Why did my PT ghost me? Did I cross a line?

[ThatAmberSquid]

So, I started seeing a personal trainer a few months ago. I’d left my job due to bullying and was trying to get my life back on track, starting with getting fit again - I’d put on quite a lot of weight due to stress eating. He is fairly new to personal training but also does a lot of work with wellbeing/mental health in the workplace so I thought that would be a great fit because he’d have an understanding of what I’d been through. The sessions seemed to go well and I thought we were getting on really well. I should say, he is a really attractive guy but I didn’t think of him in that way because I’m about ten years older than him and quite unfit at the moment. The conversations we had did get quite personal - he brought up a date he’d been on and we talked about dating disasters etc. He has also complimented me on my appearance quite a few times but I just took that as being a salesy thing that PT’s do. Anyway, my savings are starting to dwindle a bit and I’ve not had much luck on the job front so I mentioned this in our last session in case I needed to cut down on the amount of time I was seeing him. He said as he’d worked in recruitment to send him my CV and he’d take a look - which I did. Got no acknowledgement back. I then decided that I might need to take a break for a while because of finances so I messaged him and explained, saying hopefully I’d be able to book something in a few weeks. Got no response. I’m quite flabbergasted at how rude and unprofessional this is. If I were trying to build my reputation as a PT I would be really keen to keep my clients. I obviously can’t book a session now as it would be embarrassing and I think I’d also find it embarrassing if I were to bump in to him at the gym (which is likely). It’s also made me wonder what kind of vibes I was giving off and if he thought I was some kind of scary cougar! Don’t know if i am being unreasonable/oversensitive about this but would appreciate any feedback.

I think it's a bit odd that he didn't respond after you'd sent the CV (at his suggestion). Maybe, as has been suggested, he's a bit sketchy and got distracted, forgot he hadn't replied. You could always ask him for his thoughts. Maybe he's just busy.

If he is self employed, he needs to prioritise his time. He might be happy to advise on the CV of a current client as a favour but as you cancelled shortly afterwards he might be assuming that you are unlikely to rebook.

So he made comments about your attractiveness,’canvased for your CV and then didn’t acknowledge it and then failed to acknowledge your message about the PT sessions. If anyone needs to work on their boundaries it’s him - it’s his job to set the tone in sessions not the clients. I personally wouldn’t re-book him as a PT as he doesn’t sound like he has the right qualities to run his business professionally. I also think it’s weird that he’s also working as a recruitment consultant at the same time. That’s a pretty full on job if you’re doing it properly. ( I used to be one). He sounds like a Jack the lad shyster and I suspect he’s probably not that good at either job.

Is he still active on social media? Could he have gone on holiday or be ill?

He could be in hospital in a coma, his mother might be unwell, his friend may have died.
maybe he is having a mental health crisis himself. He may not even have opened your email with the cv yet.

Forget it, focus on the job search instead. Good luck.

I wasn’t rude, I was direct but not rude so case in point that you do misread others actions.

You’ve told yourself a huge convoluted story about why he’s not replied rather than him just being flaky. You’ve also overexplained it in your post which is often a trauma response, if I explain in minute detail I’ll not get in trouble.

you are tying yourself in knots/overthinking it. Which does seem to point to a lack of self worth and getting validation externally. Terribly common of course but a chance to recognise and “do the work”.

Agree it’s a trauma response but op needs to realise that.

I'd have expected a reply, just an acknowledgement.

I think the unprofessional red flags were wafting around long before the text in question. He seemed very overfamilar in his comments and conversation. I think this makes his behaviour seem incongruent because of the change of vibe. The lack of response is a bit rude but it might be the case that he thinks you are ghosting him with vague talks about booking sessions, in the future, and therefore investing energy in paying clients, in the here and now.

Have I got this timeline correct?

You mentioned during your last session you might need to cut/stop sessions. PT suggests he could look at your cv,

you send cv

very shortly after, you email to say you can't afford sessions?

If that's correct I can see why he hasn't replied to your cv email. He wasn't helping with your cv out of the goodness of his heart, he was hoping that finding you work would keep you being able to afford his sessions. As you've now told him you can't afford them he's not going to help a non client find work.

I think he was crossing the line asking you to send your CV. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that unless I was confident about exactly what he was going to do with it and who he was forwarding it to.

Exactly.

He’s been a bit hopeless here, not responding in a professional manner. But I agree with PPs that he hasn’t ghosted you, he’s simply refocused to current clients.

Some of the responses here have been unnecessarily harsh OP! You’ve done nothing wrong at all, you haven’t crossed any lines whatsoever, it was a professional relationship and if anything his compliments and dating chat were a bit inappropriate.

no, there was a long gap in between messages. I feel really foolish now for posting this as it does seem like an overreaction and maybe I need to address the trauma from the workplace bullying. I think it’s partly that I’ve been very reluctant to engage with anyone since this happened as I’ve become hugely disillusioned with people generally and this hasn’t really helped.

Sorry you’re feeling a bit raw OP. Hopefully these responses have helped you see you’re ok. It takes longer than you think to get over bumps in the road, take it one step at a time and try not to veer off course.

Definitely address the workplace bullying trauma. And when your financial circumstances permit, go back to your PT if working out with him was genuinely doing you good, but remembering that you're a client paying for his services rather than a friend to confide in. In your vulnerable state, that's a boundary worth maintaining at the moment.

He might be embarrassed re CV. He might not been able to help as he promised.

I think you’re probably reading too much into it.
He’s probably got a lot of clients and may have read the message before heading into a meeting and just forgot to acknowledge it. Yes it’s a bit slack/rude but I wouldn’t worry about it and if you want to book in future just go ahead and do it.

He probably has adhd and forgot to reply. Just re-book if you want

Its very easy to do that, blur boundaries. Spend a lot of time together, get on well etc. You have to remember even if you get on well and share things when you are paying someone you are not their friend, you can be friendly but it is impossible to be friends with someone you pay..imo

Exactly this. He didn't ignore it. There wasn't anything for him to respond to. He is waiting to hear from you when you are able to afford another session.

Just book a session if you want one.

Maybe his day job is in recruitment, and he saw your CV, thought he couldn't make a big enough commission so decided you're not longer a good prospect. Also the talk of how you're running out of money and can't use him as much.

He's running a business. Unfortunately the friendly chat etc was just part of his sales pitch. So as soon as you stop throwing money at it he's not interested.

No response to a message and the cv is rude. Just because there is no question doesn’t mean you just ignore. Lack of people skills seems to be running rife. If he doesn’t respond to that message, I’d be unlikely to go back to him tbh.

OP, I’m sure you’re fine! You’ll make it worse thinking too much about it. I completely understand it and it’s common (myself included) but please relax.

I am sorry @ThatAmberSquid that you experienced bullying in your previous workplace. When things like that happen to us we do begin to doubt ourselves. Please don’t feel foolish for posting.I would also have expected a brief reply to the text you sent. So you are not alone in that view. I think he was a bit rude not to reply very briefly. The best of luck in finding a new job soon OP with nice people.