Divorcing a cocklodger

[Abouttobescrewedover]

I have put almost £750k of savings/inheritance into our relationship in order to support STBXH business.

I’ve paid off the mortgage on our joint property, and own a smaller rental myself.

With the exception of the properties, I have nothing left. Not a penny once the solicitors have been paid.

STBXH earns about £8k a year. He refuses to give up on the business as it means he can do what he wants, when he wants.

I work part time as well as being the main carer to two young children (plus DSC when here) and the person doing all the housework, etc.

We’re in the early stages of divorce, completing our Form E. My solicitor said his needs will be assessed and that he needs somewhere to live.

AIBU to think this is unfair given he’s choosing to pursue a business that’s making no money?

Has anyone experienced anything like this before?

I have loads of evidence whereby I’ve begged him to get a job!

Yikes. This is far too complicated a situation for anyone on this forum to be able to give particularly useful advice - mostly because this is a situation that requires legal advice. And no one here is qualified to - or should - be giving legal advice on a forum like this. The best you're going to get is some empathy/sympathy, likely some "why on earth did you shovel a load of money towards a guy who obviously had financial drama from the get go"; some "make sure you understand what's separate property versus community property"; perhaps some "why didn't you get a prenup??" and some personal stories of woe.

Make sure you have a very good lawyer who is adept at making sure they do the work to establish what is separate property (presumably your rental property) and what is community property. Do your own diligence in terms of figuring out what was paid for (house and business wise) our of your pre-marriage property/earnings, and what has been paid for out of your "whilst married" earnings. Your lawyer should be doing that. Do not throw good money after bad - cut off access to joint credit cards and joint accounts - or at the very least ensure no debts can be run up and no monies expended without sign off.

As for this business of his: that's for the lawyers to figure out - none of us here know how the business was set up, what its financial state is, what you contributed, what the source of those funds was etc etc etc. There are too many unknowns here to be able to give you any useful advice - that's what the lawyers are for. Just document everything and avoid having verbal communications with the guy - make sure it's all in writing.

Meanwhile get yourself a decent therapist so you have someone to talk to about all of this, and to work through all the drama. Hopefully they will help you address why you ended up with a guy like this and why you continued to pour money into a money pit. That process will hopefully help you to avoid those kinds of situations and people in the future, and to better understand your own decision making process and how to make better (i.e. less potentially risky/damaging) decisions in the future.

Good luck.

I don’t believe all that

a male work colleague of mine got divorced about the same time, he bought his ex wife out of the mortgage , doesn’t pay any CMS as he has the children most often , has given up a small amount of pension and she applied for spousal support and was turned down for it

@grumpyoldeyeore
We have been married for 6 years, together 7.5 (less if you ask him as I’ve since found out her cheated on his ex with me for a few months).

Coming into the marriage, I owned two properties mortgage free with a chunk of savings. STBXH had £30k worth of debt which I have since paid off. I’ve had about £200k inheritance while we’ve been together plus £100k gift from my parents to me.

STBXH has a client bank worth about £50k and owns a third of an office (£80k) which he purchased using a SIP so his pension paid for it and I put it about £50k too.

He’s always taking days off and doesn’t advertise, etc. it is a failing business that he won’t give up on. He’s fallen out with every employer he’s ever had and gone legal on more than one occasion. The man is a liability.

@TheSilentSister
i have a solicitor that is meant to be good. She has told me we are looking for a clean break. I have submitted all my financial information and more to show what large amounts of money I’ve put where. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation

@EggnogNoggin
i am not sure if it’s possible but I was more hoping to split assets rather than a percentage. For example, I get the property and he gets the office and business plus a car each.

How's he funding £12k a year for office space if he only earns £8k?
Or does the business make more and that's all he pays himself as a tax thing? @Abouttobescrewedover

@CaptainFuture
he is earning £8k after expenses. His expenses are about £1k a month, I’ve asked if he could give up the office and WFH but he’s said not

But that’s either a loan or investment, right, and there will be transfer records so you do own part of the business it just isn’t recorded on paper. Make sure your solicitor knows this as it might be a good tool in getting a better deal elsewhere as he won’t want you to have an ownership stake going forward so you may be able to trade it off somewhere else.

