AIBU to think she’s an awful ‘friend’. CW: SA & violence

[buswankerbabe]

This is hard for me to write but a few weeks ago I was assaulted by the man who lives opposite me. It was Saturday night and I was walking home, having drank far too much unfortunately. He appeared as I was walking through a dark wooded area behind my house and all under the guise of ‘helping you home safely’ he proceeded to assault me. I got out of there without my shoes, without my underwear and when I got home I saw I had blood smears all over the front of my dress. He didn’t rape me, it was all forceful fingers and groping and trying to stick his tongue in my mouth.
I tried not to tell anyone and just bury it, but he lives opposite and I just couldn’t. After two weeks I cracked and told DP. He went crazy and in the school carpark of all places he practically ripped the guys car door off its hinges and got in the car with him, had him by the throat and was yelling ‘You hurt my girlfriend, I’m going to fucking destroy you!’ The whole altercation lasted about two minutes before DP returned to me shaking, burst in to tears and had to go and stand at the end of the street to compose himself. I was mortified.

Since then I’ve confided in a few female friends. Two have been absolutely amazing and really supportive. No questions asked, just hugs, kind messages to check if I need anything etc.

One friend I confided in was initially very kind, and then proceeded to badger me to spend time with her. She even messaged me to tell me she had taken the day off work to ‘come and support me’. I declined. I didn’t want company, just to be alone for now to process everything. Many messages ensued asking if she could come over. I tried to explain that I wasn’t good company at the moment and then took to just leaving her messages unread. Not very nice of me, I know.

Then she said something online about friendship that I felt it might be a dig at me. I messaged her to ask if she was ok and to apologise for not being very responsive. She replied ‘Like you’d care’. I was taken aback….i mean, we are grown women with children, this isn’t how we’re supposed to treat each other when in need. The exchange that followed was deeply unpleasant. She was probing me for details about the attack that I haven’t told a soul. I said I’m not sharing that with you and then she said ‘You need to get your story straight’. ‘Better not go to the police, hey?’

I blocked her on everything. But it’s really broken me. The insinuation that I’m lying because I don’t want to tell her all the juicy details? Was I wrong to refuse her company?

Hi @buswankerbabe

Firstly, I am so very sorry this has happened to you. ❤

You have done completely the right thing blocking your "friend". Her behaviour has been appalling.

I'm so sorry too, that your DP is making an already terrible time even more traumatic for you. I can only imagine that it is all making you feel like you have no autonomy or control and I totally get that you would want to be left alone to process everything now, instead of having to deal with your partner's reaction.

The only thing I would say is that he's a victim too, in a similar way that people are affected by loved ones with life changing illnesses are affected, and, although he's handling it really badly, I imagine he could feel he's failed you by not protecting you, and is beating himself up so badly. From what you say, it sounds like he needs to talk to process this. But he needs to do it with experts who can help him, and in turn help him help you instead of making things a million times worse. As you said, it's not his story to share and I would feel betrayed by him telling people too.

I can understand why you decided to go no further with the police. That is your choice and no-one should put any pressure on you. What that excuse of a "man" did is on him and his conduct is not your responsibility.

Your responsibility is to look after YOU xxx You can't care for your family or anyone else unless you are as okay as you can be.

I'm no expert, but a couple of previous posters have mentioned Rape Crisis. I had a little look at their website and they seem to offer 24/7 anonymous online support and telephone support too. Maybe even just looking at the website might help a little, if it is not too much for you. They stress that what has happened is not your fault and that most people who contact them don't go on to report it to the police, so there is no pressure. I'm just wondering whether it might be of help both to you and your partner. It says it's for anyone affected by sexual assault, so that might include a safe outlet for your partner? Perhaps just talking to people who understand, and anonymously, who can also guide yourself, might be of help?

Here's the link if you feel you want to look ... What to expect if you get in touch | Rape Crisis England & Wales

Whether you choose to or not, I send you love, peace and good wishes.

