Panicking about turning 35 in a couple of months

[Hungryy44]

It just feels like a bit of a turning point, I've been feeling very anxious of late.

I know my time is running out to have children, and whilst I know it's perfectly possible at an older age, it may not be for me who knows? Sadly I can't afford my eggs frozen or anything like that.

I have a boyfriend and the relationship is great. We don't live together, I own and atm he's renting a flatshare with a friend. We've said we'd love to move together, we've talked about him moving here but it's too far a commute from his job so it wouldn't be easy, and he is really happy with his job there.

I don't know what the solution is with me owning this, I can't just sell it overnight and I want to hold onto it. Maybe I could try and rent it out and then we rent somewhere together?

His best mate got married to his wife 18 months after meeting her. I know he doesn't want to marry me yet, we've been together a year but I know if he wanted to he'd have said it. Most people my age are married and or have children.. I mean I'm glad I didn't marry the people I was with when younger, and besides they didn't want to anyway.

I'm not fully happy with who I am, I lack confidence, and have around 1.5k of debt which I know is not that much in the grand scheme of things but it weighs me down. Any advice? I just didn't think I'd be here at 35.

Sick of hearing 'when you know you know' and all that stuff because it never applies to me!

No need to panic. You are at your perfect age. If the relationship is great, talk to him. Tell him you want to have children sooner rather than later and see where he is and what's his timeline and where you can align. I wouldn't focus too much on owning the property vs renting. You can rent out yours, you don't have to sell if you don't want to? You can rent together. I don't think it's a must to necessarily own a house together to start a family. As pp all said , just talk to your man!

Also agree with a poster who advised checking your fertility. Get your AHM levels and hormonal profile right now, it will give you an idea if you have to rush right now or have a few years ahead.

If you want children that’s a red line in your relationship. There is no future for you as a couple if he doesn’t want that. Have you not discussed this with him yet?? You’ve said that he mustn’t want marriage as he hasn’t asked you. Why assume when you can simply ask him his thoughts on marriage? You need to get on the same page and start planning together - ie both do fertility testing.

Hello OP,

First : you're 35 so yes, you should think hard about kids if you want them, but you don't need to get pregnant tomorrow. You still have a bit of time.

Second : you have options. Does your partner want kids ? Kids take time to make, so if you're up to it you can get started while getting into motions plans to live together. You could also choose to co-parent without living together.

As you own and he doesn't I would take step to ringfence that and think twice about getting married. I wouldn't sell right away, I'd rent it out and use the money to rent together with him, and after a while you can always consider buying together (and he could use this time to put together a deposit).

You could also have a child on your own. I did that (in fact had more than one) so I'm not just saying that like it's super simple. It's hard (though not necessarily that much harder considering all the feckless dads out there) but you're free and not chained up to a jerk for eighteen years.

Just to add, I know SO many women who met men in the last few years of their thirties. They all now have children, some are married. I was single on my 40th birthday, thought the ship had sailed and then met my partner six months later. Happier than I ever thought I could be. Getting your fertility tested is good advice, as is having an honest conversation about where you both want the relationship is going.

You also don't have to meet a man to be happy.

We need to stop promoting that as the only way to be happt.

@Marinamay44 I agree, you absolutely don’t need a man. In this case, the OP knows she does want marriage and a family so that wouldn’t be a very helpful comment to make.

She didn't say that she wanted a man. She said that she is with a man.

I pointed out that you can be happy with or without a man

When I was single I was in Talk Therapy for something else and whenever I talked about how I wanted to be married and have a baby the therapist would brush it off saying “Are you sure that’s what you want? Maybe you just want that because that’s what your friends have!” I felt it was so dismissive.

'No one is better than the other' is the unhelpful lecture in referring to.

Do you have step children @GreenGully ?

Yes, I've mentioned that in the comment you quoted.

I remember feeling like this a few years ago (I'm 42). I think it's quite normal to compare yourself with friends etc, especially as you approach 40. In your 30s all you seem to hear is people commenting on your biological clock or seeing others around you getting married or having babies.

Can I just reassure you that you are exactly where you are meant to be in your life right now. You've said yourself you wouldn't have wanted to marry any of your exes.

Have faith that all will work itself out. £1.5k is easily cleared by getting a 0% interest credit card. You're on the property ladder so you've done really well already. Lots of other people at 35 aren't on the property ladder (and don't necessarily want to be). Try to focus on what you have achieved, you should feel proud of yourself. And if you do move in with your BF, protect your property. You never know what could happen with your relationship.

FWIW, I had my first child at 40, nearly 41 and I'm getting married next year. Don't stress, all will be well 🙏

I’m 35 , in a relationship of just under a year and own my house. Personally I loved turning 35 as I felt more grown up and knew what I wanted in life. I can’t wait to have a family with my man soon. When it happens it’ll happen.

I’m 41. Had my first child at 27, his dad ended up being a serial cheater. Has my 2nd at 31, her dad was abusive (wasn’t a planned pregnancy). Been with my partner 4.5 years, engaged and have a planned almost 2 year old together (had him at 39) but no intentions of living together or even getting married now. We’re both too independent and stuck in our ways. But I wouldn’t change my kids or my life for anyone. 35 is no age and a lot could happen in the next couple of years

If you want kids and I'm a stable relationship you need to lay down facts to other half. Around biological clock. Ivf costs etc etc.

Some men seem to think it's ok to hang around and wait until 40s

I'm 40 and preg with our ivf baby - due to medical issue. Even with ivf it's taken years.

You have to have a really clear blunt conversation about timeliness and commitment to that. And if they aren't happening you need to make the decision to go it alone or stay with him but accept time for kids may run out.

Sorry to be so blunt but I've seen this time and time again.

If you can't afford egg freezing (which btw isn't a great option as eggs don't survive the thaw like embryos do) then at least maybe look at a fertility check?

Although our scenario is different (other than the lack of a child), I feel exactly the same about my fast approaching 35th birthday (I've actually cancelled it and told everyone not to mention it!).

I thought turning 30 was going to be a bit of a grenade but I loved it and didn't skip a beat but the 35 milestone has really thrown me off my game!

I just keep reminding myself that every day is a gift not to be taken for granted and hope that the dark clouds will clear soon enough :) .