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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think she’s an awful ‘friend’. CW: SA & violence

98 replies

buswankerbabe · 02/07/2025 09:40

This is hard for me to write but a few weeks ago I was assaulted by the man who lives opposite me. It was Saturday night and I was walking home, having drank far too much unfortunately. He appeared as I was walking through a dark wooded area behind my house and all under the guise of ‘helping you home safely’ he proceeded to assault me. I got out of there without my shoes, without my underwear and when I got home I saw I had blood smears all over the front of my dress. He didn’t rape me, it was all forceful fingers and groping and trying to stick his tongue in my mouth.
I tried not to tell anyone and just bury it, but he lives opposite and I just couldn’t. After two weeks I cracked and told DP. He went crazy and in the school carpark of all places he practically ripped the guys car door off its hinges and got in the car with him, had him by the throat and was yelling ‘You hurt my girlfriend, I’m going to fucking destroy you!’ The whole altercation lasted about two minutes before DP returned to me shaking, burst in to tears and had to go and stand at the end of the street to compose himself. I was mortified.

Since then I’ve confided in a few female friends. Two have been absolutely amazing and really supportive. No questions asked, just hugs, kind messages to check if I need anything etc.

One friend I confided in was initially very kind, and then proceeded to badger me to spend time with her. She even messaged me to tell me she had taken the day off work to ‘come and support me’. I declined. I didn’t want company, just to be alone for now to process everything. Many messages ensued asking if she could come over. I tried to explain that I wasn’t good company at the moment and then took to just leaving her messages unread. Not very nice of me, I know.

Then she said something online about friendship that I felt it might be a dig at me. I messaged her to ask if she was ok and to apologise for not being very responsive. She replied ‘Like you’d care’. I was taken aback….i mean, we are grown women with children, this isn’t how we’re supposed to treat each other when in need. The exchange that followed was deeply unpleasant. She was probing me for details about the attack that I haven’t told a soul. I said I’m not sharing that with you and then she said ‘You need to get your story straight’. ‘Better not go to the police, hey?’

I blocked her on everything. But it’s really broken me. The insinuation that I’m lying because I don’t want to tell her all the juicy details? Was I wrong to refuse her company?

OP posts:
buswankerbabe · 03/07/2025 18:10

I can’t face the police. I just can’t. Plus, I’m afraid because I’ve already given my partner a sanitised version of what happened and I’m afraid that if he really knew the truth he’d kill him. He’s not a violent person at all, so I’m shocked by his behaviour the last week or so. He sent me a message today saying that he knows it’s hard for me but every fibre of his being is telling him to kill this man.

OP posts:
Alltheyellowbirds · 03/07/2025 18:14

buswankerbabe · 03/07/2025 18:10

I can’t face the police. I just can’t. Plus, I’m afraid because I’ve already given my partner a sanitised version of what happened and I’m afraid that if he really knew the truth he’d kill him. He’s not a violent person at all, so I’m shocked by his behaviour the last week or so. He sent me a message today saying that he knows it’s hard for me but every fibre of his being is telling him to kill this man.

I think his reaction is completely understandable. I hope he can work through it though and not let it destroy him.

CanOfMangoTango · 03/07/2025 18:17

I'm really sorry about your friend. She's behaved inexcusably. I'm glad you have other more supportive friends.

Your DP is making this about himself. That is not helpful, not one bit. Have you said this to him?

He needs to get counselling, or something, anything and to stop behaving like this. Making a dreadful attack into something you have to change your day to day life to avoid setting him off is not the actions of a supportive partner.

It's actually misogynist behaviour, seeing this as something he has to deal with himself, to protect you. It's about his ego and not what is best for you.

pinkfondu · 03/07/2025 18:21

I’m so sorry how this has all ended up. Firstly, is there anyone who do would liken too? One of your supportive friends or a trusted family member? You need him to calm down and do his job, support you.

lalalalalady · 03/07/2025 18:27

I’m so sorry op, you really need to report him though and hold him accountable so he can not do this to anyone else. Also this woman is no friend of yours. Keep her blocked she’s shown you who she really is.

buswankerbabe · 03/07/2025 18:27

CanOfMangoTango · 03/07/2025 18:17

I'm really sorry about your friend. She's behaved inexcusably. I'm glad you have other more supportive friends.

Your DP is making this about himself. That is not helpful, not one bit. Have you said this to him?