Look after yourself. 🌹xxx

No probs. At least it shows it's a common denominator. He's a pig - well, actually, no. Pigs are nice and provide good crackling. He's a slug - and we put pellets down for them.

You are deeply traumatised. Your DP is showing signs of traumatic stress too.

PLEASE seek counselling ASAP - rape crisis will have dealt with this so many times and will be able to help you both.

You’ve done NOTHING wrong. Your attack and the subsequent fall-out is horrific. You cannot unpick this trauma alone. I know you’re trying to function as normal, but you cannot deal with this anymore without proper care and from professionally trained people. I know it’s hard, but take action for yourself.

Op can you and your children get away for a bit? It doesn’t sound like a safe situation you’re in right now with your attacker living opposite and your dp giving way to anger and violence rather than supporting you. Are there any relatives you can spend the summer holiday with perhaps, give you a chance to process it all.
i’m so sorry this has happened to you and in a way it is still happening because you’re having to deal with your arshole friend and your Dp’s anger plus seeing your attacker every day. No wonder you don’t feel you can report it yet. You need time away, rest and undemanding support…not more drama.

Yes, after I posted, I was thinking the same re getting away for a little while, if possible ...

Agree with trying to get away. You need time and TLC. I should have added in my original post - this woman in your original title is no friend. She is your enemy. Completely delete her from your life and do not let her back in. I don’t know what she is insinuating but she is bad news.

You cannot continue like this OP. You’re probably putting in 100% efforts to keep things normal for your children.

This is unsustainable.

Take action and get help. Please. I hope that this eventually leads you to a place where you garner strength and anger at the bastard that did this to you.

You are traumatised and you must get professional help. I’m sorry this sounds so blunt but I’m very concerned for you. I think the reaction on this thread shows that we all very much are.

We’re all behind you OP.

DP has suggested that I get away on my own for a bit. He said he’d book me a nice Air BnB just to have some alone time and he’ll take time off work to look after the kids. I don’t know yet, but maybe I need to take him up on his offer.

He’s clearly trying OP, he really seems to be trying.

This situation not of your making has affected you both on a monumental scale.

Getting away for a little while is good - to give you breathing space - but it is not the solution here - let’s be clear about that. Please seek proper help.

Beware he doesn't go into a rage again op and tell the dc you have left them. He isn't mentally balanced right now...
Reporting to the police will give you back some control... The man doesn't get to suggest bringing his dw over ffs. He is a rapist.

It’s good that he’s recognising you need to get away Op, how would you feel about going on your own?
I agree with PP that you need some proper professional help. The thing is, I get that perhaps your DP’s anger and aggression reflects his own trauma response but you can’t become responsible for that as well as your own trauma. He needs to find support to deal with things and you need to be supported by people who care about you but can prioritise your needs whilst you heal.
with your dp it almost feels as if his anger and his feelings in this have become the priority, to the point where you’re providing a “sanitised version” to protect him.
You need space to put yourself first and to be allowed to heal.

ive arranged an appointment at my local police station next week. The officer said we can have a chat and go from there, I’m under no obligation to make a statement if I don’t want to, so that made me feel a bit more at ease about it.

Help me please, I’m scared. DP has gone out. This is very uncharacteristic of him to go anywhere without telling me first and it would only be to do something like pop to the shop. He was upstairs bathing the kids and putting them to bed whilst I was cleaning the kitchen after his cooking. He’s messy, but the results are worth it.
He just ran down the stairs and said ‘I’m off out’ and slammed the front door. Twenty minutes later I was done in the kitchen, checked the kids and realised he’s not back so I called him and he declined me. At least ten times. He never does that.

i checked the ring doorbell anc our neighbour left about three minutes before DH in his car. There was a motion notification and a Live View so I think DH saw him leaving on the camera and maybe went after him? I’m freaking out a bit. I don’t want this.

