Competitive tiredness killing our marriage

[Zigzig]

DH and I have a 14 month old DS, he is super full on. I’m 6 months pregnant with DS2. We both work full time.

I find myself seething with resentment at DH all the time because I think he gets more sleep than me. We’ve been away for a few nights and I have got up the past 3 mornings at 5.30am with DS. This morning DH stayed in bed until 9am! He says he’s ill so needs sleep but I’m so exhausted. I’m entertaining DS now because he’s asleep on the sofa.

How do you approach and deal with this? It’s really killing our marriage atm as every time I see him asleep I hate him.

@MaddestGranny my DS isn’t a bad sleeper, he sleeps through but he does wake up early.

I don’t think the title of the thread is accurate. It’s more “my husband is selfish and thoughtless”. The default would be alternate mornings but with you being pregnant then he needs to step up. He’s super cheeky bringing DS into your bedroom and letting him roam round. He has to get with the system and you need to challenge him or he will pull this shit forever

@Zigzigit’s not point scoring - it’s taking turns. Simple as.

Ick.

Don’t point score then - take the toddler in on his mornings then. Slyly encourage the toddler to play daddy climbing frame.

Or he needs to step up and take it in turns minimum and learn to work as a team / be a grown up, take some cold and flu and get on with it like the rest of the world. He has a wealth of cold related remedies he can take that you wouldn’t be advised to take pregnant if you had something, he needs to keep you from getting sick by not burning you out.

Put chocolate buttons on your sleeping husbands closed eyelids, release toddler

Job done

Seriously though he's mugging you off. Just tell him straight, no emotion.

"We both need sleep. We take it in turns to get up with him. That means taking him downstairs and letting the other adult actually sleep. Anything else is unfair and dangerous."

Just tell dh you need to alternate the lie ins with no ds in bed when it’s your turn or you might be come ill like him and not capable of doing anything at all for either of them. He’s taking the piss tbh. You need to be firm with him.

This this isn’t competitive tiredness he has no thought about your tiredness at all

He hasn’t learnt to power through because he hasn’t needed to. Most Mums will just crack on, even if they’re unwell, because they have to. So you need to be firm and hand over the dc and go out / remove yourself from the room and let him learn to deal with it. Otherwise this will just go on and on. He’s acting like a child, so treat him like one.

It's always arsehole men who bring kids into bed with them / let them play around the mum / take so long to respond to the baby so that everyone's then awake, and don't seem to give a shit theyre sabotaging their partners sleep. There is absolutely no way I'd stand for this, I lose my shit if someone wakes me up for no good reason.

Tell him that the pregnancy is really taking it out of you, and your midwife has said you need your rest. You really need to catch up on sleep. So you need him to get up as soon as the toddler gets up, quietly, take him downstairs and keep him quiet and occupied. If he can't do this, you will be sleeping at a hotel / a friends / your parents every other night because quality sleep, that you facilitate for him, is a non negotiable. There will be no more taking the toddler in bed as it feels like this isn't respecting your need for sleep.

If he doesn't listen I'd be bringing the toddler in bed with you every time, and if that doesn't cure him, taking myself off somewhere restful for a week

Also competitive tiredness is where you're both genuinely knackered and struggling. What's killing your marriage is the other person not pulling his weight

I have never been so tired as when pregnant with a toddler. Having a newborn and toddler was easier.
He needs to learn pronto. I would start by insisting that you get one lie in each at the weekend, and the awake parent must rapidly remove noisy toddler downstairs. If he starts on about not point scoring, say that's fine, you don't have to have a lie in if you don't want it, it doesn't have to be equal, but I need it, and I need you to make it happen.
If anyone is having an afternoon nap it should absolutely be you. I think you should also start making sure he can handle toddler alone, as he'll be doing a lot more of once you're tied up with new baby. For this you must be out of the house, as otherwise he'll default to you. Go out to see friends, for pregnancy yoga, swimming. He will have to get on with it. And don't organise too much for him whilst you're gone.

You need to make him aware of how serious this is. Then sit down and work out a more reasonable schedule. Do it now before the new baby comes. Make him understand that this a big issue and he must contribute equally.

Although I must say if the baby sleeps through, how sleep deprived are you really? I know 5:30am is early, but it shouldn't be that bad. Could you not go to bed earlier?

I know this prob won’t help but we had 2 kids 18 months apart and when my youngest was about 6 months old I said to dp with utter seriousness that if I didn’t get a good night sleep then I was going to die. I meant it too. I was at my lowest ebb with it all. I think he could tell I wasn’t joking and let me sleep a whole night through

You both have to get a proper lie in at least once a week. Not 9, later!!! And you both need to remember this is the hardest time, and he needs to remember you’re pregnant! Try and tag team and team up x

These non-lie-ins need to stop. I’d get some boundaries around that.

Tbh I’d go and stay with a relative that I could rely on, rather than this jellyfish you’re married to.

Less really is more, when you essentially have two babies. If it were me, I wouldn't go away, wouldn't work full time if I could possibly afford not to, wouldn't do anything more than the bare minimum needed to keep everyone alive and their basic needs met. Try to take joy from the little things - by the time the smallest is 3ish, you can do more. Over the course of a lifetime, it isn't long.

Also you're both wrong; I'm more tired than either of you.

Also, I found that a 14mo, if they're in your room (maybe also in their own room, I don't know), may happily play on YouTube Kids for an hour in the morning, say from when they wake up until 7am.

Obviously it's not absolutely ideal. But better than ill parents, or those who hate each other. If you're really worried, put it in another language, so they're "learning", whilst you get some much needed sleep x

He doesn't want to be a parent, and doesn't think he should have to, because he's a man and you're just a woman, and therefore he's more important and you should do all the work. It only gets worse from here. He doesn't understand that baby-minding is hard and work and both parents should participate. The vast majority of men don't. Either you fix it now, or hate him for years and then break up over it eventually, unless you're financially dependent on him, in which case you end up hating him and have to stay with him because there's no other option.

One last pointer, in case you hadn't thought of it already - when I was expecting our 2nd, I got loads of stickers and magic painting in for our toddler. I could doze on sofa, whilst he did these. Or a good play cafe, if you know any (or better yet a Children's Centre) x

Was he like this before you got pregnant again?

We have a 2.5yr old and a 6 month old. DH works 12hr shifts in a safety critical job. He has form for being able to drop into a dead sleep, sleep through both children crying and snores (ex military- the epitome of sleeping through bombs going off!). I slept downstairs with the baby for the 1st 10 weeks so as not to wake the toddler up. Our routine is; DH gets undisturbed nights sleep every night (toddler sleeps through) and on his days off I get a 3 hour return to bed once the morning routine is finished. I can live on far less sleep than he can, and can generally go 7-10 days before I 'need' a nap in the day, but he would sleep for hours if he could. We actively limit his napping because it pisses me off that he 'goes for an hour' and returns downstairs about 4 or 5 hours later having slept through dinner and one time bath and bedtime....

Surely alternating is just team work and trying to look after each other?

Why does she always have to go to bed early?! Shouldn’t the husband be splitting the early wake ups?

Yes of course.

Which is why if you read the first paragraph of what you quoted, you'll see that I suggest she insist that he contribute equally.

Right sorry but how is alternating point scoring? He is being a dick. Also bringing the child into bed when you’re having your sleep - not on! He is being lazy (and enjoying sleep, you should be getting) honestly this would give me the massive ick.