Panicking about turning 35 in a couple of months

[Hungryy44]

It just feels like a bit of a turning point, I've been feeling very anxious of late.

I know my time is running out to have children, and whilst I know it's perfectly possible at an older age, it may not be for me who knows? Sadly I can't afford my eggs frozen or anything like that.

I have a boyfriend and the relationship is great. We don't live together, I own and atm he's renting a flatshare with a friend. We've said we'd love to move together, we've talked about him moving here but it's too far a commute from his job so it wouldn't be easy, and he is really happy with his job there.

I don't know what the solution is with me owning this, I can't just sell it overnight and I want to hold onto it. Maybe I could try and rent it out and then we rent somewhere together?

His best mate got married to his wife 18 months after meeting her. I know he doesn't want to marry me yet, we've been together a year but I know if he wanted to he'd have said it. Most people my age are married and or have children.. I mean I'm glad I didn't marry the people I was with when younger, and besides they didn't want to anyway.

I'm not fully happy with who I am, I lack confidence, and have around 1.5k of debt which I know is not that much in the grand scheme of things but it weighs me down. Any advice? I just didn't think I'd be here at 35.

Sick of hearing 'when you know you know' and all that stuff because it never applies to me!

@Cluelessasacucumber makes such a good point. I'm also in my mid 30s and everyone in my very large group of friends is in such a different position. It's quite cool really. There's no one way of doing things.

Same here.

Early 30’s, some of us living with parents still and single, some of us married with kids, some with kids and single parents, some living with boyfriends and some living alone with no partner

No one is better than the other. All at our own timeline

Enjoy ever age you are at.

I remember being 35 and moaning to my friend 44 that I felt old.

She said "i wish i was 35 again".

Now i am 41. And i wish i hadn't wasted 35 feeling old!

I don’t think it’s necessarily counselling material, to not really want to raise a child as a lone parent. Many women do, both through choice and through circumstance, and I think all of them would say it’s hard. It has huge impact on a woman’s career and finances (both whilst she’s raising the child, and in terms of being able to plan for her retirement), as well as her lifestyle, social life, and future relationships. It’s completely valid for a woman to not ideally want to go the solo parenting route from the off.

Even though you have only been together one year, it is important to have a conversation about things like marriage and children quite early on, especially when you are mid 30s. Have you discussed this properly yet? It doesn't have to be on the agenda immediately , but you need to know you both want the same things, especially when you dont have the luxury of time.

I'm really not sure why everyone is being so fucking obtuse on this thread.

OP has made it clear she wants marriage and kids, fuck off with 'I'm single and happy'. That wasn't the question.

OP you need to have a discussion with your boyfriend about what you want. If he doesn't want kids you need to throw him back. Do not let anyone waste your reproductive years.

@Unsurewhattodo792 @Marinamay44

That's not the question. OP knows what she wants, the real question is will she get it with the person she's with. She doesn't need a lecture.

Erm, how did I lecture OP

@OCDmama this is my reply to OP. How is that a lecture

@Hungryy44 Tell him what you want but be prepared for him not to want the same things and/or not within the same timeframe.
If you are clear that the future you want contains living together, marriage and children then you’ve got to be very open about it but you also need to be open about how you want that life to function, too many posts on here lamenting shitty men being shitty partners and dads

Im 39 this year no kids no man no pets no drama and i love it.
I do have a lot of ONS and travel alot spend money on what i want i can be selfish as much as i want.
The list goes on with me.

I'm 34 too and still don't want any children of my own. I never have. I'd be feeling angsty if I did want children and had none at this age though as the clock is ticking. I have stepchildren so I have had the best of both worlds so to speak.

Having children later is ok if you are ok with going through the menopause with young children. Not a prospect many women would want. I also think it is a bit unfair on the children if left too late.

Extreme case but I went to school with a lad who's mum was 55 and dad was 73 at the age of 14! He got ripped to shreds for it.

You need to be very clear “ I want to get married, and have children” of that is not in your plan, you need to let me know now”

Said this to DH on our first date (caveat we had been friends, but this was when we moved to being a couple).

Engaged 6 months later, house bought 3 months after, married in 12 months, DD a year later.

if you want children, you can’t be wasting years.

I mat dh when I was 34, so same age as you. He proposed after two n a bit years, and we married 6 months later.

We had discussed that we would quite like kids but also understood that it might not happen and that was ok.

I would suggest not pressuring him yet - it's early days - but decide if you are happy together. Children aren't guaranteed, so would you stay if he couldn't for example, have them?

(We did go on to have 2 great babies - I was 38 and 41, so it can happen, but the most important thing is to decide whether your relationship is worth investing in, for its own sake.

(You might also look at his parents/ siblings /friends to guess how he is thinking. It's not guaranteed that he will follow the same pattern, but we do learn a lot from our families and friends. Dh's parents were married and their house was the center of lots of great family Christmases and summer visits. Similarly his friends were settled and having lots of babies and he clearly felt comfortable in that milieu. I could pretty much guess what he hoped his future would look like . . .

I think you need to start a conversation about it. Be clear what you want, without being pushy.

So he isn't willing to look for a new job and move?
So next logical step is he wanting to live with you if you move to him? How soon would he want to start trying for children etc
Be honest with him. Tim isn't on your side and you don't want to be dragged along for a couple ofnyears if he is commitment shy

Do you see yourself having kids with this guy? If so I agree with other posters that you should broach the subject of how he sees your future together. If not, or if he doesn't want kids, then don't stick around in the relationship.

Hearing from people on this thread that are single and without children and are really happy is really nice. I'm 42, long term single and without children so realise it won't happen now. I also don't own my own home and I feel so embarrassed and like a complete failure. Everyone I know is younger than me with their own family and home and I feel like I have just made a mess of my life.

1. get a course of low-cost therapy to sort out your self-esteem issues before you ever try and become a parent. Read and develop your own self awareness about that.
2. get control of your finances and make a proper plan. If you ever become a parent you need £££££ for nursery fees / childcare.
3. Speak openly with him about where you hope this is heading. Do not sit around passively waiting for him to ask you something- that is ridiculous and so disempowering to yourself!!
4. say what you want within reason, and if he doesn’t want the same thing then let him go. If he says he does want marriage and kids in the next 5 years then you both need to agree a timeframe given your age- eg we will speak again in a year and then assume we will make plans or something.
5. You can get private fertility texts to check all us well before you start trying

But why would having children mean how worthy you are. You are worthy in your own right.

I always knew that i never wanted children and I knew that was okay.

I had my eldest child at 34 and my youngest at 38. Not too late just yet

This.
live your life people are 50/60/70/80/90 in the same position and happy

Thank you. I think if you know you don't want children then that's obviously fine but I suppose I always thought I would be married and have children, and everyone I know does so it just feels quite lonely. I also feel like the few people I hear of my age without children/partner tend to have very successful/fulfilling careers and own their own home - my job is ok but I don't own my own home. I just feel like I haven't achieved anything and now it feels too late.

You've known this bloke a year, you don't even live together. Don't try and speed ip a relationship because you want a baby. I had mine at 39, it does happen.

If you have a credit card, you can afford to have your eggs frozen. It's around £4-5k. Yes there are other costs later, but at that point you'd hopefully be with someone to share those costs with.

You obviously don't like debt, and it's certainly not cheap, but if it's important enough, you can do it. It is probably the single biggest thing you could do to give yourself more time/options in terms of having children in the future. Given you already own your home, it's a pretty reasonable option.