To be so fucking reasonable all the time

[Dullasfuck]

I'm 45. I have two children, 9 and 11, and a very nice husband. I'm British, living in Spain, and DH is Spanish.

Every single thing I do seems to be driven by what is reasonable. I eat all my veggies and my fibre and my protein, I make my kids so the same, i do my exercise, I don't drink much because peri-menopause says no, I am completely reliable at work, I am as even-tempered as I can manage, when I am socialising I am the goofy English woman who speaks fluent Spanish but without the nuance or 90s cultural references of the friend group.

I am completely fed up of my entire life being so reasonable. I miss the stupid nights out of my 20s, or just eating whatever I want because why the fuck not, or just sometimes drinking too much and leaving everything behind me. I think about the nights out in my 20s, in a culture I understand through and through, just drinking and chatting to everyone around me and smoking cigarettes because why the fuck not?

I know I'm incredibly lucky- luckier than I could ever have imagined in my 20s - to have children and a nice DH and a job I enjoy. So why do I feel like a caged animal who just for an hour or two wants to give absolutely no fucks?

I totally agree

I'm such a saint myself and it drives me potty

I recommend doing something wild and irresponsible (but one that is safe and won’t have long term repercussions).

Spontaneous trip somewhere? Sex club with your husband? Go to a music festival and take some mushrooms?

Also why am I so unattractive these days ? I swear late 30s is crap lol. I feel you op

I had a body piercing at a similar age- Twas my little rebellion and very few people know it’s there. It somehow makes me feel less boring (even though I am 😉)

Op, I suspect that the majority of people will feel this around this age...this realisation that life is zipping by and you need to shake it up and feel out of your comfort zone or else it will just zip by in diet and exercise. It is also really hard to find friends who really get you.

I have no answers but suffice to say I now have massive tattoo on my back and ended my marriage. Don't do that but do talk with your dh (who may be feeling something similar) and work out what you can do. Think about the stuff you've always loved or wanted to do and really commit to it.

I'm much older than you but I know exactly what you mean. Every month I take a day off work during the week and do something random. I really look forward to it. It's completely my time.

I'm possibly going to sound a bit mental compared to the rest of the responses.
I was your age during covid and it was fucking rough. I was literally planning how I could escape my life, every single day. Lots of crappy circumstances and shit to deal with on top of normal kids/family/work. I just wanted out.

I started exercising. It saved my life. And made me remember who I am and what I enjoy. Small things like eating outdoors and walking in the woods. Taking all those small things and being thankful for them. Realising I need time for myself regularly, whatever that looks like.

We can have the perfect life on paper but it's irrelevant if you are unhappy. I thought my joy would come from not giving a shit but it comes from giving a shit about yourself. If that makes sense!

You’ve already mentioned why - peri menopause

I’m the same age as you and feel exactly the same.

I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I have fabulous, healthy, bright, talented kids. Both Dh and I are healthy. We have enough money. My job is interesting and well paid.

And I have so many fucking lists of things to do. And I do everything right. And yet the list keeps on growing.

Have you heard of the author Sophie Kinsella? (Real name Madeline Wickham - wrote the Shopaholic books.) She has an incurable brain tumour that will eventually kill her. When her husband asked her how she wanted to spend her life she said that she wanted to live her life “normal life but nicer”. So buy the expensive cheese that she likes best not the “nearly as nice and half the price” other cheese. Get the better seats at the theatre etc. I am trying to do that even though I am not dying. Live my life (which is very pleasant) but nicer. Admittedly the best I have done so far is that we went to the pub for dinner on a Friday night as the weather was nice and we sat out in the sunshine and then when we got home I thought “sod it” and didn’t put my usual Friday night dark load wash on. Hey - it’s a start! 😂

Most people mature as they grow up. Obviously not you.

The secret is letting the bear out of the cage every now and then. Have a blowout, a drunken night out, take yourself off for a weekend somewhere, binge all your favourite foods.
Then being sensible the rest of the time won’t feel so boring.
They are gone now but I cared for both my parents also while having kids.. I nearly went mad.. then I started having the odd night of getting dressed up, taking myself out to some clubs and bars and seeing where the night takes me, dancing and chatting to people. Wake up hungover but feeling alive. Then I was able to deal with the heavy responsibilities better

Eat the cake, drink the wine, book the holiday indulge now and again. You can’t live by the rules ALL the time!

