No kids at wedding

[Elephant9]

AIBU is not ME being unreasonable. The question is are these people being unreasonable for not inviting kids to their wedding

context- they’ve said only long term friends will bring kids - leaving a whole load of very close friends not being able to. Their siblings have children and 1 long term friend each will bring their kids.
the reason they said was because they want the parents to have fun (!)
those parents who can’t bring kids have offered to pay for their place at their wedding but they’ve said no

the couple want their own kids and may have their own by the time the wedding comes along.

so, are they being unreasonable?

also, what’s your thoughts on the situation?

Not unreasonable. It’s their wedding. They don’t want to have to fork out for everyone they knows kids, nothing to do with wanting anyone to have fun. Life doesn’t revolve around other peoples children. We only had close family kids and babies at ours. Saved us several hundreds of pounds in food and we didn’t have to put up with other peoples uncontrollable kids running around. Not sure what your point about them wanting kids is.

Sorry I quoted the wrong post! I meant to quote the one about can have fun with their kids.

Are the long term friends that are allowed to bring children part of the wedding party? I can understand couples who would prefer a child free wedding limiting their numbers by only allowing siblings and wedding party to bring their children because they are doing the couple a favour to be part of their event and deserve as little inconvenience as possible.

YABU.

Even if you don't agree with their decision or even if most people would think them unrearonable/unfair, it is their wedding and their decision. You can't control what other people do. You can only control your own behavior.

So why ask if someone else is being unreasonable when you have no control over what they do?

Of course they're not unreasonable to invite, or not invite, anyone they want to their own wedding. If people don't like it they don't have to attend.

The parents who have offered to pay for their children to attend are being unreasonable though. If you're children aren't invited you either suck it up and go without them, or you politely decline. Trying to change the B&G's mind is just rude and creates unnecessary awkwardness.

On the other side of this...
we did allow kids at our wedding (very few were there anyway) but my nephew (around 2 at the time) cried all through the vows and SIL and nephew aren't in any of the photos as it coincided with his nap time so it was almost like she wasn't even there which is really sad. She even had to take her meal up to her room and eat alone as he was getting restless and grumpy.

My in laws have a really lovely family photo hanging in their hallway but she isn't in it and you can tell it makes her a bit upset every time she sees it.

YABU it's an invite, people are free to decline if they don't approve of the guest list.

I agree with this. The weddings I've attended with my children when they were small have not been fun for me. There were some nice moments don't get me wrong, but I didn't have fun. Trying to keep small children quiet during the ceremony, trying to entertain them when they're bored during photos, speeches and a three course sit down meal is tricky. It's a really long day for a small child, especially if there's travel involved. When SIL and BIL got married I ended up having to take our youngest back to the hotel room when the Reception had barely even started because he was such an overtired mess.

I don’t get the impression OP only wanted answers that suited her? Or maybe she did but she wasn’t unreasonable in her response. She just pointed out it’s very one sided which they didn’t really say much about

I love child free weddings. It means I don't have to think up an elaborate excuse to turn down the invitation.

Oh good, a brand new topic that no one has ever asked about before.

Bride and groom can invite who they like as long as they understand that some people can’t come but shouldn’t pretend that some people’s children aren’t invited because they want the adults to have fun. It’s obviously cost, not knowing the child well or child possibly misbehaving. I’m not suggesting that they say it out loud but the line is going to annoy people who don’t have childcare.

If they have a lot of friends with children, inviting them all (a) massively increases the headcount and (b) turns it into a crèche / children’s party. They might want to have a few children they know well and care about, but not zillions of them.

We could yes…and happily would arrange childcare….but the bride and groom want them at the wedding 🤷‍♀️. We told them that the children didn’t need to come and we were happy to sort childcare but they want them to come…there’s very few children in the family (4 including my 2) so they want them there.

Well maybe these “best” friends aren’t as close to the couple as they thought, given that you say some selected children are invited…

I always chose not to take my DC when they were young. I simply didn’t think they would be very happy and I would have a better time without them. Especially since we seemed to go to several black tie weddings. The one child free wedding invite was for a wedding 120 miles away where we needed to stay overnight (and it was a close relative). I had just gone back to work and DD wasn’t happy being left at the weekend. We explained this and they replied that they were sticking to their child-free policy, so we stayed at home. We didn’t mind and we didn’t fall out. We didn’t invite anyone at all to our wedding ceremony. Why does everyone get so het up?

Not sure what your point about them wanting kids is.

It’s the reference to the tired old trope that people who don’t have children don’t understand how hard it is to deal with childcare, and that they’ll soon change their minds about childfree weddings once they have kids of their own.

The posters who trot this out on threads about childfree weddings always studiously ignore the posters saying that they love childfree weddings as it’s a great excuse to have an adults only night out for a change.

We didn't accommodate children, only my husbands sister kids who took part on the wedding, they are older anyway.

There was few reasons for that.

Some people declined, we know that for some it was due to the fact that children were not invited, and that's fine, no hard feelings.

This. A close friend had a wedding where she was effusive about being ‘family friendly’. There was an indoor play area, a sweetie table, an entertainer, special kids meals.

The tables were half empty when it came to the meal as the kids were all off playing, and all the parents stood around watching, parents and kids meals left uneaten. The tables were a sad and sorry sight of couples and single people dotted around the room.

The kids went mad at at the sweetie table and were off their heads running around and there was endless crying as they got more and more tired and overwhelmed and parents became more fractured. All the parents and kids had disappeared by 8pm leaving a handful of people when the dancing began.

The bride was devastated.

I don’t mind if someone doesn’t invite DC to something, it’s their choice. BUT… if it’s something that takes up most of Saturday and is far enough away to require an overnight stay, then we need to ask my child-free sibling to give up their weekend for childcare, to allow us to go, which is quite a big favour. So we’re going to be picky about what we accept.