AIBU for noticing this?

[MyBusyWriter]

From reading posts on here such as the one where the mom wants to take her son out to eat one on one for his birthday and his wife gets upset at not being invited or the other one where a mother wants to take her son out to a baseball game there is a pattern I have noticed.

I've noticed that once a son gets married and has kids, the expectation is that his mother will prioritize her role as a grandmother and support the family unit as a whole. But sometimes, this can feel like a shift away from the mother-son relationship.

For example, if a son wants to spend time with his mom one-on-one, it might be seen as taking away from family time. Or, if he vents to his mom about his wife, she's expected to remain completely neutral or even shut down the conversation by telling him she won't listen to negative talk about his wife. Some might even expect her to point him in the direction of a therapist, implying that his issues are his own problem to deal with. It's like there's an unspoken rule that a mother's role is to support the marriage at all costs, rather than nurture her individual relationship with her son or offer emotional support.

And it gets even more complicated when it comes to showing appreciation for her son's accomplishments. If a mother wants to treat her son to something special for working hard or achieving a milestone, it's often viewed as undermining her DIL or not recognizing her efforts. Like, somehow, showing love and appreciation for her son is seen as a criticism of her DIL.

It's interesting to note that the dynamic can be different for mothers and daughters. When a daughter vents about her husband, her mother is often expected to be a supportive listener. And when a daughter wants to spend time with her mom, it's usually seen as a normal and healthy part of their relationship. Mothers of daughters also seem to get a pass when it comes to showing appreciation and support - no one expects them to stop being their daughter's mom just because she's married or has kids.

I'm curious - have others noticed these dynamics? How do you navigate these relationships and expectations? Do you think there's a double standard at play, or am I just reading too much into it?

It's heartbreaking, but it seems like there's a societal expectation that a mother's role changes drastically once her son gets married. The phrase 'a daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son till he takes a wife' rings all too true. When a daughter vents to her mom about her husband's shortcomings, it's seen as a normal part of their relationship. And I get the PP's point that when a man vents regarding the example I gave it's about him not stepping up in his relationship. But when a son vents about his wife, it's often reduced to 'he's just not stepping up.' That's missing the point. This isn't about who's right or wrong in the marriage; it's about a parent supporting their child. A son looking to his mother for support and a listening ear shouldn't be complicated. It's not about taking sides or fueling conflict; it's about being a parent and offering unconditional love and support.

And it's not just about venting - it's about everyday interactions, too. Once a son marries and has kids, every interaction his mother has with him is suddenly scrutinized through the lens of 'how can she support the family unit?' Even small gestures, like giving him a gift to celebrate his new role as a dad or checking in on how he's adjusting to fatherhood, are met with 'what about his wife?' or 'don't forget to check in on her too.' It's like his mother is expected to prioritize the entire family unit over her own relationship with her son.

Oh I've seen it on here but mostly on this other forum where someone said to a MIL posting and said, "why are you even listening to your son talk negatively about his wife you should be telling him not to talk that way about his wife and to take his issues up with her."

What other forum?

So these “people” are mumsnet threads you have seen and on another forum

ok

The entire crux and style reminds me of a mediocre (at best) first year A level sociology student

I still stand by my point that there is a sense of loyalty mother in laws are expected to show to their DILs even at the detriment of their relationships with their sons or loyalty against their own sons of saying I won't hear of any negative talk about your wife that isn't expected of a mother daughter relationship.

The bigger picture a mother could treat her daughter to a day of shopping and mani pedis and no one would say, "oh you cut into your daughter's precious family time with her husband and child." But can you imagine a mother wanting to take her son out for a day of shopping and eating out. It would be well what about his wife? That's their limited time together and you didn't even invite her? Your son is a grown man and he doesn't need mommy to take him shopping.

Yes that's correct and a bit in real life as well.

Dealing with in laws

So your viewpoint is based on
your in-laws
a few mumsnetters

op, get some fresh air, talk to friends, watch a good tv programme, exercise

navel gazing and building entire belief systems on the basis of your in-law and a few posts you have seen is not only toe
curling for others to read but not healthy for you!