He needs to get counselling, or something, anything and to stop behaving like this. Making a dreadful attack into something you have to change your day to day life to avoid setting him off is not the actions of a supportive partner.

It's actually misogynist behaviour, seeing this as something he has to deal with himself, to protect you. It's about his ego and not what is best for you.

Yes, I have said to him many times now that I need him to support me not to put himself in prison by doing something stupid to this guy. And I’ve told him to stop making it about him when it’s actually about me. He apologises and says he will back off and try to keel his cool, but within a few hours he’s back to talking about it and getting himself angry again. If he does something stupid he will lose his career as well, which he knows but doesn’t seem to care right now.

OP posts:
muggart · 03/07/2025 18:31

CanOfMangoTango · 03/07/2025 18:17

I'm really sorry about your friend. She's behaved inexcusably. I'm glad you have other more supportive friends.

Your DP is making this about himself. That is not helpful, not one bit. Have you said this to him?

He needs to get counselling, or something, anything and to stop behaving like this. Making a dreadful attack into something you have to change your day to day life to avoid setting him off is not the actions of a supportive partner.

It's actually misogynist behaviour, seeing this as something he has to deal with himself, to protect you. It's about his ego and not what is best for you.

This is a cynical interpretation of DH’s response. It IS his job to protect her, that is not misogyny. Her friends, the police, and the community should also protect her. Again, not misogyny. Her DP’s reaction is understandable and of course he needs to listen to the OP if she tells him to stop but your comment reads like it’s trying to drive a wedge in her marriage at a vulnerable time unnecessarily .

However, unfortunately the OP needs to also consider if she doesn’t allow her DH to threaten him, or the police to get involved, then the offender may start to see her as an easy target and attack her again.

CanOfMangoTango · 03/07/2025 18:34

His behaviour is distressing the OP when she's going through something awful. That's the definition of unhelpful @muggart

Anyway, i won't derail the thread on a pointless argument.

OP, I hope you get a resolution to this and your DP calms down.

SapphireRose88 · 03/07/2025 18:36

Please go to the police and give a statement. I was raped when I was 17 and only gave a statement last year, at the grand age of 35. I felt such relief and it really helped my PTSD symptoms. It also meant I got access to Survivor's Network and was able to get counselling. I wish I'd done it sooner. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but so glad now that I did.
Unfortunately if your DP continues the way he is, he risks being arrested for harassment and assault...or worse. Can he stay somewhere else for a bit, until he has calmed down a bit? I was stuck in a small town and it was awful, I can't imagine having him over the road, I'm so sorry this happened to you 💐

MrsMoastyToasty · 03/07/2025 18:40

Report it.
His next victim might be murdered.
His next victim might be a child.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 03/07/2025 19:04

MrsMoastyToasty · 03/07/2025 18:40

Report it.
His next victim might be murdered.
His next victim might be a child.

That is not OPs responsibility. This man is responsible for his actions going forwards. Trying to guilt trip a SA victim like this is a really horrible thing to do.

TwoTuesday · 03/07/2025 19:18

CanOfMangoTango · 03/07/2025 18:17

I'm really sorry about your friend. She's behaved inexcusably. I'm glad you have other more supportive friends.

Your DP is making this about himself. That is not helpful, not one bit. Have you said this to him?

He needs to get counselling, or something, anything and to stop behaving like this. Making a dreadful attack into something you have to change your day to day life to avoid setting him off is not the actions of a supportive partner.

It's actually misogynist behaviour, seeing this as something he has to deal with himself, to protect you. It's about his ego and not what is best for you.

How is it misogynist to want to attack the perpetrator? Any man would want to do that surely? And so he should frankly. If people like that knew they were going to get a kicking they might think twice before attacking a woman.
If you can have another try at going to the police OP it might help him to calm down knowing the perpetrator may get prosecuted. And you too, if you can face it.
And your friend is not a friend but a ghoul wanting to feed off your distress and spread the gory details.

buswankerbabe · 03/07/2025 22:13

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 03/07/2025 19:04

That is not OPs responsibility. This man is responsible for his actions going forwards. Trying to guilt trip a SA victim like this is a really horrible thing to do.

Thank you. I feel so guilty when he’s telling me I must act to protect other innocent victims. I want to, I just can’t do it. Maybe in the not too distant future I will, but I can’t face him being prosecuted and having to give evidence and reliving it. I know it’s unlikely to get to that stage, but it’s still a terrifying prospect.

