Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think she’s an awful ‘friend’. CW: SA & violence

98 replies

buswankerbabe · 02/07/2025 09:40

This is hard for me to write but a few weeks ago I was assaulted by the man who lives opposite me. It was Saturday night and I was walking home, having drank far too much unfortunately. He appeared as I was walking through a dark wooded area behind my house and all under the guise of ‘helping you home safely’ he proceeded to assault me. I got out of there without my shoes, without my underwear and when I got home I saw I had blood smears all over the front of my dress. He didn’t rape me, it was all forceful fingers and groping and trying to stick his tongue in my mouth.
I tried not to tell anyone and just bury it, but he lives opposite and I just couldn’t. After two weeks I cracked and told DP. He went crazy and in the school carpark of all places he practically ripped the guys car door off its hinges and got in the car with him, had him by the throat and was yelling ‘You hurt my girlfriend, I’m going to fucking destroy you!’ The whole altercation lasted about two minutes before DP returned to me shaking, burst in to tears and had to go and stand at the end of the street to compose himself. I was mortified.

Since then I’ve confided in a few female friends. Two have been absolutely amazing and really supportive. No questions asked, just hugs, kind messages to check if I need anything etc.

One friend I confided in was initially very kind, and then proceeded to badger me to spend time with her. She even messaged me to tell me she had taken the day off work to ‘come and support me’. I declined. I didn’t want company, just to be alone for now to process everything. Many messages ensued asking if she could come over. I tried to explain that I wasn’t good company at the moment and then took to just leaving her messages unread. Not very nice of me, I know.

Then she said something online about friendship that I felt it might be a dig at me. I messaged her to ask if she was ok and to apologise for not being very responsive. She replied ‘Like you’d care’. I was taken aback….i mean, we are grown women with children, this isn’t how we’re supposed to treat each other when in need. The exchange that followed was deeply unpleasant. She was probing me for details about the attack that I haven’t told a soul. I said I’m not sharing that with you and then she said ‘You need to get your story straight’. ‘Better not go to the police, hey?’

I blocked her on everything. But it’s really broken me. The insinuation that I’m lying because I don’t want to tell her all the juicy details? Was I wrong to refuse her company?

OP posts:
Jojimoji · 02/07/2025 09:54

No.
She doesn't respect you, your boundaries or your feelings.
She is no friend at all.
Cut ties .

I'm so sorry for what you had to go through.
I hope you can find your way to heal soon. 💐

andthat · 02/07/2025 09:57

@buswankerbabe what a horrendous ordeal, I’m sorry you’ve been subjected to this violence and hope you have support.

Do you feel that you can report this to the police?

Regarding your friend…how hurtful that she’s let you down in this way. Block her and focus on the people who have shown you what friendship is all about. I’ve noticed through my life that in times of need, some people surprise you and some disappoint.

Peclet · 02/07/2025 10:02

She is an emotional vampire, keep well away from this toxic person.

So sorry you were attacked like this, it sounds incredibly traumatic for you, are you able to make a call to rape crisis for support.

Peclet · 02/07/2025 10:03

Also, you said you were drunk.

This has fuck all to do with being attacked. The man attacked you because he is a vile human,

You did nothing wrong.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 02/07/2025 10:06

She’s a horrible person who wants to use your trauma for her entertainment from the sound of it. Block her and don’t feel a moment’s guilt about it. If you can’t report to the police, you can still seek support from counselling services. If you do feel able to report it, I know there won’t be any physical proof by this stage, but it’s unlikely you’re his only victim, which could help bring a case against him, but don’t feel you have to. You are absolutely entitled to put yourself first when dealing with this.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/07/2025 10:17

What a vile disgusting excuse for a human. I'm so sorry. She is an awful friend and an awful person

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 02/07/2025 10:23

Just let her go and block online she’s a fucked up person trying to use your experience in some way. No one needs that.

As a PP said, you having been drunk has nothing to do with it, and if he used his fingers to penetrate you that could indeed be classed as rape - but is certainly a very serious sexual assault.

If you feel able to report this to the police, do consider that, as no one should get away with what this awful man did to you.

Whatever you decide, focus on what’s best for you right now. I’m glad you have the support of your partner and two friends.

BettyCrockerClinic · 02/07/2025 10:43

This just goes to show there are some people who will make literally anything, no matter how traumatic it is for the person actually involved, about themselves. I wish I was more surprised to read this.

You are 100% right to ditch this woman, OP. A real friend would want to be there for you if and when you needed them - not so they can show off how caring they are. And the fact that she’s turned so nasty when you don’t give her the chance to play the great saviour tells you all you need to know about her.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 02/07/2025 10:54

Reporting him to the police may help you feel less helpless..
And he deserves to be caught...
Remember you did nothing wrong.. Being drunk isn't the green light to be attacked..

DiscoPig · 02/07/2025 11:10

I would give this emotional vampire another thought, OP. Your assault was a horrifying experience. Document/photograph/preserve evidence in case you decide to report, but, either way, I'd find a therapist who specialises in trauma to help you sort through things as you process what happened to you. Rape Crisis might be a good place to start?

And definitely don't let your former friend's incredibly unpleasant remarks put you off the idea of going to the police, if it's something you have been considering.

DiscoPig · 02/07/2025 11:20

DiscoPig · 02/07/2025 11:10

I would give this emotional vampire another thought, OP. Your assault was a horrifying experience. Document/photograph/preserve evidence in case you decide to report, but, either way, I'd find a therapist who specialises in trauma to help you sort through things as you process what happened to you. Rape Crisis might be a good place to start?

