Adult children still at home

[Butterfly1728]

Is it unreasonable to expect adult stepchildren to be “standing on their own 2 feet” when they earn good money and are almost 30?
Living at home, no sign of wanting to move, don’t do any chores, etc.

Feel resentful at times.

What do you mean they don’t do chores? Do the houseelves do their laundry? Because I wouldn’t be? I’d talk to dp about giving them a night each to cook for the family and have nothing provided those nights. And if they wont do it then I wouldn’t be cooking for them either. I’m quite happy coming home and doing some veggies and eggs on toast, in about 20 years I can do that again regularly. You could do it now…

I’m sorry I really don’t get this. My fifteen year old does household chores. She did when she was 6! All appropriate to her age of course. It’s bizarre to me that anybody would think they get to do nothing towards keeping where they live in a decent state. Please tell me they at least do their own stuff like washing their own clothes?

One of them washing their own clothes. The other does literally nothing.

Is this a stepkids issue or a DH issue?

I say that because I was the parent who let her kids freeload, and dh was the one who resented it.

I let them get away with it because I felt guilty for giving them a crap father, guilty for breaking up the marriage with their crap father and exposing them to him, I was afraid they wouldn't love me if I said no, I was an arch avoidant... Not something a quick conversation would ever fix. And if it came to a choice I would have had to choose them over him.

So don't underestimate what might be going on, but do address it.

Most people in their 30's with a brain would not be buying into the property market right now when prices are at the top.

Fuck such life, OP. Sorry.
I would be looking at exiting myself, whichever suitable way for you.

My DDs did chores from being around 10. As adults they cook for themselves (unless a family meal) do their own laundry , babysitting and dog walking plus keep their rooms and shared bathroom clean. They are 23 and25. 25 year old is in process of moving out . They pay £200 each and will get some food shops.

Well that's what they are waiting for then. For you to sell the house in two years. I would not hoever do any washing or ironing for them or touch their rooms.

Doesn't sound like you're really providing any motivation to move out 😁

I don’t touch their rooms out of respect and I even I don’t iron 😂 But yes, that is what they are waiting on.

This is, what I suspect, is happening to be honest. He literally does everything for them.

My 30 year old lived at home with her boyfriend for a year...saving ...did their own shopping, cooking, washing and paid rent

Can you sell the house now rather than in 2 years? If they're almost 30 it sounds like this scenario has seriously run it's course. They must also be craving a home of their own? How was the 2 year timescale set?

Alternatively, I'd be doing 1/4 of the chores or maybe roughly 1/2 of the chores if you imagine it was just you and DH (so no washing of their laundry, cleaning extra bathrooms, cleaning up any mess they make in the kitchen etc). If DH wants to baby them then he can pick up their slack.

Option 3 is that you all pay towards a cleaner (or up their rent and use that). Not a total fix but at least it gives the house a clean once a week and may feel more like you're all pitching in.

Bills are equally split.
Chores are expected or I will loudly complain.
He does a lot of the garden.
He cooks.
I do nothing for the pets unless he is working away. He pays for them.
He buys furniture etc. He bought the 2nd sofa and all his stuff for his bedroom.
I buy food etc but he pays extra for this.
All my DC have been expected to do their own laundry, cook, clean since they were 11 or so.
They are ALL ND.

As adults he doesn't live with me, we house share. I don't own a house and can't give any of my DC any money towards a deposit.

Do you work , OP?

Yes

That’s for them and their parent to decide not you, and they make still live with you when they are 50.

Wonderful

OP is struggling because she never taught her DC to do chores when they were young. My DC had to pick up their toys before bed from 3 years old. As they grew older I found them age appropriate jobs and showed them how to do them. They both keep their homes lovely now working full time and setting aside 30 minutes a day for cleaning and tidying during the week and a couple of hours at weekends.

I met them when they were adults, so couldn’t teach them anything by then

Adults are perfectly capable of learning. I look after adults with learning disabilities and they can learn.

I kinda get the feeling it’s not my place as stepmum, more to do with the dad. He can be funny if I so as have a tiny moan about anything negative to him about the behaviours.

So theyh wear dirty clothes and don't eat. If dad disagrees he does it....but I bet your maid to all with no say in anything

It sounds like you just don't need the money from them and are comfortable enough financially. Or do you both work full time?

If you don't like the setup of them not doing chores then change it.

If you're charging rent and expecting them to save for a deposit you're delaying them moving out! However as the DH is going to pay for their house in 2 years it is immaterial.

Just ask them politely to help you make dinner/empty dishwasher/vacuum the stairs/get some more milk or whatever from the shop. Don't make a big deal out of it. If appropriate ask them to help you first time then to do it themselves next time, they will learn from you.

I have descovered if you wait for them to do the jobs you get resentful, they never will, so just ask them politely. Its annoying.

Most adults living with parents are doing so for financial reasons, housing costs are ridiculous.