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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel like I’m always the "default parent" even when we're both home?

67 replies

Mohidrankhive · 01/07/2025 06:22

Hi everyone,
Just wondering if anyone else has felt like this.
Whenever both me and my partner are home, I seem to be the one who’s always automatically expected to handle everything to do with the kids — snacks, homework, breaking up arguments, bedtime, you name it.
He’s great with the kids, and he will help — but only when I ask. It feels like he never takes initiative unless I spell things out.
AIBU to feel exhausted by this?
Is it too much to expect shared mental load without having to always delegate or explain?
Would love to hear how others have handled this. Is it just a phase, or do I need to have a bigger conversation?
Thanks

OP posts:
tripleginandtonic · 01/07/2025 07:22

You don't have to be. But a lot of women, and I include myself in this, act as though they are. Which is understandable as we have the dc first, a full 9 months before the dad's. But if you step back, accept you don't get your way on all things child related and trust your dcs father it is changeable.

PersephoneParlormaid · 01/07/2025 07:22

You need the bigger conversation, and ask him how he’ll cope when he’s got the kids 50% if he doesn’t sort his shit out.

MyIvyGrows · 01/07/2025 07:26

I had this situation for a while and I ended up taking a promoted secondment for nine months, where I worked away overnight much more regularly. H was faced with stepping up a lot more.

MuggleMe · 01/07/2025 07:27

You've become the household manager. You need to have a proper discussion. You might find it hard to drop the rope but you could start with agreeing who is default parent at the weekend, depending on who's doing what. Also taking time away if you don't much, to reinforce to the kids and DH that dad can do what mum can do.

InterestedDad37 · 01/07/2025 07:44

It's unfortunate that a lot of men need to be told to 'step up' - it's part of being a parent, ffs and shouldn't need saying.
But temper this with the realisation that (as I used to discuss with my kids mum) there will be things for which he is the default - kids used to come to me if their laptops weren't working, bikes needed fixing, bedroom ceiling was leaking again, and so on. These were NOT everyday things, but they were there too.
Also, I never needed to be told to step up - I had always wanted to be a dad, and embraced it with gusto 😀

InvitingMattress · 01/07/2025 07:48

Just say ‘Go and bother your father, darlings.’

BeyondMyWits · 01/07/2025 08:08

I became default for the dog too! It creeps up on you. "NO, I do not want you to walk the dog "for me"", just walk the bloody dog.

Things changed with both the dog and the kids when I shut down the "for you" every.single.time....

and added in a "Do you want me to close the curtains - for you", "Do you want me to put the bins out - for you" (his 2 generally default activities, that I'd do sometimes with no faff).

He then realised that we should both be just doing stuff when it needed doing, looking after the kids and the dog is for their welfare and just needs doing, by somebody, doesn't matter who.

RhaenysRocks · 01/07/2025 08:16

InterestedDad37 · 01/07/2025 07:44

It's unfortunate that a lot of men need to be told to 'step up' - it's part of being a parent, ffs and shouldn't need saying.
But temper this with the realisation that (as I used to discuss with my kids mum) there will be things for which he is the default - kids used to come to me if their laptops weren't working, bikes needed fixing, bedroom ceiling was leaking again, and so on. These were NOT everyday things, but they were there too.
Also, I never needed to be told to step up - I had always wanted to be a dad, and embraced it with gusto 😀

Buy as you say, those aren't everyday and you get the hero thanks for swooping in yo solve the big problem while the mum does the relentless endless grind of homework, vegetables, clean pants, teeth cleaning. It's not the same.

InterestedDad37 · 01/07/2025 08:19

RhaenysRocks · 01/07/2025 08:16

Buy as you say, those aren't everyday and you get the hero thanks for swooping in yo solve the big problem while the mum does the relentless endless grind of homework, vegetables, clean pants, teeth cleaning. It's not the same.

