I am not part of any class WhatsApp and am generally happily oblivious to the drama, politics and class collections. That is a win!

If you've not been able to make any friends at the school gate (despite wanting /trying to) what are the unexpected advantages?

Yes, I know plenty of people choose not to and that's fine. This is aimed at mums like me who are feeling maybe a bit down that their kids are unlikely to get any play dates with school friends over summer and you wont be involved in any end of year celebrations etc.

OP posts:
Minecroft · 03/07/2025 20:17

Politics

gossiping

cliques

being asked to do things for the PTA

having make conversation with people that you wouldn’t otherwise be friends with

RobinHeartella · 03/07/2025 20:19

If you are down about it, then why not go to the class rep and ask to be added to the group chat?

With play dates, you have to be forward with inviting/organising those. No time like the present, text a mum right now and suggest a day next week, you've nothing to lose.

If you don't have any numbers then do the first bit first

Muffsies · 03/07/2025 20:26

I haven't made friends with the parents at the school gate, and have actively avoided getting on the WhatsApp group.

I have, however made a couple of friends with parents at the athletics and gymnastics groups that my son goes to. The advantage is that he makes friends with kids outside of school, and I don't get overwhelmed by a parent I have to see every day.

So the advantage is that I have broadened both our horizons, and also kept my social boundaries to manageable levels!

Didimum · 03/07/2025 20:28

Oh I love the WhatsApp drama. I don’t have any school mum friends so don’t get involved, but I lap it up and have a very good laugh.

Redpeach · 03/07/2025 20:30

You can make friends at school gates without getting involved with drama, politics collections, such a cliche. Just get involved with school events and you will male connections

bandaidsdontfixbulletholes1 · 03/07/2025 20:33

It won’t be long before you don’t even need to know the parents for the kids to arrange things themselves (you will literally be texting strangers to arrange the lifts and that’ll be it) and then you never have to make small talk with a random parent again! Even better once they’re at secondary school. Make your own friends, who have actually the same interests as you, and life is much nicer.

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/07/2025 20:37

When men make friends through work its networking.

When women make friends with other mums at the "school gates" they are
a) being bitchy
b) being cliquey
c) excluding other mums
d) trying to ruin other children's social lives with their sharp elbows

I have been on this site for over a decade and I still find the paranoia and conspiracies about "school gate mums" and their "bitchiness" and "cliqueyness" dumbfounding.

Let people make friends with whomever they wish. Or not as the case may be. Get involved with it all or don't. Stop taking it so personally. It's not intended as a sleight against you or your kids and its not personal. You'll find that the less you care about it, the easier it gets.

BookishBabe · 03/07/2025 20:38

My husband left me for a school gate friend last tuesday after 16 years together.

I'd much prefer it if we did not have a school gate friend.

Areyouserioushuh · 03/07/2025 20:48

My Resting bitch face puts them all off and im so happy about that.

Redpeach · 03/07/2025 21:02

BookishBabe · 03/07/2025 20:38

My husband left me for a school gate friend last tuesday after 16 years together.

I'd much prefer it if we did not have a school gate friend.

Sorry that has happened, but many affairs start at work as well, shall we ban work friendships

Farkinhell · 03/07/2025 21:17

I walked past another mum on the way out of school the other day telling her kid 'i just don't like to stand around making small talk with other parents' and wanted to high five her!

I am friendly if approached though, but am more than happy to stand waiting on my own!

mindutopia · 03/07/2025 21:34

Just because you aren’t going mummy prosecco nights with all the other mums from school doesn’t mean your dc can’t have play dates and all that.

I am notoriously anti-school gate chatter and friendships. I breeze in to drop off and collect. I generally stay out of all the gossip. I don’t go to nights out or socialise much with other parents unless I have to.

But my dc have friends and over the years I’ve gotten to know their parents. My dc still have play dates (no parents). We still get invited to things like BBQs and picnics and such, things with the kids. I don’t really socialise with any of them without dc. I don’t have any interest in it. Some of them are lovely, but I generally have my friends and I don’t need loads more. There is A LOT of drama and it’s very nice to stay out of it. But it hasn’t impacted my dc’s social life at all because they don’t make their friends through me (I just have to do a little bit of coordination).

I am very grateful to be on the periphery. No one is inviting me for wine nights (I don’t drink anyway so not my scene!), but when it all kicks off, and it does (!!), no one hates me and refuses to speak to me or let their dc play with mine. We stay very neutral and actually I think because of that, everyone quite likes us. It’s very worth staying well out and keeping your trusted circle small.

Pickingmyselfup · 03/07/2025 21:35

I'm finishing my 6th year now doing the school runs and I've had absolutely no drama. Some people I know to talk to in the playground, sometimes we chat and walk home. I was friends with one outside of school but we drifted apart naturally, we both have other stuff going on that doesn't really fit with the other.

