Panicking about turning 35 in a couple of months

[Hungryy44]

It just feels like a bit of a turning point, I've been feeling very anxious of late.

I know my time is running out to have children, and whilst I know it's perfectly possible at an older age, it may not be for me who knows? Sadly I can't afford my eggs frozen or anything like that.

I have a boyfriend and the relationship is great. We don't live together, I own and atm he's renting a flatshare with a friend. We've said we'd love to move together, we've talked about him moving here but it's too far a commute from his job so it wouldn't be easy, and he is really happy with his job there.

I don't know what the solution is with me owning this, I can't just sell it overnight and I want to hold onto it. Maybe I could try and rent it out and then we rent somewhere together?

His best mate got married to his wife 18 months after meeting her. I know he doesn't want to marry me yet, we've been together a year but I know if he wanted to he'd have said it. Most people my age are married and or have children.. I mean I'm glad I didn't marry the people I was with when younger, and besides they didn't want to anyway.

I'm not fully happy with who I am, I lack confidence, and have around 1.5k of debt which I know is not that much in the grand scheme of things but it weighs me down. Any advice? I just didn't think I'd be here at 35.

Sick of hearing 'when you know you know' and all that stuff because it never applies to me!

My advice would be this : there is no perfect standard that you have to meet at 35.

There are loads of different ways to live your life.

I am 41, no children , no partner.

I am so happy.

Life is hard sometimes, I know it's what you make of it, but it can be tough seeing everyone around you have these things happen to you and then you wonder why me.

Yes I understand.. but I would like to have a family, I've had many years of being alone and it's not what I want.

It sounds like you’re in a fairly good place in life, though? You own a property, which gives you a decent level of security and also can be sold or rented out when the right time comes to consider moving. You have a partner who appears a good one, even if he (quite rightly - thinking about marriage after only a year and before living together is more likely to lead to tears than happy ever after) hasn’t raised the idea of marriage yet. You’ve the insight to recognise that marrying and having children with previous partners wouldn’t have been a good outcome.

As the first poster said, there’s no template that 35 (or any age) has to look like. You just need to keep on making the steps toward the life you want, without seeing it as a race because everyone else has already “won” (they haven’t, everyone is still running their own runs in other things) or somebody else was married within months of meeting a partner.

So what is stopping you from having children, if you want them?

It's not necessarily getting married before living together, but more that they would like it to happen at some point.

Then it’s something you need to float now. Make it clear that your goal is, one day, marriage, and is that something he also has as a goal.

It's not that im being stopped from having children, but I obviously can't just have them, I need a partner to want that too with me.
Also, tired of being told I'm in a great place because I own a home. I know I'm lucky to own it, but that's completely separate from wanting a family.

I had my children at 37 and 40 (almost 41) after thinking I never wanted children. I also had about 6k of debt until I finally paid it off when I was 35. It may feel like there isn't time but there usually is. Have you discussed children at all with your partner just in conversation? Do you know if that is what he wants eventually?

Agree with PPs but I would say if you really want them I'd have a conversation with him to make sure you're on the same page. If he says he's not sure he wants them etc you might need to start again. You still have time (just not loads of it). I was in a similar situation at 34 and that's what I did.

But have you had a conversation with him about it.

Has he said that he doesn't want children?

Is having a child the most inportant thing to you.
My partner was older than me and said very clearly that he wanted a child before he was 42 and if I don't wan that to him go. This was 18 months into our relationship. We noe have 2 kids and been togerher 16 years. We had said we loved each other early in and it was a no brainer for me. But he was very clear and direct and I appreciated that.
If you are scared of his answer to that question then you already have the answer

Also dont worry about debt. Its a tiny debt you can pay off in a year or two.

You don't have to? You can go for it solo? Many women have fertility treatment alone.

As @Ohtobemycat says - have that frank discussion with your partner. You don't need to jump from here to 'wedding', but you need to know if that's the journey that you're on. If you're on the lifetime commitment track, then hopefully the compromises will come from both of you to make it work.

I would also start assessing how child-ready you are - what maternity pay you would get, how family-friendly your current employer is, if you need advance savings to manage the first four years financially. It will probably feel like poking a sore tooth doing all of this whilst you know you might not be in a position to have kids - but the last thing that you want is to make a decision to go for it a year or so down the line, and then realise that the rest of your ducks aren't in a row.

Tbh this is something you both need to agree on now. Kids and marriage. If he can’t commit at all and agree with a proposal you are happy with then move on before he steals your future. Most adults are pretty clear about what they want and if he’s not mature enough to make that decision and be honest with you then there is your answer.

Please don't try to worry. I used to be a worrier and try to plan the next 10, 20, 30 or whatever years in advance.

Started trying for a baby in my 20's, it didn't happen, years of fertility treatment. I used to say we'd keep trying until I was 39. Life throws curveballs at you, by my early 30's we had DC naturally.

Since then I've had a massive curveball thrown at me, and life changed in an instant. I don't plan so far ahead these days, or try to worry, as I know things can change so quickly, so it's often wasted energy worrying about things.

I'm a year older than you and I'm surprised you think everyone your age is sorted with house, marriage, kids.

30s are such a weird age, there is no blueprint but I think we still hold that "ideal" that our parents modeled in our heads.

In my cohort I know people who are married, coupled, single, 1 divorcee, kids, no kids, trying for kids, renting, own, great careers, low wage jobs, no careers to speak of because they took the SAHP route early on, people who travel a lot or have alternative lifestyles, people who are packing there pensions and others who get by on a shoestring. I think the only thing universal is noone "has it all". I genuinely don't know anyone who has ticked off travel, house, marriage, kids and spectacular career. I'm sure they exist, I just don't know them.

I think it's healthy to look at how you can improve your life if you're not content, and that may mean a serious conversation with your boyfriend. But it's not healthy to hold yourself to some outdated expectation if what it means to be 35

It's all very well saying ''I want a child'' - it;s not all about you though - what about the child - no choice on their part - will they have to go to nursery at 3 months old? How will their opportunities be when they are 12 etc?

I don't really understand this sorry...surely this applies to anyone having a child? 🤔

Does your partner want a kid? If so, I wouldn’t bother about getting married and just skip to ttc. Talk to him and explain that you want children and you can’t wait around.
It’s not the case for a lot of people but to be straight with you, I had my only at just turned 34, got pg quite easily but after breastfeeding my fertility never went back. That was the start of peri for me.
When I was 32, I was talking about wanting a baby with a friend and she told me not to leave it much longer before ttc or it might be too late for me. At the time I was a bit upset by this, but I took it on board and I’m glad I did because she was right.

Does your partner want marriage and children in the future or have you not discussed it yet? That's not meant to sound accusatory as I know it's a big conversation to have. But after a year with my now DH I knew we were on the same page, and we were 23 and 25 when we met.

What a weird response to OPs post.

OP no one has a magic wand or crystal ball. If you desire something, and it’s something important to you. You need to start to do something about it.

Have a chat with your partner, explain how you’re feeling and make a 2 year plan. You don’t need to move in this weekend or make a baby next month, but in 2 years maybe you’d like to be pregnant and living together.

There are various routes for having a child that don’t involve the traditional romance/marriage angle. Why do you think you can’t have children? Maybe it’s the marriage that’s actually your priority rather than children?

You might benefit from talking this through with a counsellor?