To be so fucking reasonable all the time

[Dullasfuck]

I'm 45. I have two children, 9 and 11, and a very nice husband. I'm British, living in Spain, and DH is Spanish.

Every single thing I do seems to be driven by what is reasonable. I eat all my veggies and my fibre and my protein, I make my kids so the same, i do my exercise, I don't drink much because peri-menopause says no, I am completely reliable at work, I am as even-tempered as I can manage, when I am socialising I am the goofy English woman who speaks fluent Spanish but without the nuance or 90s cultural references of the friend group.

I am completely fed up of my entire life being so reasonable. I miss the stupid nights out of my 20s, or just eating whatever I want because why the fuck not, or just sometimes drinking too much and leaving everything behind me. I think about the nights out in my 20s, in a culture I understand through and through, just drinking and chatting to everyone around me and smoking cigarettes because why the fuck not?

I know I'm incredibly lucky- luckier than I could ever have imagined in my 20s - to have children and a nice DH and a job I enjoy. So why do I feel like a caged animal who just for an hour or two wants to give absolutely no fucks?

To add, I always wanted to be married and have children. I know that the children are more important than anything else I could possibly hope for. So why the dissatisfaction?

I am so sorry OP but really laughing at the irony of voting that you’re not being unreasonable!

You don’t once mention a single friend

Are you staying in Spain permanently OP and has that been talked about rationally too? It would be very understandable to be having a mid life wobble that you aren't going 'home'

It’s called being a grown up and it’s a bit shit sometimes 😑

No advice really, but I feel like this sometimes and I live in my home country! So YANBU. Maybe some of it is just the predictability of life at this age whereas 20 years ago you’d have been commitment-free, mortgage free, child free etc etc and could do anything wild and frivolous that you wanted to at the drop of a hat, and not have to think about the consequences or think about anyone else .
And then on top of that you are not in your home country and are understandably feeling a pang of wanting to be ‘home’. I did live for a while in another country with a different language and did feel a bit like I lost my ‘home ‘ personality when I had to think and speak in that language and country. Like I wasn’t quite ‘me’ . So I totally get your point about it being harder work to live without all those cultural references . Would a trip home help , maybe see some old friends and let your hair down ? Scratch the itch, so to speak ?!

I am a big fan of occasionally casting caution to the winds (in a small and very reasonable way, obviously). Can you take the odd day, just for you? Head off out for the day, eat too much ice cream, go to a funny film, have a glass of wine? You don't have to go totally mad, but a small amount of cautionless behaviour, with the concomitant extra couple of pounds and possible headache, might remind you of what you dislike about what you think you're missing.

I am the goofy English woman who speaks fluent Spanish but without the nuance or 90s cultural references of the friend group.

She does.

OP, you're probably bored. Your life sounds nice but predictable. Can't you go away for a weekend to a not-so-sensible location and leave the children with your husband? Don't lose yourself.

The clue is in your age! 45 is often when the rage sets in and no fucks are given.

I get it. Everything is going ok, but it’s not fresh or exciting or slightly scary… it’s all fine, objectively very good…

Maybe everything in moderation isn’t working for you everyday - maybe you need a few days which ‘push it’ with friends or a new hobby or passion that’s just for you?

If you had a weekend to yourself, what would you do with it? Now ask yourself - what’s stopping you doing (at least some of) that?

I’m Spanish and I lived in the UK for a very long time. There’s always something missing, and I don’t have proper friends; feels like the midlife crisis hits harder and makes you feel constantly out of place. I think when we get older we need our stories and our roots to ground us, to make everything make sense - it’s the curse of the expats!

You need a yearly girls trip. Every year I go away with my best pal abroad for four nights and we just leave life behind and have four nights of silliness, laughs and dancing. It does you good to just go a bit crazy now and again!

Thanks all, and thanks Nichebitch. DH is a good sort that recognises my need to find myself; he encourages me to go back to the UK or my oldest friends back here for visits. Helps that he loves the English culture and is very proud of our kids for their Englishness ☺️

His/our friends are also thoroughly decent people who have shown me nothing but kindness, but who i recognise see me primarily as foreign before any other characteristic.

And I probably sound like a total twat but my job in the UK was to ghost-write think pieces for politicians in the national media, and that kind of thing, and i liked feeling like I was a part of an important conversation. Here, of my own making, I am very much on the periphery at all times.

I read incessantly and immerse myself in a familiar culture that comforts me

Oh god yes this in spades

So I just need to sit tight and let it pass?

Ah this is a total symptom of the wonderful world of perimenopause - hello random rage despite there not really being anything to be cross! Oh I feel it too.

I totally get you - although I bloody well still drink wine because if I have to go through all of these other symptoms I am not going to deprive myself of my one little vice!

All totally normal, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck, I totally get you.

Do you need a bit of a break from the usual day to dayness of life? A quick trip back to England to cut loose over a long weekend with friends? A change is as good as a rest after all.

But why can’t you do any of those things? You are stopping yourself. Mums can still get pissed and have fun 🤷‍♀️

I feel this EVERYDAY! Just as you describe, everything I do is what I SHOULD do rather than what I want to do. No I don’t want fucking salad for lunch and no I don’t want to watch what I drink. I don’t want to be kind and understanding to the kids in school when I’m in a bad mood, and I don’t want constantly budget and be thrifty. But the things that I want will either bankrupt me, make me very very fat, cost me my job or all three. I want to sleep until 10.30, eat nine pastries then go to Glastonbury.

It really sounds like you need to hop on a plane home and get to the pub for a weekend.

The “friend groups” you mention… good friends? One that enjoy seeing and do see regularly? Socialise?

What exercise? Challenge yourself?

Yes, I'll do that and see if it cheers me up!

It sounds to me as if you are craving being “seen” as a real, whole person. I think you are probably quite close to hitting the nail on the head when you mention the good kind people around you - but who see the foreign-ness of you first.

Losing a sense of self is such a common feeling in middle age. I guess it can be exacerbated by not being in your home culture.

Are there things you can do for yourself that you really want to do for no other reason than the sheer joy of doing them? A few days away to have an adventure? Or a side hustle?

I know what you mean OP. I have a very fortunate life and realise how lucky I am but I feel so much guilt every day. I feel like I’m waiting all the time for something exciting to happen. It’s hard to explain and I don’t want any drama or the boat to be rocked. It’s a constant feeling of a kind of discontent and I feel really selfish for saying it.

Do something for you?
Mine are pretty mild - like big slice of cake at my fav cafe, prosecco lunch with a friend mid week (I don't drink usually), lying in bed all morning reading and drinking coffee.

I feel you. I'm late 30s. My looks are going. I miss going out drinking and getting male attention. Just doing what I want to do. Now it's all mundane and I can't even get pissed because it makes me so ill.