Any group I've been involved in is literally just school chat, I know if absolutely no drama. More drama happens at my workplace with less people in it although that's pretty low on the ground too.

Holiday24 · 03/07/2025 21:43

Our school WhatsApp isn't particularly dramatic. Just people asking if it's non-uniform day, or chasing party RSVPs mainly.

I don't think many people will be lifelong friends with the parents they meet at the school gates, so I don't think you're really missing out on anything!

crissee · 03/07/2025 21:48

It would never occur to me to make friends at the school gate, I walk there kiss them goodbye (my children, not the other mums) and walk away.

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 03/07/2025 21:51

I think most aren’t unavoidable hotbeds of drama.

Bday invites
Special event reminders
Homework clarification etc

If you are facing a holiday without playdates etc, you may find that being on there is a useful point of contact for your kid’s friends.

PaxAeterna · 03/07/2025 22:07

I’ve made a big effort at the school gates. My eldest is distinctly left out and over the years I’ve been left out of the chats and liftsharing and arrangements. I’ve two other children who are much more successful socially so I do have school gate friends but I can’t feel anything but sad that one of my kids struggles like this.

I still try anyway. I don’t see anything good about it.

EarthlyNightshade · 03/07/2025 22:33

I have lots of lovely school gate friends.

An advantage to not having any would be no awkwardness if your DC and their DC fall out, which inevitably happens at some point. Also, you'd never hear anything about who's getting tutored and who's reading Lord of the rings despite only being four.
You can take your own DC to football games or whatever and not have to take half the team, whose parents are inevitably working and never return lift favours.
You don't hear about parties that your DC was not invited to and does not care in the slightest about but if you knew you'd be upset they weren't included.

It should be possible to arrange play dates without being friends with parents. And it's not a long time before the kids independently make friends and your role in that is done (apart from taking them places, that goes on for a while)

Original poster
RichardOsmanTheSecond · 03/07/2025 22:37

So posts missing the point.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 03/07/2025 22:40

Try and sort out a play date, no doubt there’s others in the class hoping someone will contact them. Or organise a group soft play meet up (make sure you find a way to let people know everyone pays for themselves!!)

Flysander · 03/07/2025 23:16

I have no school gate friends after 3 years. But all parents are on the class Whatsapp and take part in the collections. I don't mind that, the Whatsapp is mostly practical and I'd much rather do class collections for teachers than sort out individual gifts.

For me no playdates is an advantage - no disruption of family time, the awkwardness of visiting other people's houses or having them in mine, and no obligation to be free childcare for someone else's kids. I'm out of the gossip loop so have no idea what has happened with other kid's parties, parent divorces or pressure about academics and extracurriculars.

I haven't been roped into any volunteer roles - my free time is mine to do as I please.

I sort out holiday camps, after school and weekend activities based entirely on my DD's interests, and not just on what a friend has been booked on, so she gets to do more interesting activities and widen her social circle.

AnotherGreyMorning · 04/07/2025 05:43

Really wish I had never been at school gate. For the reasons in op.

PepsiForEva · 04/07/2025 05:54

Personally I love missing out on the Whatsapp group. Dcs have been at the same school for 11 and 9 years respectively (ir goes from pre-school to A levels) and alot of the parents have also gone right through. The issues have become part of school legend. There was one massive drama pre-covid that is still talked about. Currently the drama is apparently a petition that has been set up to get rid of the HT. When these things are mentioned at the literal school gate I just say 'Oh, I'm not on the whatsapp group. ' and glide off. Much better to just Not Know about some things.

If you are worried about your DCs not getting invites over the summer, OP, why not ask them who they like and approach the parents directly? As for end of year celebrations just casually ask someone 'Are there any plans? I'm not in the whatsapp group'. I have done that a few times over the years. But tbh mostly I and the DCs tend to just crack on with our own things so it does not bother me much. I have a couple of 'friends' who I will chat to if we meet and have arranged a lunch-date or two myself, but I have to go out of my way.

Cartwrightandson · 04/07/2025 06:10

Op I feel you. My eldest started highschool last September and before that he took himself to school for year 5 and 6. When they go to high school..no more school gate issues, it's great! 😃

Muffsies · 04/07/2025 08:46

RichardOsmanTheSecond · 03/07/2025 22:37

So posts missing the point.

Enrol your kid in a club outside of school, like swimming, dancing, or gymnastics. You'll find the parents at these clubs are more relaxed than the parents at the school gates and it's somewhat easier to make a friend. It's also good for your child to have friends outside of school (as well as having a hobby/sport).