Oh @buswankerbabe you must be petrified, is there anyone else who knows what happened who can come sit with you? Really hope your DP hasn’t done anything stupid.

Oh god I truly hope he doesn't do anything that will get him in serious bother. I'm so sorry this has all happened to you op. I know my DH would 100% go after anyone who ever hurt me like that but it's really not helping you. Well done for calling and making the police appointment. I hope your dh is home soon.

You aren't in the wrong in anything you have said or done. Firstly I am so sorry for what happened. It was NOT your fault, hopefully you know this, but I had to say it just to be safe.

Secondly your correct, you are both adults & she should know better. It was kind of her to take the day off, but you don't owe anyone your time, especially right now.

There is support out there if you want to give a statement, again, your choice, no one elses.
No one should be pushing you to share what transpired that horrible night, let alone so called friends.

I appreciate your partner is trying to manage his own feelings right now, but it isn't about him. I'm linking some info for him, hopefully he will understand that right now you don't need more conflict.

www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/resources/RCS-003-Information-for-Partners-logos-WEB.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjJz4-A3qmOAxXCWEEAHX9eHkYQFnoECB4QAQ&sqi=2&usg=AOvVaw1MwZ-JKfhchObzwcyognvO

Be kind to yourself.

If you are to sort this out then you need to move op and fast. Your dh rightly wants to kill the man that’s abused you, mine would too. He can’t sit back and watch the man walk free. If you don’t report it then that’s your right but to save your relationship you need to move house or even area.

I agree. If he can’t drop it then maybe a move is in order.

DP said a few days back that someone needs to move to end this horrible situation. We know they rent, and DP, being spiteful, called the property management company to let them know. I would honestly love it if they’d piss off and he’d be out of my face. But I suppose that won’t happen with rents what they are at the moment, they’d be mad to move.
We own our home, and I love our house. It’s my dream home actually….or it was. I guess it’s time to put it on the market.

Last night DP did follow him but lost him about five minutes out of town. The neighbour must have known because he put his foot down and was gone. His car is fast so poor DP in an Audi Q7 had little chance.

OP i get that your angry and your DP isnt helping but he, too, is angry on your behalf. So I will say this kindly, i do think your focusing a lot of your anger in the wrong place. Hyper fixating on what your DP is or isn't doing with his own anger is not helping you. FWIW I don't think your DP was being spiteful to inform the guys landlord that he has a sexual predator living in their property. If you do report it, then they will likely be notified at some point anyways.

Can you not go away for a few days, ideally alone and get your head together? I do think you either moving or reporting this person are your only options though because one way or another someone is likely going to end up in prison and right now it's not looking like it's going to be the person who has caused all of this trauma.

Oh OP you poor thing. I’m almost lost for words reading what you’ve been through.

The attack from your neighbour is bad enough and it does not matter one jot if you were drunk or not. The blame lies totally with him and there is a special place in hell reserved for scum like him.

Your friend then reacting the way she did!! What an absolute cunt! Some people are really strange around other people’s trauma and seem to enjoy making it about them. Not the same situation but a friend of mine lost a parent suddenly and still fairly young 6 months ago and one of her closest friends whom she has known nearly her whole life picked a fight with her, on the day before the funeral and not only hasn’t spoken to her since but she continues to taunt her from afar. It beggars belief.

Your DP NEEDS to control himself. Does he not realise that the last thing you need right now is to be around an angry, unpredictable man? What you have been through is traumatic. If he loves you as much as he says he does, he needs to be more sensitive and talk through his feelings about it with someone else - preferably a therapist so he doesn’t continue to share what happened to you with people you both know. It’s beyond awful.

Please delete the exchange with your ‘friend’ - don’t keep reading it and don’t speak to her again and I would absolutely take him up on his offer for you to get away for a few days.

Sending un-mumsnetty hugs x

I’m very proud of you OP.

Me too.

You are stronger than you think.

How are things OP? Hope you’re ok.