I think you should. I mean not necessarily you want half but if the business is worth 50k and his pension is 50k then his equity then it all goes in the pot and he can sacrifice his share of other assets in order to keep these things.

You.need a forensic accountant. It will save you many times more than it costs. Your ex is shifty. It can be done by solicitor recommendation and paid from the proceeds of the split

If it were proved I had a stake in his business, what’s to stop him running it into the ground and then just starting another I’m not involved in

I’m not sure if it makes a difference but he’s also accusing me of having an affair now 🙃

So 5 years is considered a short marriage (with the expectation you leave with what you brought) and 20 long so you are at the lower end of middle which helps you.

All I can say is I had a younger female judge and got a good deal overall. While the assets were mixed (so I didn’t walk away with pre marriage assets intact) judge found the split didn’t have to be equal and my greater contributions in capital and future childcare should be taken into account (I got 75%).

It doesn’t always go that way but in a shortish marriage, a second marriage where not all dc are shared and where you will be taking on bulk responsibilities for children you have a good case for arguing either ringfence assets or to split them unequally.

I don’t think the system works when people may have multiple marriages it’s still based on notion of one - let’s face it he could find another victim and do the same again.

His expected earnings are £22k+ at min wage no court will say £8k is all he can earn without a medical or childcare reason. If he has a skill which can earn more than that then you get evidence of salary roles he could do. When you get to questionnaire stage you ask what jobs and roles he has applied to (he will then have justify to court why he is not maximising earnings).

Thank you, that’s the other thing to consider….i have been covering the costs of DSC when with us too

I think you need to take into account that his pension and business are all marital assets as well, irrespective of whether the business is in his sole name - any assets / cash that belong to the business count as marital assets.

@wheresmymojo
Yes, I just can’t imagine it being worth much…pension has been spent buying the office via a SIP

I think the general view is that arbitration/mediation is a waste of time

That’s worth something!!

@Moanranger
i thought arbitration was like a judgement but you paid someone to look into the case in more detail, etc?

You do get a different point of view, but it is not binding, so the arbitrators assessment can be ignored by either party or the courts, hence why it is considered a waste of time. I had a fairly complex divorce & was initially advised by an extremely good London law firm partner in family law. I then used a Mackenzie friend, also v experienced & knowledgeable. Neither advised arbitration.

@Moanranger
this is a minefield 😫

Yup. One of the most stressful things I ever had to do. You have my condolences. Stay focussed. Hold your nerve. Good support on Mumsnet. Best of luck!

I thought arbitration was binding too. Be aware if there are hidden assets / dishonesty you want to use the courts as arbitrators have no powers to order disclosure of evidence which a court does.

will I get to see his Form E and supporting documents such as bank statements or will I only get to know about them through my solicitor?

The exchange of financial information is via solicitors but it will be essential for you to analyse & comment as you will have a better understanding of his & yours finances.
In my case, my ex just dumped a huge amount of bank statements, etc with no accompanying narrative. So I had to go through and work out the income & expenditure & what it meant, e.g. he had bought his girlfriend a car, not explained but you could see the expenditure.
Be aware that if you leave it to your solicitors to analyse ( done by juniors) you will be paying legal fees for this,so it can get very pricey. Suggest that you do this, to save money & also you will understand better what is going on. Divorce can get v v expensive & it reduces the amount you both will have available to split.

What @Moanranger said.

@Abouttobescrewedover , you can save yourself A LOT, and I mean A LARGE 4-FIGURE SUM if you do your homework and compile succinct and easy to understand accounts of all financial data.

Check out Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies.

Thank you, I will need solicitors input but I want to look through it all myself too as I’ll have a better idea of where money have come and gone, etc….I am interested to see it, I’m imagining he’s racked up a load of gambling debt

Op, how old is he? It's relevant as his working lifespan will be taken into account, especially as he is much older than you. Has he paid enough contributions to get a state pension? Check yours as well.