Show quote history

🤔 I know it's not the same - I was trying to make that point obvious 😀
One can't take away the fact that they need doing and people's attitudes to them. And I don't necessarily see those as 'hero' things anyway - they're most a pita 😀

RhaenysRocks · 01/07/2025 08:22

But why raise it then? It's not what the op is talking about. Sorry..not trying to luck I a fight and I'm sure you're great but this is so common. Men equating one off or monthly jobs with the everyday, invisible stuff as though they are equal. Especially on households where both work full time it's hugely unequal.

Swiftie1878 · 01/07/2025 08:22

Mohidrankhive · 01/07/2025 06:22

Hi everyone,
Just wondering if anyone else has felt like this.
Whenever both me and my partner are home, I seem to be the one who’s always automatically expected to handle everything to do with the kids — snacks, homework, breaking up arguments, bedtime, you name it.
He’s great with the kids, and he will help — but only when I ask. It feels like he never takes initiative unless I spell things out.
AIBU to feel exhausted by this?
Is it too much to expect shared mental load without having to always delegate or explain?
Would love to hear how others have handled this. Is it just a phase, or do I need to have a bigger conversation?
Thanks

A bigger conversation.

And don’t use the term ‘help’. It’s not your job that he needs to ‘help’ you with. He needs to do his part of the job of parenting.

Cerezo · 01/07/2025 08:29

I love MN 😂

”I feel this is unfair”

Literally second reply:
“THREATEN HIM WITH DIVORCE!!!”

Making the assumption that you’re both adults who care for one another, have the conversation. A lot of men growing up in the 80s/90s literally did not learn how to mange the mental load of a household. Like the attitude of “here’s a thing, do the thing” was normalised over and above “keep attentive to the environment your family is in.”

It doesn’t excuse being thoughtless and everyone has the responsibility to better themselves from their upbringing, but if the OP’s other half literally doesn’t know then he isn’t being unkind and just needs to learn better through discourse.

NeedToChangeName · 01/07/2025 08:39

Drop the rope a little

Don't be too hasty to do everything

ThejoyofNC · 01/07/2025 08:43

I honestly think it's really annoying when people complain about this. If you ask for him to do something and it's done then I really don't see the issue. I just don't believe in the "mental load".

Cracklingsilverwear · 01/07/2025 08:44

sat morning comes

‘right…. Sophie has ballet at 10, Lucy needs help making a castle for her school project, we need a few bits from Tesco and the hoovering needs doing. What you doing? Lucy and hoovering or Sophie and Tesco???’

lay out the jobs and ask what he’s foong. It would be lovely if he took it upon himself to do parenting such as this without prompting but if he’s not going to - I’d gently push him into the right direction.

if kids ask for things and you’re busy say ‘mummy’s sorting these bills out- ask daddy to get you a drink’ redirect them - don’t do everything.

kids often resort to mum for everything so you help them to start thinking about dad as a useful being instead.

similarly if you are up to your eyes in doing something and they want something you can call ‘Barry! Kids need a snack please ‘

ZippyPeer · 01/07/2025 08:44

Probably got to be a combination of things, having a conversation about it, doing a chore audit as part of that, then agreeing what you'll do differently then holding each other accountable.

For example I refuse to answer the question 'where is xx' anymore - I might have an idea where it is but refuse to do the labour of thinking/remembering/ looking when my partner hasn't even put in more than a tiny bit of effort to look himself

The hard part for you will might be letting things go and not stepping in when you see things not being done/going wrong...

Hadalifeonce · 01/07/2025 08:44

I often used to tell DC to ask daddy, or tell daddy about it, or daddy will help you.

hamstersarse · 01/07/2025 08:45

You are the primary care giver. Most mothers are

UpsideDownChairs · 01/07/2025 08:57

The one that wound me up the most was 'what time is it'

He had access to all the same devices as me.

Anyway. Yes, you need to stop. Just stop.
Do we need milk? - dunno.
Mum, where's my boots? Where did you leave them?.
What are we having for dinner? What are you making?

Be reasonable, but don't accept responsibility for every single thing any more. Redirect, return a question, if it's something that only affects him, just leave him to realise he hasn't done it (and neither have you)

Either he'll step up, or he won't.

InvitingMattress · 01/07/2025 08:58

hamstersarse · 01/07/2025 08:45

You are the primary care giver. Most mothers are

Not in this house. And not generally when both parents WOH equal amounts.

