Divorcing a cocklodger

[Abouttobescrewedover]

I have put almost £750k of savings/inheritance into our relationship in order to support STBXH business.

I’ve paid off the mortgage on our joint property, and own a smaller rental myself.

With the exception of the properties, I have nothing left. Not a penny once the solicitors have been paid.

STBXH earns about £8k a year. He refuses to give up on the business as it means he can do what he wants, when he wants.

I work part time as well as being the main carer to two young children (plus DSC when here) and the person doing all the housework, etc.

We’re in the early stages of divorce, completing our Form E. My solicitor said his needs will be assessed and that he needs somewhere to live.

AIBU to think this is unfair given he’s choosing to pursue a business that’s making no money?

Has anyone experienced anything like this before?

I have loads of evidence whereby I’ve begged him to get a job!

You do need to consider the pension and business as you are married and so assets may be seen as marital assets.

Have you had any legal advice?

@AIAgent
just to submit Form E and go from there, which we both have. I only sent mine today so waiting to hear their thoughts

I have no advice but I’m sorry about the situation you’re in. Hopefully with a great lawyer you can mitigate some of the damage.

What made you decide to leave him? When things get tough I’d cling onto that. It’s shit and it will cost you, but it will be worth it.

You shouldn't have to sell it. You will likely have to take a mortgage and buy him out, and therefore stay in the current home. It sounds like you should have the ability to do that?

Again, your best bet sounds like it's going to rest on you having the children for most of the time, and therefore having a greater housing need than him. I would be working on that in parallel. Doing the finances first removes this, which is probably your only real bargaining advantage.

As to the business - you may in fact own half of it, whether it's documented as such at the moment or not. But it'll only be worth what it's actually worth now (or in the near future when it is valued) - which sounds like basically nothing. Or even negative.

Why on earth is your solicitor not explaining this to you? And why are you not getting yourself up to speed on how this is viewed by the courts?

Perhaps you need a new solicitor...

@IsItSummerSoon
Too many things to list, I stayed this long thinking it was best for the kids but it’s not.

As hard as this is going to be, I am looking forward to the future

You have to. ALL assets must be considered in a divorce. Why would you try and leave it?

@OldLondonDad
I am using a different solicitor about the kids so that may complicate things. I have sent a proposal for who sees DC when as we continue living together.

The solicitor advised what would be looked at such as need but my issue is that he’s earning very little from his own choice.

I won’t be able to afford a mortgage, I work three days a week during term time plus whatever overtime o can get. STBXH has said he won’t be paying as much CMS as he does for my DSC either so I’ll have no support there. Rental income isn’t a lot but is at market value. If I were to take on work in the holidays, childcare would wipe that out.

I would be happy to keep both properties and him keep the business and office plus his pension. Not sure he’d agreed though!

Your solicitor said his needs will be assessed.
Im interested because i have a male neighbour who rents two doors down.

He is quite chatty with me and the neighbours. He got divorced in 2021.
Said he owned his house but his wife got the lot including his police pension ( he left the force 2 years ago he works for a electronics manufacturer now) and savings.

How can that be?. I thought both parties get taken into consideration in divorce so both are able to fund housing.

Hi, I have some experience with this. The fundamental principle behind the Marriage Act is a 50/50 split of assets. That’s all assets. You will need to fill out form E carefully & in some detail ( I had to prepare to go to trial at the financial settlement stage & had 3 large suitcases of tabulated & cross-referenced material. Fortunately we settled at the court house door) The financial split includes pensions and his business ( tho this is probably not worth much) as well as property. You should thoroughly document all of your own investment in the family house, his business & any other areas you made a financial contribution. You need to decide what you want as a settlement & offer it to him. If he resists your offer, you may need to do some sabre-rattling to get him to settle on your terms.
In my case, it took 3 years to agree a financial settlement. My ex went after my business, claiming it was worth much more than it was.I really had to hold my nerve. Once we had exchanged Form E info, it was clear he had a lot to lose if he contested settlement, so he agreed.
Also be sure you get a sealed court decision, or else he could come back later for more. A good solicitor should know this, but some are sloppy.

