AIBU for noticing this?

[MyBusyWriter]

From reading posts on here such as the one where the mom wants to take her son out to eat one on one for his birthday and his wife gets upset at not being invited or the other one where a mother wants to take her son out to a baseball game there is a pattern I have noticed.

I've noticed that once a son gets married and has kids, the expectation is that his mother will prioritize her role as a grandmother and support the family unit as a whole. But sometimes, this can feel like a shift away from the mother-son relationship.

For example, if a son wants to spend time with his mom one-on-one, it might be seen as taking away from family time. Or, if he vents to his mom about his wife, she's expected to remain completely neutral or even shut down the conversation by telling him she won't listen to negative talk about his wife. Some might even expect her to point him in the direction of a therapist, implying that his issues are his own problem to deal with. It's like there's an unspoken rule that a mother's role is to support the marriage at all costs, rather than nurture her individual relationship with her son or offer emotional support.

And it gets even more complicated when it comes to showing appreciation for her son's accomplishments. If a mother wants to treat her son to something special for working hard or achieving a milestone, it's often viewed as undermining her DIL or not recognizing her efforts. Like, somehow, showing love and appreciation for her son is seen as a criticism of her DIL.

It's interesting to note that the dynamic can be different for mothers and daughters. When a daughter vents about her husband, her mother is often expected to be a supportive listener. And when a daughter wants to spend time with her mom, it's usually seen as a normal and healthy part of their relationship. Mothers of daughters also seem to get a pass when it comes to showing appreciation and support - no one expects them to stop being their daughter's mom just because she's married or has kids.

I'm curious - have others noticed these dynamics? How do you navigate these relationships and expectations? Do you think there's a double standard at play, or am I just reading too much into it?

@AlertCat Is it the one who congratulated her son on buying a house but not tagged her DIL ?

See but that’s just it even if the DIL is interested in doing those things it’s still the mother’s right to have alone time with her son married or not. Why is that a problem to nurture your own relationships with people. Being married doesn’t mean she is no longer his mother.

There was another recent thread on here with a woman was upset that her mil invited just her husband and child out for things like coffee here and there but again if a mother were to invite just her daughter and GC out and not invite the husband/SIL no one would bat an eye. People may night wanna admit the double standard but it exists

But you’re stereotyping. Just as much as you say these mothers can’t let go. Why do they have to let go when mothers of daughters aren’t expected to discard their daughter upon marriage? And for ever crazy MIL there is a crazy DIL who can’t accept the fact her husband has a mother he wants to spend time with as well. It goes both ways.

Again I see it play out where a MIL of a son is expected to solely support the marriage and not individually support her son and his needs bc god forbid she gets accused of being cold to her DIL. She is effectively expected to champion for and treat her DIL like a daughter and view her as equal to her son almost.

But that’s usually because the husband wouldn’t want to go if their wife went for coffee etc with their mother. I know my partner couldn’t imagine anything worse than having to sit with us gossiping over coffee.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with mothers having alone time with their sons. I do think it needs to be balanced with family time, especially if they have children, and shouldn’t prevent the wife from spending special occasions with their husband.

Did you actually read what I wrote? I never said they can’t let go. And I didn’t say all boy mums. I’m saying of course you see a lot of these on the internet because people post to vent or for advice.
So no I’m not stereotyping at all. I’m saying the mums you are reading about are these crazy ones. Just like you are going to be by the sounds of it.

You earlier commented saying why couldn’t you get your son a gift for becoming a new dad? Of course you can but why would you not get something for the mum who actually grew and birthed said child???

It seems like you are going to make what you want of what I wrote instead of actually thinking about the other side. The extremes of some of these women. It’s not a double standard it’s crazy narcissistic behaviour. It’s the “you’ve brainwashed my baby” when he realises his feeling matter. It’s the “you’re taking my baby from me” when they grow up to be adults. God I’ve read about a “boy mum” who faked a heart attack when the wife went into labour because she couldn’t stand that she wasn’t the centre of her son’s universe!!! Luckily the wife knew something like this was going to happen and wasn’t in labour the first time but it opened her husband’s eyes as to the lengths his mum would go.

yes but that’s not the point the point is if the husband wasn’t invited in the first place no one would bat an eye but if a DIL isn’t invited to a mother son hangout all these phrased like apron strings and mommas boy gets thrown around

@MyBusyWriter it’s still the mother’s right to have alone time with her son married or not.

What..? No it isn't. You don't have rights over another adult's time. Unless they're your employee I guess.