Endofyear · 01/07/2025 08:59

I was the default parent as DH worked away a lot so kids were used to mum doing everything and it didn't occur to them to ask dad when he was home and he had no idea of their routine really. I remember once being in the shower and a little face appearing round the curtain saying 'can I have a drink please?' to which I replied 'Yes darling, go and ask Daddy, he's in the kitchen!'

But DH did do a lot of the playing/bathing/bedtime when he was home and the bigger DIY jobs etc. He just didn't know the day to day routine of stuff - sorting lunches/book bags/PE kits/homework etc.

MieleForMe · 01/07/2025 09:21

As a sahm Dh and I worked it so that we both had a lie in on a weekend and this then meant every week Dh was solo parenting for several hours. We kept this going when Dc2 was born and then we did divide and conquer. Off to the shops? You take a child with you. That meant one on one time for each parent and child and we alternated which child. Children need to get used to doing things they don't like or want to do because that is the reality of life.

This was mainly done because of the sahm part but also because Dc2 had medical needs and had been sleeping on me, co-sleeping in the day and was therefore incredibly attached to me. We needed to remove the velcro child from me.

If your Dh is not used to parenting by themselves then it is easy to fall into exactly where you are. Usual thing is woman works part time to facilitate school runs etc and then weekends are "family time" where all 4 are together meaning the man never solo parents, never has to figure out how to have a poo with an active toddler on the loose in the house because the woman is always there.

Stop using the word "help" too, it implies it is your job and he "helps" instead of parents his own children. I would also go with, pretend I am not here for the next 3 hours, everything those children need you sort out. Be direct tell him what you want him to do. Don't solve stuff for him, don't solve stuff for your children. Get them to work things out for themselves. If they are fighting get the two children to work out a way not to fight, talk things through. What is acceptable behaviour? Would they do that at school with their friends in a classroom in front of the teacher? If not why do they think it is okay to do that with a sibling? Critical thinking is important to learn.

Naunet · 01/07/2025 11:30

How often does he look after the kids by himself?

Makingpeace · 01/07/2025 11:38

I can highly recommend having a surgical operation rendering you completely unable to parent or involve in the day to day runnings of the household while you recover.

He automatically has no choice but to be the default parent and responsible for the household. He then realises just how much you did/do, the challenges it presents and begins to appreciate you more.

Well - I don't recommend the surgery bit but I do highly recommend removing yourself from the equation so he has to solve things and think for himself.

Book yourself a weekend away.

Whosenameisthis · 01/07/2025 11:42

Cracklingsilverwear · 01/07/2025 08:44

sat morning comes

‘right…. Sophie has ballet at 10, Lucy needs help making a castle for her school project, we need a few bits from Tesco and the hoovering needs doing. What you doing? Lucy and hoovering or Sophie and Tesco???’

lay out the jobs and ask what he’s foong. It would be lovely if he took it upon himself to do parenting such as this without prompting but if he’s not going to - I’d gently push him into the right direction.

if kids ask for things and you’re busy say ‘mummy’s sorting these bills out- ask daddy to get you a drink’ redirect them - don’t do everything.

kids often resort to mum for everything so you help them to start thinking about dad as a useful being instead.

similarly if you are up to your eyes in doing something and they want something you can call ‘Barry! Kids need a snack please ‘

But this is the whole point.

why does he need to be told Sophie has ballet at 10. Presumably it happens every week so why is it mum’s job to remember and sort out who takes her.

Why isn’t he laying out the jobs?

I had this conversation with dh. Every time he says “do you want me to” - no, if the bathroom needs cleaning it needs cleaning, whether I want it cleaning or not.

it’s difficult because some of it is just language. He thinks he’s saying “right, I’ll do the bathroom now, unless there’s something else more important I’ve missed”. I hear the literal phrase, “do you want me to”, and it makes me feel like his manager and as if he’s expecting me to make a decision about it.

i do agree with the redirect. If I’m wfh the kids will automatically come to me to ask for something while dh is sat watching telly. No jimmy, I’m working, your dad will get it/take you to the shop.