Adult children still at home

[Butterfly1728]

Is it unreasonable to expect adult stepchildren to be “standing on their own 2 feet” when they earn good money and are almost 30?
Living at home, no sign of wanting to move, don’t do any chores, etc.

Feel resentful at times.

Very difficult when you’ve come in when they are adults and already in bad habits. Guess not a lot you can do to change that situation, but is a lot you can do change your life.

I think I'd move out. How do you benefit from being there? It's his house and they're parasites enabled by him.

You should have put your foot down and insisted on helping in the house years ago.

As for not moving out, if you voted Tory or did not vote in the general elections of recent years, you have contributed to the housing crisis we have in the UK.

When I moved in with my husband to be I told his children that they would be responsible for their own laundry as soon as we moved into our new home. They were 12 and 12

Both got on with it without complaint, and I have never washed a sock for either of them in 8 years. I explained that doing one’s own laundry was a life skill and they didn’t want to be that person at university

Are they respectful?

People have different views on adult children living at home. In my family it's fairly normal for children to stay at home until adults whereas in DH family it's less the done thing. It's definitely harder when they're step children

You certainly shouldn’t be doing chores for a nearly 30 year old-how dare they expect someone older ( I’m guessing that you’re in your 50’s or 60’s?) to do chores for them!

What’s the plan when your DP sells the house in two years? I hope that you’re buying a smaller place together.

How would DH react if you said you were concerned about how the DC will go with running their own homes given they have no experience at cooking and doing chores? Maybe if you approach it from the angle he will realise that he has 2 years to teach them to be fully functioning adults and he should be using that time so that they can be successful home owners.

I’m 42. We will be downsizing

They are very respectful as I am to them

I voted but not for Tory, just to confirm!

By 30 I was married and living in the second property I had bought.

None of my friends were still at home.

I could not imagine still living with my parents at that age. Do they have long term partners?

(Im now in my early 30s, so I’m not talking about generations ago).

But in your case, if they’re expecting a lump sum in 2 years I can see why they might be hanging on to add that to their deposit.

To be honest, I don’t charge them rent, my DH does and it’s hardly anything, they could definitely still save as they have nothing else to pay out for. They should be paying rent in my opinion, who gets to live somewhere for nothing??!

That’s the reason they are living at home then.

get them to pull their weight.

put a chart on the wall where everyone can see it. Bins, cooking rota, hoover, bathrooms, etc. not sure what the problem is.

One of them has a long term partner, other is single. I do believe they are holding on to what their dad has told them they’re getting. Personally, I believe in saving at least something towards what you want, not getting it given to you, but I was brought up differently I guess.

DD is 27 and lives at home, albeit she stays at her boyfriend's 2/3 nights a week.

DS was always welcome to live at home and bounced back a couple of times. He's 30 and married now.

Neither dh nor I had the opportunity to live at home; DH miles away and my mother had divorced and remarried twice by the time I was 21 so I was not welcome.

I have always been absolutely clear that our children are always welcome here: to visit or to live, or as a refuge if necessary - it hasn't been.

We don't take keep as such from dd, we have no need of it. She tidies after herself, cooks for us once a week and transfers £150 pcm towards the cleaner who cleans her room and does her laundry. She had the option to do it herself.

The current arrangement suits and we are all happy with it. Not least dd because we live a 20 minute walk from her place of work. She saves, can freely spend and do the things twenty somethings shoukd without worries. She is kind and thoughtful and it's nice to have her around.

Who does their cooking. Washing, etc. if you do it, then stop. They can do their own washing from no on.

I have a young adult in the house and he regularly cooks. Must admit, I do his washing as it’s easier to chuck it all together. But he’ll change his bedding, put his clothes away, hoover (when asked), clean bathroom (when nagged), clean the car etc . He’s also saving money and paying rent, pays car insurance etc

Apart from anything, they need these life skills for when they move into their own place. Also, if they’re not saving, it’s going to come as a bit of a shock when they have to start paying the mortgage, bills , food etc as their money won’t be theirs to spend anymore.

Oh I agree, I bought without any family help and left home at 18 for uni and never went back. But that said, I can see that at this point it’s financially sensible to hang on for the money if I knew if was coming. That doesn’t explain why they didn’t move out ten years ago though!

My mum was always very clear that we were to move our at 18 and she would financially support that until 21 (so while we were at uni), and moving back home was only a last resort option as she wanted us to be independent as early as possible - so I think this did help my mindset as I had to plan ahead rather than assuming I’d move home after uni.

You say you “pay your way and do chores” but what does pay your way mean? I think you should contribute only a quarter of the bills and no more in this situation. If your step children barely contribute financially, and do no chores plus will receive a sum of money from the equity when the property is sold, your DH should feel the consequence of it.

Are you downsizing simply to help them financially or is this a way of making them move out (or both, of course). Why 2 years?

pay my way means I contribute to the bills. We’re downsizing as with only 2 of us we won’t need a 3 bed house and partly so my DH can give his kids money to start them off. In 2 years the mortgage is up for renewal and it gives us/the kids time to get the house “sale ready” and gives them ample time to understand that they will be moving out when we move.

@Steelworks I completely agree with you re. learning life skills before they move into their own places. Even if their Dad gives them a lump sum to get on the housing ladder, they’ll still need furniture, etc. How will they afford that without any savings? Not to mention ongoing budgeting for bills.
It’s going to be a huge shock when they move out.

my DS lived at home until 24. He stayed at home when at uni and doing post grad, and also worked PT in a supermarket. When he qualified he stayed at home for a couple of years. I didn’t charge any rent but he was saving hard for a deposit and building up some savings and I didn’t charge any ‘board’ because he did housework, his own laundry and the odd bit of batch cooking (that, with the housework being shared, really helped out because it meant I didn’t have to do it all when I got in from work after a 14hr day at work).

when he moved out I got him some furniture and shared an inheritance I’d got. I’d never begrudge him that, he’s a hard worker and I was happy to do that.

I think if I wasn’t working and had adult child at home I’d definitely have charged him rent but would have carried on doing all the housework myself. As we shared all of the house chores it was a contribution and I feel it was teaching him good habits.

I think OP should start insisting they at least do some housework, and I’d definitely not be doing any of their laundry!

Most people married with kids by 30?

lol.

Yeah right...

Must just be a different mindset - I imagine they’re banking on the money they’ve been told they will get. I moved out when I was 17 and wanted to be independent- was working myself. Bought my first house at 20. It was hard. I didn’t want DS to struggle financially like I did. But I didn’t want him to be a guy who relied on someone else to do his cooking and cleaning either so I started him out helping with tidying and taught him how to use the washing machine at about 10 yo - maybe I was too harsh. He always seemed happy to help out though and he’s also pretty good at DIY now and he’s not yet 30.

The median age for first marriage in the UK is 30 (figures for 2020) for women, the same median average as for the first child.

Carefully phrased. So you 'chip in' in the same way they do, or are you paying the market rate rent/mortgage levels that you mentioned in relation to them earlier?