To not follow school uniform rules?

[RichardOsmanTheSecond]

Daughter is 14. I'm beginning to wonder if she has autism. She is VERY picky about socks and shoes. She has worn the same specific school shoes and non-school shoes for the last 4+ years.

She changes school in September and they have different shoe requirements.

Her school shoes broke last week. They are not repairable even short term. We'd normally just replace them but I'm having to do overtime to pay for all her new uniform and kit. I dont want to spend £50 on shoes for 15 days. Plus I couldn't get them until Sunday anyway.

I am pro-uniform and have always followed the rules (even if they are stupid).

I sent in a note explaining that her shoes broke, we wont be replacing them as she is leaving in a few weeks and is wearing plain black, unbranded walking boots. Her boots are perfectly practical, and at this time of year are no scruffier than all the other school shoes!

Yesterday she got a break detention for a uniform violation. She told me it was because she forgot her pencil case. I got a call today to say she has had a second uniform violation and she will be getting an afterschool detention. Turns out, both were about her shoes. They dont care that she has 15 school days. She needs to wear school shoes.

I did not give them permission to keep her after school. My daughter would rather have detentions than deal with new shoes and the idea of wearing the school spares freaks her out. Thats why she lied aboit the pencil case (we've spoken about that).

Now I have to meet with the head of year to "discuss my concerns". Thats booked for Wednessday. My daughter can wear her boots until we have met. There will be less than 2 weeks at school by then.

Its ludicrous. I will phone on Tuesday to rearrange the meeting for later in the week because Im not wasting my time (and presumably the HOY has better things to do too). I'll just do that over and over if necessary until they either see sense or give up.

So AIBU?
Yes - you and your daughter are not special. Stop making the teachers jobs even harder.
No - the school are being ridiculous and need to use common sense at the end of the school year.

I respect both your delaying strategy and your daughter's choice to lie about the detentions. That is pretty clever of her. It would be a bit hypocritical to tell her off for lying about that when you are similarly lying about your availability though!

I'd be ill on the day you're supposed to meet and discuss your concerns so it can be delayed longer and then maybe they'd say there's no point now.

Uniform rules are insane and I'm so glad I left them behind.

This sort of bollocks is exactly what turned me from being initially very pro school uniform to now thinking it needs to be scrapped.

You might as well give someone with autism the choice of diving to the Titanic or climbing Everest.

Did you post this exact thing a couple of days ago, except now the DC is suspected to be autistic (of course they are! 🤔)

Why don’t you have a look on Vinted for the school shoes she really likes to wear at this current school. You might get a pair for a couple of pounds that will do the job for next two weeks. Worn but good condition shoes often sell for £3-5! Worth a look!

"Its ludicrous. I will phone on Tuesday to rearrange the meeting for later in the week because Im not wasting my time (and presumably the HOY has better things to do too). I'll just do that over and over if necessary until they either see sense or give up" - I agree, I would do this, with 2 weeks left, and your daughter in sensible enough shoes, the job is done. Whereas I quite like a good standard and respect a basic set of rules, there are some mad things that go on iro of uniform. If anyone (esp. from the North) remembers the snow which started late Nov 2009 until Jan 2010, whilst lovely in some respects, meant that children were trudging to school in it - our local school only allowed children to wear certain types of shoes, which for girls was a black t bar or dolly style shoe with socks, boys faired a bit better (I had one of each at the school), but both styles of shoe for girls were completely unacceptable given the weather, they sat all day in wet cold socks and drenched shoes. Wellies or sturdy boots would have been far more suitable. No dice. I know it is a different set of circumstances, but stick to your guns, and if you have to resort to a few white lies to achieve your aim, then do it. You are not being unreasonable,

I have autism. I had to follow school uniform rules despite hating uniform for various sensory reasons. I hated unfamiliar school shoes. Several of the kids at my schools had autism, some were more affected by it than me.

if she can’t cope with the uniform and won’t wear other shoes she needs to be in a non uniform school, SEN school or be homeschooled.

if your daughter refuses to wear school shoes she cannot attend a school with a uniform policy

re reading this she may just have to suck up the detentions.

so yes YABU

My prediction will be the head will let her wear the shoes as you are struggling with income. So I wouldn’t panic.

If she would rather suck up the detentions than change shoes, which it sounds to me like she would rather do with the lying about the pencil case business, I’d just let her do that. She’s 14 and wants to make that choice. Yes, the whole thing is bloody ridiculous but if she’s happy with that outcome then I’d respect that.

RTFT

I am sure it's possible to but a cheap version of what is currently allowed. What is the current school's shoe?

Can you explain what these differences are? I am personally baffled as to how different school shoes can be (DD has attended 2 different secondary schools and worn the same shoes at both. I can’t even remember what the rules about shoes are, to be honest).

No.

To be honest most secondary schools are like this. Uniform policies are very strict. My son's school is changing their PE kit for September 2026, which means I'll have to buy an entire new kit for my son to wear in his last year!! I don't think my son's school would tolerate a non-school shoe, even for the last two weeks either. I agree with you, to go against the policy, try and reason with them. If you tell them you can't afford to buy new shoes now, and then again ready for September, what are they doing to do? I guess their only option would be to punish your daughter, but the situation is hardly her fault!

Um... but there are shoes she will wear.

Fair enough question.

Current school - the usual plain black, unbranded sensible etc.

New school is an engineering UTC so steel toe cap boots.

Nornalschool shoes would be unsafe at her new school. Her current school would not allow steel toe cap boots.

Can you see Im not just being difficult? I never thought you could really see the difference between the both but now Ive started looking, shoes with steel toe caps are pretty obvious.

Last year my ds's shoes broke a week before the end of term and I sent him in trainers and it was fine. This year, same school, dd has told me they've had assemblies to say that even if their shoes break before the summer they must be replaced with proper school shoes. It is utterly ridiculous, if I buy new now they will likely have grown out of them by September.

Thank. You. I have been a teacher for many, many years and it's been a massive pain throughout. However, every time teachers push for non uniform, or relaxing rules guess who pushes back? Parents.
I have worked in 3 schools where the parents have pushed for more formal uniforms and stricter rules. When surveyed, the majority actually wanted blazers! Now we're constantly getting parents complaining that we're allowing girls to wear skirts which are too short. I don't care. They're sitting behind a desk. However, you wouldn't believe the emails we get on the subject.

You're not being difficult. Organise a conversation with the Head of Year/Key Stage to get an exemption for your daughter.

This.

apparently shirt tie and blazer and certain shoes make them learn more.

until it gets hot - like it is every year now - and then they can learn adequately in their PE kit and whatever trainers they wear for PE.

It’s like magic

No you haven’t. You’ve said that she lied to you about the pencil case, which indicates that she didnt want to upset you by telling you it was about the shoes.

It drives me mad. My son and daughter went to a school with no uniform. I loved it, many parents complained. They got a new headteacher. Guess what his Inbox was full of? Requests to have a uniform.

My daughter goes to a school with a fairly extensive uniform of branded items and a nice heavy kilt type skirt ( nice in the heat) so I sympathise with the dilemma. I saw a school group at Waterloo yesterday and they were wearing a navy branded top and trousers and it looked comfortable and well… uniform. Much more practical than a kilt in this day and age.

Giving detentions for shoes is ridiculous without a discussion with the parent about why they’re not conforming. Children are not in the position to control what shoes they have and if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it.

Im on board with a uniform but not ridiculousness around it.