But your role as a parent does change as your kids choose a partner.

I know I will always be important to my kids, but their partner and kids should absolutely be their priority.

If you're truly supporting your child then you should be supporting their relationship, and should also be supportive of the person they choose to spend their life with too.

The poster you keep talking about who buys her son gifts for being super dad sees the wife as competition, its a very odd dynamic there.

I can quite honestly say I've never felt scrutinised or pushed aside or whatever, because I know that the natural order of things is that I won't always be their number 1,and nor should I be. My role as they grow is to parent and guide them to make the right choices, then to stand back and support them in their choices, and that means being supportive of the family they choose too.

Why would you make life harder by competing and causing rows instead of having a good relationship with the partner they choose?

I get that you're coming from a place of supporting the family unit, but let's be real, that doesn't mean a mother's role has to change in a way that erases her relationship with her child. Supporting a child's relationship doesn't mean shutting down conversations with them or prioritizing their partner over them. And it's not about competing with the partner or causing rows; it's about having a genuine relationship with your child that's not defined solely by their marital status.

Spending time individually with your child, recognizing their accomplishments, and showing them love and support shouldn't have to completely stop just because they're married. A simple gesture like giving a gift to celebrate their new role as a dad or checking in on how they're adjusting to fatherhood shouldn't be seen as undermining their partner. Can't a mother still have a special bond with her child without it being perceived as a threat to their marriage or family unit? Can't she still be a mother to her child, without being expected to sacrifice her relationship with them on the altar of family unity?

I'm sorry, but I stand by my point that I don't think a mother of a daughter is expected to 'stand back' in the same way a mother of a son is. There's a double standard here that can't be ignored. Mothers of daughters are often still expected to be closely involved in their lives, offer advice, and provide emotional support, without being seen as interfering with their daughter's marriage. Why can't mothers of sons have the same kind of relationship with their children?

Why would it be erased?

As I said earlier I've made sure I have a relationship with my sons partners as well.

I'm not being erased at all.

I take my sons bf and gf out for lunch on their own sometimes, and sometimes I take my sons. I buy little gifts that my sons partners would like just because sometimes, and I do the same for my sons, I message their partners asking how they are or just general chitchat or silly tiktoks or memes they would like, I do the same for my sons.

I put in the effort with the people my sons love, because I love my sons. As such I've never had problem at all.

You don't have to prioritise their partner, but you do have to understand that they will, and should, prioritise their partner. You can either fight against that or accept it and adapt your behaviour.

The poster that you keep referring to sounds like she totally undermines her DIL and sees her as competition, she isn't a good example of what you're trying to prove here.

Ultimately if you love your children, you don't want to make their life harder, so you make sure you have a good and open relationship with their partner and that means there won't be any issues, and if there ever are you can have a conversation.

Sounds like you’re saying you’re going to always be on your son’s side, even if he’s in the wrong ? So, typical mommy’s boy thing

Judging by your actual words OP, you have all the makings of a dreadful MiL. And mother tbh.

You definitely sound like the author of the thread who wanted to speak to her son on the phone multiple times a week around the time her DiL came home from work.

Nobody agrees with either (version) of you!

@MyBusyWriter I'm sorry, but I stand by my point

Yes well, that's the problem isn't it? It doesn't matter what anyone says, you're determined you're right. And I suspect this will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I feel smothered just reading your posts.

Ok so if I moan to my mum about DH then yes she does listen sympathetically (for a bit and then tells me to get a grip as he is a good egg really) but woe betide if I try to criticise him in front of my Dad. My dad, being a man, can always see (and explain things) from a male perspective. And actually that’s really helpful too.

likewise my DH can have a bit of a moan about me to his dad but if he tries with his mum she tells him to give over. she will also
help him see things from my perspective, and coz it’s his mum he respects her advice (she’s great and always has my back) but she does it because she loves him and knows I love him too and wants me to be happy so he is happy too.

so no she doesn’t just nod along sympathetically when he moans, she helps him see my point of view, which then helps us sort things out. That’s way better surely? She is a very involved mum and mother in law

i wonder whether OP’s like this read the responses, basically unanimous that the OP is barking up the wrong tree and think…. “Maybe my view is a bit off and / or more about what’s going on in MY specific life than actually indicative of any kind of trend or pattern”?