To address your comment about why wouldn’t I try something for the new mom that’s exactly the double standard I’m talking about. Of why is it not acceptable for a mom to once in a great while do a nice thing for her son independent of his wife without the DIL being well what about me. Her son is her child her DIL isn’t. The same could be said in reverse each time the daughter’s mom takes her out and pays for her mani pedi well where is her son in law’s treat? Each time she buys her clothes well where are your son in laws clothes?

I mean she can ask her adult son but she shouldn’t be required to invite her DIL every single time she wands to see her son

My mil rocks and im happy for the to spend time alone

It's hardly a double standard.

Who do you buy a gift for the person who ejaculated 9 months ago, or the person who carried a baby for 9 months, then spent hours in labour, gave birth and will now be recovering.

You're really weirdly invested in this scenario considering you're supposedly not the poster you keep going on about.

Ok I get it. You are going to ignore the points that make sense and try to argue a point you think you can win!

A gift for a new dad is not the same as an odd gift because you thought of your son. And by the way may crazy MIL does this and I don’t mind at all. She is still crazy but that isn’t an issue.
My mum hasn’t bought be clothes since I was a child. You have some real issues.

I really feel for any future DIL you may get. I’d suggest therapy but you probably won’t see what your problem is.

Have a day!

To be fair she normally invites me cos we get on well

I absolutely agree that it should be normal to see your child without their partner but the devil in the details. It depends on family traditions, relationships between people, how much 1:1 time partners are having between them.
We have practically zero 1:1 time as a couple due to our child disability and it definitely affects our marriage so I won’t like my DH spending spare time with his mum, sorry. However in some circumstances I was ok with this in the past - him going to visit her on his own when I was ok to stay with our child alone.
Also in my family one to one time was never the case, even before I was married I didn’t go to a theatre with my mum neither was DH. But again I don’t see the problem in principle doing something with your parent if it’s ok with your partner but I wouldn’t put as a right (as a demand) more like an agreement with mutual respect without alienating partners.

100% sounds like a past poster who was uncomfortably entitled to a special relationship with her adult son.

Maybe she thought that if she voiced the same issue as a theoretical future situation opinions would differ.

But no. Unhealthy dependence on your adult children, to the detriment of their spousal relationships, is still frowned upon.

Does your husband spend time alone with his mother? Does she take him out to baseball games?

Just from my personal life and observations, I think there’s always an expectation of a son to become the “man of his house” who can stand on his own two feet etc and it is more acceptable for the woman to be able to lean on her family for support. I think it’s easy to forget that to the son’s mother, he will always be her baby, the same way a daughter will always be.

"A son is a son I til he takes a wife"

What a load of old shit.

It's interesting the examples you chose.

One a wife being treated like crap and one where a son is treating his wife like crap but you expect the mothers to answer them both the same.

My son is no different to my daughter, or a friend, if he's being a douche bag, I'll tell him.

Maybe we stop analyzing all the relationships between women and realized that if men did their share with regards to the home but also family admin/ remembering to looks after their families immediate and outside that we wouldn't have this issue.

Both women end up feeling like they're competing because men are doling out scraps.

A comparison would be where a husband would go to a football match with his dad and his son but wouldn't invite his wife because she isn't interested in football and doesn't support the team. No-one would bat an eye at that scenario.

You have small children but you already seem miffed that you won't be able to spend time alone with your adult son once he is married. You are already taking offence against an imaginary DIL.

What if you son is gay and marries a man. Will you still feel the same?

Oh and it doesn't bode well for future DIL that you're already worried about losing your precious baby 🤮

Are you the poster who got pissy when she congratulated her son on buying a new home on Facebook and the girlfriend replied about being happy to be in their new home? Your post reads very oddly and defensively, maybe people should just support their kids and respect their life choices rather than doing down their DILs and then there wouldn’t be an issue.

No they don’t, unless 1) the mother has form for being a narcissist/ attention seeker or 2) they are inviting them at an unreasonable time e.g. your example of wanting to take their son out for dinner alone on his birthday or 3) they have form for always wanting their son to do too much or at unreasonable times

Yes exactly. I do really think there’s this expectation that if a son vents to his family particularly his mother they will side with the wife or almost take up for her like she is their daughter and a mother of a son is expected to almost forget that her son is her son and defend her DIL or tell her son she won’t get involved and not to talk about his wife that way

Not at all, but she should acknowledge if he’s in the wrong and is behaving unreasonably.

I must say I’m actually pleasantly surprised over half of mumsnetters see my point. It’s definitely an element of “support the family unit” “you are now a grandmother and your role is solely being a grandmother to your GC but don’t ever acknowledge that you are also your son’s mother.” Because family unit that is present and expected with mothers of sons that isn’t expected with mothers of daughters .