Competitive tiredness killing our marriage

[Zigzig]

DH and I have a 14 month old DS, he is super full on. I’m 6 months pregnant with DS2. We both work full time.

I find myself seething with resentment at DH all the time because I think he gets more sleep than me. We’ve been away for a few nights and I have got up the past 3 mornings at 5.30am with DS. This morning DH stayed in bed until 9am! He says he’s ill so needs sleep but I’m so exhausted. I’m entertaining DS now because he’s asleep on the sofa.

How do you approach and deal with this? It’s really killing our marriage atm as every time I see him asleep I hate him.

You need sleep too, even if he is ill. Not sleeping will be making you ill. Be more assertive and set better boundaries/expectations?

When he wakes, you give him DS and bugger off somewhere.

Can you agree a bit of a routine / pattern that gives both of you fixed downtime / sleep?

eg DH always took ours out on Sunday mornings to a soft play / rugby tots / swimming type activity so I got a lie in and the house to myself until about 11 it was BLISS

I'd be telling him that seeing as he's had a 9am lie in and an afternoon nap, he can get up at 5:30 with your DS as you're starting to feel ill from lack of sleep yourself. If he says no then he's obviously a twat and I'd be rethinking my relationship.

What's he got if he's ill?

He does get ill quite a lot, and I’m not sure if he really feels as bad as he says or if he could just push through it. He's got a bad cold atm. He is difficult to reason with, which is why I need to know how to be assertive about it.

You need to alternate mornings.

I think it’s difficult for a man to understand how tired you can be when pregnant, and with a 14 month old on top.

I would be assertive and say you need a break and some down time, and plan it in. Either regularly or you each get time in a day. I don’t think you can avoid resentment without tackling this head on.

You’re growing a whole person! He’s being a lazy shit.

I’ve suggested alternating mornings before but he said he hates point scoring. Also on my lie ins he brings DS into our bed which is not the same! He says that DS can just roam around whilst we sleep but in my opinion he can’t, he’s dangerous.

Has he always been ill quite a lot? What kind of ill @Zigzig?

I would say when he is ill he always seems to be unable to do anything… but I’ve seen the way his mother acts with him when he’s sick and I’m not surprised!

He's taking the piss. I'll bet he doesnt want this, because he's not pulling his weight. And it's not point scoring, its common decency. You're both knackered, there's no changing that for a few years but you both need a turn to get a solid block of sleep. Alone. Uninterrupted. No ifs, no buts. You also need to get him pulling his weight now because he'll need to step up when the new baby is here. If you've been up in the night with baby he'll need to do early mornings with both baby and toddler and let you sleep. Find your righteous anger, be as difficult to reason with as him

He doesn’t like point scoring because it shows him up to be an unreasonable dick. It’s not competitive tiredness killing your marriage, it’s your husband being lazy.

Taking turns is the only fair way. You need to put your foot down OP!

No this isn’t competitive tiredness, your DH IS getting more sleep than you. You need one lie in each on the weekend, and that means a proper lie in where DS is taken downstairs and is not disturbing the other parent. I also thought nothing of taking a Sunday afternoon nap when I was pregnant with DD2, DH would take DD out for a walk or something. It’s exhausting being pregnant especially when you’ve got a toddler to look after too.
If DS is getting up at 5.30 every morning and you both work full time you should be taking turns to get up with him.

Yet you’ve decided to have another baby with this lazy piss taker. No sympathy

You need to tell him to wise up and do the alternative mornings and dc is not to be brought near the bedroom on your morning.
I remember the seething fury if I didn't get my weekend morning lie in.

Aah, weve been in this position, OP. Unlike DD1, DD2 (15months) has been an absolutely dreadful sleeper and it got to the point where I thought i was going mad from sleep deprivation. Especially because she wouldn't settle for DH so I was doing so much. We now assign each other nights in the week where one person is fully on duty - bedtime to breakfast, and the other person sleeps in the spare room. It means we both get proper nights rest and can cope with the "on duty" nights better. Im PT so I cover the nights where I don't have to work the next day. DH covers the nights before I have to be in the office so im feeling refreshed for my commute / longer office days. I still feel like i do more but I least I feel like i do get some me time again.

Do you have a room where you could put an extra bed? Even if its a single in an office room? Then he also wouldn't be able to bring your DS in to disturb you.

It will get even harder as you get to the end of your pregnancy and you factor in a newborn so you need to nip this in the bud ASAP.

Agreed. He's using being ill to get out of any responsibility. In other words you're having a 3rd child 🙄🤦‍♂️

He’s not ill he’s lazy. Tell him you’re worried about how he ill all the time. If he is that bad he needs to go get checked out at the doctors. If he’s says it’s not that bad tell him to grow up and adult!!!

He doesn’t like the idea of alternating because the current system is working for him! And the spontaneous naps on the sofa - the rage must be intense. He’s lucky to be alive 😂

I would be really firm and tell him that it’s not a negotiable - your body is working the hardest it ever will (pregnancy) and you need sleep more than he does. He can huff and puff as much as he wants but it’s science. Tell him the set up that you’d like and say that he needs to try it because you cannot go on like this. If he says no, I’d genuinely look into going to my parents/a hotel for the weekends. Even if I had to take my toddler. Anyone who would be a more supportive coparent so I could rest. If he’s not going to help, what is his role in the family?

It's not point scoring though op, It's fairness. This way you both get a good nights sleep and a lie in. He also needs to make sure he takes dc out of the room on your lie in morning so that you can properly sleep, not that half asleep half awake crap that makes you feel like shit.
So, what happens when you're ill? Does he take over and let you fully rest like you do for him? If not then he either needs to treat you the same as you treat him during illness or you need to treat him the same way he treats you, again not point scoring, just fairness.

Alternating isn’t point scoring!! Whatever he thinks doesn’t matter though, you both need sleep. Be firm OP - if he had a lie in till 9am, he is getting up with toddler tomorrow and taking him downstairs. My DH is pretty good but lately I noticed he was doing similar, getting up with DS at 5.30 but bringing him into our room and getting back into bed. Told him it wasn’t on, & either we both get up at 5.30 every morning or we take turns, it was up to him.

Don't know if this might be any help at all: my DD (who always slept well, or, if not, DH took the strain as I was main breadwinner) says, of her BOC (beloved only child, my DGS), a v v poor sleeper in infancy, that the best thing they ever did was to put an extra mattress on the floor in his room, so that, if/when he woke in the night, or couldn't get off to sleep at all, one or other parent could lie down & sleep alongside. Saved so much parental sleep deprivation. BOC thriving.