Sadly I doubt it with this one.

What about dads? Is it weird for a daughter to go out one to one with her dad? Or for a son to do it?

I see my dad separate from dh because I go visit in the day when dh is working (dad in care home) we do sometimes visit as a family on a weekend. When my parents were younger I would sometimes go out with mum just the two of us.

Dh sometimes does stuff with his dad but never his mum, but I think that’s more lack of common interests. I have occasionally gone to a spa or similar with mil but we do mostly see them as a family unit. I’d be happy for dh to see them alone tho but they would be offended if I didn’t go.

Its more about the son and the expectation that as a grown man, he'll prioritise his obligations to his wife and children over his mother.

The issue you describe tends to stem from:

• men being more likely than women to neglect family/home responsibilities, to the detriment of their wife/kids/relationship
• mothers who think their sons are perfect or can do no wrong

Ime women rarely have an issue with their husband seeing his mum unless its that he doesn't do his share at home. Eg the bloke who disappears off to his mums house to be spoiled by her every sunday, leaving his wife dealing with the kids.

Or the doting mum who's delighted to hear her son's been made captain at the golf club but fails to reflect that her daughter in law is knackered and sick of doing everything while her husband plays golf half the weekend.

I have no issue with DH seeing his mum. Because he does what he needs to at home.

It’s not a double standard. The difference is these mums of boys tend to go crazy. Jealous of the wife for “taking her baby away”. Often used as substitute husbands because they are in loveless marriages.
Also these tend to not be too bad until a baby comes along and the boy mum tries to insert herself as her 2nd chance.

Where as the mums of girls, in these situations, aren’t jealous of the husbands. Are there for their daughters.

I am not saying it’s every boy mum but people aren’t going to write online to say how great their MIL are they come to vent.

In my personal experience my mum does stay neutral when I have complained to her. And she has called me out if I’m wrong. Yet my MIL thinks her son can do no wrong.
A few years ago now she was talking about how awful her niece’s husband had been. He’d spent money on alcohol when the baby needed nappies and she didn’t have deodorant. Really went on a rant. I mentioned how her son had done something similar (not alcohol but spent a lot of money on a day out) and left us with no money that month. My gran bought us some food and my mum and sister gave me money to get to work. She went “oh”.

She can do no wrong, she’s always the victim. Nothing is her fault. She has no care for how other people feel. Doesn’t care to learn how times have changed in regards to child safety. I ended up having panic attacks thinking she wanted to steal my baby with how she was acting. I was an incubator. I’d been with my husband 18 years before we had our daughter and she got crazier. She was overly upset I chose to breast feed. Wanted to get a next to crib for her house. Bought bottles and a steriliser for her house “just incase”. And. Million more things. My mum has not.

My husband can see her whenever he wants but I keep my distance for my mental health.

Yea it’s stereotyping but men and women are fundamentally different. Women are typically the nurturers and value emotional connection. Men aren’t. Even when they try to be, they’re just a lot more simple in that respect.

No, I haven’t noticed this at all. What I have noticed is that MIL appears to have no interest in seeing DH or BIL on their own at all, but does have a lot to say about wishing she had had a daughter…

My DS’s GF doesn’t mind at all if DS comes over here or we go out if she is working at weekends or away seeing family or friends.

I have no problem with my DP spending time with his mother. In fact, last year the two of them went off and did a cookery class together and I entertained his dad for the day and took him out for lunch.

I would be annoyed if she wanted to take him out for dinner on his birthday and I wasn’t invited as I would also want to spend his birthday with him.

I agree with this ^
you should be really careful with venting to family.
As to doing things ….It does takes up family time. Plus I suppose the problem might arise when mum and son is doing something DIL might be interested too e.g shopping, theatre, trip somewhere.