@TheCoralMoose
This is what I’m wondering, I know someone that ended up paying spousal maintenance as well as all that too.

if he’d not earned because he was caring for DC or was a SAHP doing all the housework then I’d be more open to the idea but he’s never here and earns next to nothing after years of earning less than nothing!

@Moanranger
thank you, we have both submitted our form e and I’ve done a spreadsheet detailing all my income and large outgoings along with STBXH contributions.

This cannot go on for three years with us still living together though 😫

@Moanranger
my solicitor suggested arbitration with not being straightforward too.

I had to provide Exdh with a home and he made himself voluntarily unemployed in 6 months preceeding the divorce. La la la la. It was worth every fucking penny to be rid of that cocklodger and through sheer hard work I am solvent again and love my single life. Good luck op. Once bitten.....never again

Does age affect anything, he’s 20yrs older than me…

@Caroparo52
what a scrounger…maybe we were with the same man

You need good legal advice which will not be cheap. No point asking on here as it is such a complicated mess. Good luck.

Whatever you do don’t put any trust in mediation. They just want a result. I thought they were about fairness … no. ExH declared he was leaving his well paid job … that was accepted.

also they draw the process out. We were told not to bring anything, however we both brought spreadsheets. mediator wanted to go through low value things line by line .. we had lived apart for years, all we needed was finances agreed.

@Theyreeatingthedogs
ive been quoted £10-20k, does that sounds right?

@Tumbler2121
isv been told well likely do mediation but then, if that fails, there’s arbitration

You will both be expected to maximise earnings so as a start he can earn min wage if not doing any childcare. Unless he is retirement age.
His mortgage capacity will be negligible on £8k self employed. This is a problem for you on housing need.
How long have you been married /
living together?
What did you each have coming into marriage - pension for eg can be apportioned just for the period you were together.
How recent was inheritance as if it’s not been mixed very long that can affect things
Ideally he would move out and rent on UC and then childcare split would be clearer. However UC has a minimal income floor for self employed set at min wage x 35 hours and they will use this as basis for UC claim not £8k as they don’t expect people to run unprofitable businesses
You can argue his earning capacity is min wage x 35 hours
Ex was found not to be maximising earnings in similar situation. I had invoices showing his daily rate (and so showed he was not working very many days!)
Does the business have any assets that can be sold?
Yes age can make a difference as it affects mortgage capacity and ability build up pension.

Why do you keep talking about 50%? As someone else said, a court prioritises children.

You might think 50% "sounds fair" between two adults but even IF it was, you have kids. You do 70% of the work for two kids so aim for 70%. Actually, aim for 80% and be prepared to settle on 70%.

You aim for 70% to enable you to buy a 3 bed so each child has their own room 10 days out of 14. He buys a 2 bed and the kids share 4 nights a fortnight.

The OP says her husband is 20 years older, this will also have an influence as the OP has 20 more years of potential work to make up any difference- so the split may be closer to 50/50 then 70/30

I don't think he could fairly argue that as a man of working age, its better that his older kids share a bedroom because a working age dad won't work more than 4 hours a week (assuming his 8k is minimum wage). He's working age. He could work.more hours. The taxpayer shouldn't be expected to make up the shortfall, nor should his ex wife or his kids.

OP - if you haven't already, you must see a solicitor.
My ex and I were amicable but I knew I needed to make sure things were water tight. I was due to get an inheritance and I wanted to make sure he couldn't get his hands on a penny of it, even though he said he wouldn't even try. It's called a Clean Break Order, worth you looking in to.
I fail to see why he should be housed at your expense, when you have 2 resident children. Yes, he will be entitled so a share of the equity but I'm pretty sure the courts won't take into account his low earning unless he has a disability or some other reason other that 'personal choice'.
Please, just don't fill in the forms blindly, get proper advice.

But at the same time he could easily argue the his ex wife has another 20 years of potential working time to make up any financial loss - that he doesn’t have, so he could argue for a larger portion of the settlement