OP posts:
buswankerbabe · 03/07/2025 22:23

My ‘friend’ is blocked on everything now but I keep rereading the exchange we had. Her asking if I’ve gone to the police yet, why I’m protecting the neighbour and if I thought he was thinking about my DP and my kids when he did what he did. What exactly did he do? Did I do anything to invite it. Etc etc. It’s knocked me back so much. And now things with me and DP are a complete mess. I wish I’d never told a soul.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2025 23:42

Your ex friend is a real shocker trying to make it all about her

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2025 23:43

I hope your partner scares him away and he moves somewhere far from any women

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2025 23:45

I think you also need to say to your partner

'I get you want to protect me and that this has upset you a lot too. But messages like I want to kill him just make me more stressed and worried. I don't want to think about that I just want love and cuddles from you please.'

4forksache · 03/07/2025 23:49

tell dp that he’s making it worse for you and to stop being a selfish sod making it all about him.
cry if you need to, to get the message across

Peclet · 04/07/2025 09:09

buswankerbabe · 03/07/2025 22:23

My ‘friend’ is blocked on everything now but I keep rereading the exchange we had. Her asking if I’ve gone to the police yet, why I’m protecting the neighbour and if I thought he was thinking about my DP and my kids when he did what he did. What exactly did he do? Did I do anything to invite it. Etc etc. It’s knocked me back so much. And now things with me and DP are a complete mess. I wish I’d never told a soul.

I Cannot believe what I am reading. That “friend” is an asshole. Truly. Keep her blocked.

If you can face it- please please try calling rape crisis? I wonder if they have a contact form online? They will give you sound gentle advice and support.

It is all so overwhelming.

Whippetrealgood · 04/07/2025 09:13

That made me recoil reading that. How dare she! I hope you never have contact with her again, you don't deserve that especially after what you've been through. I hope you're getting appropriate support, what a dreadful thing to experience xx

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 04/07/2025 09:21

Your friend is awful but your dp is worse. I get that he’s angry but he’s making it worse for all of you.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.
You don’t have to do anything but it sounds like it would be helpful to contact a SA support group to give you some space to think about you and your needs?

buswankerbabe · 04/07/2025 21:48

I feel like my life is now falling apart completely. DP and I are completely at loggerheads over this. I lost my temper earlier and told him I’m done with him if he can’t just let his hatred go and support me instead. Apparently he can’t because he’s gone to bed without uttering a word to me since about 5pm today, and they weren’t the words I wanted to hear.
This is completely unlike him to behave like this, but I’m seething mad that he’s making this about him.

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/07/2025 21:54

Is he the father of your child? Because if not id be tempted to end the relationship based upon his reaction to this situation. He doesn't sound supportive in the slightest. My god you have been through such an ordeal and my heart hurts reading this thread. Over going to the police and taking it further only you can make that decision but anyone in your life who doesn't support you and make you feel better needs to fuck the fuck off xxxxx

buswankerbabe · 04/07/2025 22:27

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/07/2025 21:54

Is he the father of your child? Because if not id be tempted to end the relationship based upon his reaction to this situation. He doesn't sound supportive in the slightest. My god you have been through such an ordeal and my heart hurts reading this thread. Over going to the police and taking it further only you can make that decision but anyone in your life who doesn't support you and make you feel better needs to fuck the fuck off xxxxx

Yes, he is the father of my children. He’s always been perfect really, I couldn’t fault him. But his behaviour since I told him what happened to me…it’s getting worse and worse. He’s becoming more and more angry every day and he’s making me feel like I’m living on a knife edge, not knowing what to expect next. I try to talk to him about how he’s making me feel and what I want from him but he doesn’t seem to care really. It’s all about how he feels, which is absolute bollocks when you’re in my shoes.

OP posts:
Matchalattecoco · 04/07/2025 22:41

I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone and are currently going through right now.
Could you organise some emergency relationship counselling so you could both process it together/separately if you can afford it?
it’s really hard as you can totally understand your partners anger but he isn’t respecting your wishes which isn’t ok as this happened to you not him, he needs to find another outlet to release his anger as behaving like this isn’t supporting you and inevitably pushing you away.

I’m glad to hear you have some other great friends to support you and wishing you all the best x