And definitely don't let your former friend's incredibly unpleasant remarks put you off the idea of going to the police, if it's something you have been considering.

'WOULDN'T give this emotional vampire another thought', sorry,

828Pax · 02/07/2025 11:23

I am so sorry that this happened to you firstly.

Secondly, she is no friend. It sounds like she just wanted all the details and to be involved.
if she genuinely cared, she would have understand you needed time to process this.

MittyMat · 02/07/2025 11:27

I’m sorry you were subjected to that attack.

Your “friend” sounds vile. Making your attack all about her, gaslighting you by insinuating you might be lying, and demanding what must be painful details from you.

You’ve seen her true colours. In times of crisis this cow does not care about you.

Block her, forget her.

BeautifulSongsofLove · 02/07/2025 11:30

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. It is traumatic & inexcusable, Not to scare you, but you are possibly still at risk from this man. Talking to trained people can help you to process this & to stay safe, psychologically & physically.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

If you live in London you can contact The Haven
https://thehavens.org.uk/

or outside London, use the postcode finder here.

https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/sexual-health-services/find-a-rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centre/

Take care

The Havens

https://thehavens.org.uk

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 02/07/2025 11:31

@buswankerbabe I'm truly sorry this has happened to you 💐.

This woman is not a friend, she is a toxic lump of nothingness and deserves not a second more of your thoughts.

Fartughtyred · 02/07/2025 12:05

I'm so sorry, what a dreadful thing to happen to you.
Avoid this woman like the plague. Is there any chance that she knows or is friends with the POS that attacked you, hence her over interest in the details? Maybe she'd been asked to sound you out under the guise of your 'friendship' in order that he could prepare for any fallout?
Whatever her reasons, I would never want anything to do with her again if it were me - Hers is not a normal response at all, it's totally devoid of all empathy or real care for you and just adds to the trauma of what you have already endured.
Please take care of yourself and do go to the police if you feel you can.This man is clearly dangerous and ought to be investigated sooner rather than later.

Alltheyellowbirds · 02/07/2025 12:13

This friend is one of those people who just loves to be involved in someone else’s problems. Wants to be the person to take care of you so she can feel important. Thrives off the drama.

A real friend wouldn’t be pushing herself on you at all time like this, or cross-examining you for all the details. She would be led by you on what support you needed.

I am glad you have other, better friends, and a supportive DP.

RunningJo · 02/07/2025 12:28

She sounds awful, OP. Do you think she knows, or has mutual friends with this neighbour which is why she was asking for details and responded in such a way?

I am so sorry you had to go through all of this, it sounds horrific. I am glad your other friends have been more supportive x

buswankerbabe · 03/07/2025 08:29

No, she’s definitely not in contact with the guy over the road so there’s no chance she was fishing for information to pass on to him. I think it was just for her own gratuitous satisfaction.

I did report it to the police after the partner begged me to, but when it came to actually making a statement I bottled it and couldn’t go through with it.

OP posts:
buswankerbabe · 03/07/2025 11:23

Sorry, I’m going on a bit now. But between the man over the road and my partner my life has become a living hell. Every time he pulls up in his car DP is out there, threatening him. He followed him this morning in our car, leaving me at home terrified that he was going to do something stupid. I don’t know what to do. I actually deeply regret telling DP. It’s sports day today and my poor daughter thinks we are going to watch her, but I can’t go and risk seeing the neighbour or my partner losing his shit again in public.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/07/2025 11:32

I think you need to report him properly. This situation won't go away on its own. I'm so sorry this happened to you op. Your ex friend sounds insane I would definitely avoid her for good.

Americano75 · 03/07/2025 12:19

Fartughtyred · 02/07/2025 12:05

I'm so sorry, what a dreadful thing to happen to you.
Avoid this woman like the plague. Is there any chance that she knows or is friends with the POS that attacked you, hence her over interest in the details? Maybe she'd been asked to sound you out under the guise of your 'friendship' in order that he could prepare for any fallout?
Whatever her reasons, I would never want anything to do with her again if it were me - Hers is not a normal response at all, it's totally devoid of all empathy or real care for you and just adds to the trauma of what you have already endured.
Please take care of yourself and do go to the police if you feel you can.This man is clearly dangerous and ought to be investigated sooner rather than later.

Honestly, this was my first thought too.

Francestein · 03/07/2025 12:36

Oh boy, I think you need to speak to your BF about moving before he gets charged with assault himself. As for the neighbour, I understand not wanting to press charges. I really do, but your BF needs counselling and so do you. I think you need to go via the hospital for fastest access to this. Your ex friend obviously has issues of her own and needs to addresss them herself. You’re
not her therapy dog.

RunningJo · 03/07/2025 14:48

I would if you can, speak to the police again.
They will be able to provide help and guidance for you and your DH.
Your DH understandably feels anger against this man, but if he continues he’s going to get himself arrested. And your neighbour isn’t worth the hassle and stress that would bring, he is clearly a vile individual who doesn’t deserve to be living day to day like nothing has happened, but the correct way to deal with it is via the Police. I appreciate it’s not easy to do that OP, but it can’t be easy living day to day like this x

DisabledDemon · 03/07/2025 14:59

She sounds like she wants the salacious details for her own titillation. Swerve this one, she's no friend.