AIBU for noticing this?

[MyBusyWriter]

From reading posts on here such as the one where the mom wants to take her son out to eat one on one for his birthday and his wife gets upset at not being invited or the other one where a mother wants to take her son out to a baseball game there is a pattern I have noticed.

I've noticed that once a son gets married and has kids, the expectation is that his mother will prioritize her role as a grandmother and support the family unit as a whole. But sometimes, this can feel like a shift away from the mother-son relationship.

For example, if a son wants to spend time with his mom one-on-one, it might be seen as taking away from family time. Or, if he vents to his mom about his wife, she's expected to remain completely neutral or even shut down the conversation by telling him she won't listen to negative talk about his wife. Some might even expect her to point him in the direction of a therapist, implying that his issues are his own problem to deal with. It's like there's an unspoken rule that a mother's role is to support the marriage at all costs, rather than nurture her individual relationship with her son or offer emotional support.

And it gets even more complicated when it comes to showing appreciation for her son's accomplishments. If a mother wants to treat her son to something special for working hard or achieving a milestone, it's often viewed as undermining her DIL or not recognizing her efforts. Like, somehow, showing love and appreciation for her son is seen as a criticism of her DIL.

It's interesting to note that the dynamic can be different for mothers and daughters. When a daughter vents about her husband, her mother is often expected to be a supportive listener. And when a daughter wants to spend time with her mom, it's usually seen as a normal and healthy part of their relationship. Mothers of daughters also seem to get a pass when it comes to showing appreciation and support - no one expects them to stop being their daughter's mom just because she's married or has kids.

I'm curious - have others noticed these dynamics? How do you navigate these relationships and expectations? Do you think there's a double standard at play, or am I just reading too much into it?

Literally no one is saying that. 🙄
You have created your own narrative to argue with people.

I don't read a lot of DIL/MIL threads. But I may have seen at least one of the threads you were talking about, OP. The husband's mother had booked a birthday day out on his birthday, excluding the OP. There was another, complicated one wherein the husband's birth family arranged very expensive tickets to an overnight event, assuming the OP would stay at home with the children.

I think both those husbands were shits for going along with their mothers' plans to eliminate their wives from significant celebrations. The mothers were also prats for making arrogant arrangements.

My H has sadly lost his mum but he has his dad and stepmother and step siblings. I will be honest, I have no real interest in visiting them. But I pay for him to go at least twice a year for a few days. I think if I didn't bother he wouldn't either. I do find it weird because his dad and stepmum are lovely and I'm extremely connected to my own family. I think it's more family dynamics than a gender thing?

I now can’t find the birthday thread do you have the link for it by chance?