YANBU but if you didn’t have a lovely husband and two children in Spain, and were instead single with lots of freedom in England, you’d probably pine after the idea of a happy sunny family life sometimes.

Incidentally, if you come back to the UK for a careless weekend...

BIG SECRET THAT DOCTORS DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW!!! GPs WANT THIS POST BANNED!!!!! READ IT NOW BEFORE IT'S TAKEN DOWN!!!!!

Cigarettes in a country you don't live in don't count.

True. Totally true. Especially if you're drinking.

You’re doing that middle class thing of living respectably but not authentically.

They did some research with hundreds of dying folks and that was the thing most people regretted. That they hadn’t lived a life that was authentic to their real self.

You have a great life. Now think about what you really want and live a real one.

I was like this until my early 40s then I thought fuck it. I got divorced and have a new partner, we love going out either having drinks or not. We sometimes sit up til 4 in the morning chatting and listening to music. We even stayed up until 8 am one night accidentally. My family/friends have started going to day discos, drinking cocktails and letting yourself go on the dancefloor with other females is so therapeutic and we're home for 7pm lol. I see older relatives who've been good all.their lives living to a ripe old age but most of them have health problems anyway, some serious. I'd rather just do what I want and take the consequences. I'm still healthy 60% of the time. I've suffered depression since I was young and now I'm in my 50s I don't want to waste any time. I don't think I'll be on my death bed saying oh I wish I hadn't had that glass of wine with my pizza or got drunk with my partner and laughed til we cried. Life is for living. What's the point of being healthy all the time when there is no fun? I was a party girl when I was young and in my mid twenties I gave it up, 15 years later I felt life was passing me by.

I think it’s also to do with always moving forward for something - my focus was always on the next goal and now I’m wondering what’s next as I’ve got the life I always wanted. I had to find myself new goals and to be honest watching my oldest about to approach her twenties I just feel tired thinking about how much effort that all involves and I’m then glad for my content predictable life

You need a purpose. You had an interesting and important job. You’ve got things to do and you won’t find it in a pub.

Gosh!!! I feel this exactly......yet without the Spanish angle - I think it must be an age thing fundamentally. I suggest a small dose of doing what the duck you want & sod the consequences.

I get it. Similar age and life except the spain part.
I was a wild child, completely off the rails in my teens.
I am now the most boring mother fucker that walked the earth.
I dress sensibly, water my lawn, drive under the speed limit, drink on occassion, sort my socks, fold my pants and am never late for work.
Sometimes I eonder how i turned into a twee middle aged lady from being a complete reprobate when I was young. Literally noone could guess if you met me 😂

It sounds like you played it safe and now have a lovely but predictable life. There's a part of you that maybe would have liked something more bohemian.
The grass is always greener though

From your OP I was thinking you were having a Miranda July All Fours moment. And you may be (have you read it?)... but your update said you used to have a creative, interesting job using your voice. Do you have those outlets now? You could wrote the next All Fours!

To be honest this sums it up.

I do understand you. I had moments of feeling like that in years gone by. Little mad moments "I don't want to do all these fucking chores and sensible past times today. I want to get shit faced and cut some shapes on a dance floor till 2am" but really what I was saying is "I need a break". And it sounds really cheesy and sad. But I'd do some housework and stick my ear phones in and play some banging dance tunes and it felt a bit better 😄. Just a few moments of escapism.

Of course, some people do try to still do those social things they did before children. I can see the appeal. And maybe it works for them. But personally, I do think once you have a family you kind of owe it to your children to do the "sensible family " role until they're independent. But that's only my opinion.

Perhaps you need a little break. A night out with friends once in a while. A spa day (even if it's on your own ) a bed day if kids go to school ? I swear by a proper lazy day. Just bed and telly and comfort food. Once in a blue moon it recharges you.

I think you're trying to be too "good". We are sold a lot of lies with having the perfect diet and exercise regime's but there's no guarantees in life. Everything in balance and moderation is your goal: not perfection. Have the cake, have the full fat coke, just be a bit more 'sensible' what you eat the next day to balance it out.

Stop trying to be perfect. Step away from the books/media/internet preaching. Live a little.

This has to be one of the most self-indulgent threads ever.

You have choices and options, use them.

I was a bit like this when the kids were little but now they are teens I have gone completely off the rails. I go out loads, dancing (taking naughty things about twice a year that my 35 year old self would have been shocked about), drinking a few nights a week, gigs, parties, eating cake (actually that never stopped). Life is for living!