AIBU to feel like I’m always the "default parent" even when we're both home?

[Mohidrankhive]

Hi everyone,
Just wondering if anyone else has felt like this.
Whenever both me and my partner are home, I seem to be the one who’s always automatically expected to handle everything to do with the kids — snacks, homework, breaking up arguments, bedtime, you name it.
He’s great with the kids, and he will help — but only when I ask. It feels like he never takes initiative unless I spell things out.
AIBU to feel exhausted by this?
Is it too much to expect shared mental load without having to always delegate or explain?
Would love to hear how others have handled this. Is it just a phase, or do I need to have a bigger conversation?
Thanks

But she doesn't want to be.

But temper this with the realisation that (as I used to discuss with my kids mum) there will be things for which he is the default - kids used to come to me if their laptops weren't working, bikes needed fixing, bedroom ceiling was leaking again, and so on. These were NOT everyday things, but they were there too.

oh god. I can't believe you had the actual brass neck to post this guff.

i didn't have this issue, but a friend who did just stopped doing things, she'd attend to the first thing that cropped up, and then for the next she'd ignore it. At first her DH used to say "aren't you going to..." and she'd just look at him, saying nothing, until the penny dropped. It took a while, but she won out in the end.

My exh did nothing with the dc - stuff I called The Donkey Work.Bathing, laundry, bedtime, loading car /dc /pram /shopping.. I did the lot...
When I met dh and we decided to have ds we discussed him sharing raising dc not me being The Go To.
Ime The Donkey Work is what bonds you and dc.. The night wakingsn, the bathing, the stories. Ex missed out so much. We divorced and at teen age dc stopped seeing him. He didn't even fight for them..
Ds and dh have a very strong relationship.. As he does with my older dc. Investing time with the dc really matters. Ask dh what sort of relationship he sees himself having with the dc in the years to come.

Why are they though?

is it because men can’t? Is it because women are naturally better at fetching drinks, cleaning house and remembering where everyone put their stuff?

no, it’s because it’s ingrained in society, and these roles are learned so early that it’s the default.

so we need to stop accepting it, and start expecting men to step up. They can do it, they just don’t, because they have never been expected to.

think about your house being messy and a visitor turning up. What’s the reaction from you and dh? Me, I’m embarrassed and will try and surreptitiously clean up, because it reflects badly on me that I can’t keep a clean home. Dh won’t give a shit, because why would someone think badly of a bit of mess? He’s not the one being judged for it. It’s absolutely ingrained.

The way to solve this is to create a new narrative "Daddy does this."

"Mum, I want a cold drink". "Oh, Daddy does cold drinks, sweetie, go and ask him".

"Mum, where's the TV remote?" "Daddy's in charge of TV stuff, he'll know."

"Mum, can you do my hair?" "Don't worry, love, Daddy is free right now and he'll do a great job braiding it".

Say these sorts of things often enough and eventually they'll be internalised by the kids and their other parent.

Maybe because men know we do things better!!

Hmm maybe it's the case when parents are back at work far more than the 9 months that the dads are more involved. Dd went back when her eldest was 4.5 leaving him in the care of her DH. ( worked opposite shifts)

This time round she returned at 5 months and her DH is currently on paternity leave

He's a fully equal parent and doesn't need telling what to do

Sexist much?

I am the default for bikes needing fixing, laptops rebooting, phones setting up, banks sorting out.

this the issue, and you’re a clear demonstration of the problem. Me do man things, woman do the cleaning and childcare.

did you ever help with the kids or the housework? Or was that her job while you waited for them to need help with things that need a man’s input.

Or maybe they sit back and let us believe that, while it gets them out of doing all the shit they don’t want to do.

Please see my last paragraph. Yes, I was always there.
Maybe read what I wrote again, you've misunderstood it quite fundamentally, or I haven't explained it properly. There were no issues of responsibilities in my relationship with my kids mum. In fact she encouraged me to have custody when we separated, saying I'd make a better job of it.
I was just saying that there are also things which seem to be assumed the role of a man. I'm not saying that's right.

Honestly? It’s because a lot of mums put up with it and don’t say anything which leads to dads not stepping up and unable to use their initiative.

I can only speak from experience of watching my friends go through this, but I feel like if you don’t set the boundary early on that you won’t be taken for a mug and do everything at home and with the kids then you end up with a man who will sit watching the football whilst you’re running around sorting the kids out. They haven’t been asked to step up, or been given the chance to be left with their kids for long so they don’t bother learning how to be an equal part.

My advice? A decent convo about him stepping up when at home and making sure you go out of the house one evening a week so that dad has to be the only parent at home to sort everything out

Full disclosure, I’m a dad. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I think there will need to be major shifts in multiple fronts here and a grown up, calm, rational conversation would help. One where you are clear with how you feel and the impact it is having on you. He shouldn’t argue with that if you stick to how you feel, avoiding‘I always’ and ‘you never’ statements. You may need to change too. Can you let go of a couple of things? Maybe something doesn’t happen and he has to deal with it rather than you. You will need a mindset shift too. He doesn’t ‘help’. He is your partner and father of you children. He takes responsibility to get things done for you and for the children.

I highly recommend the book “seven principles for making marriage work”. This will help you navigate this conversation and get you back on the right track. It may well come as a shock to him and he just needs to have it spelled out. Just some initial thoughts. Good luck!

and he will help

It's not helping though. That's a phrase that's placing you in the household management role with him as the helper. He needs to pull his weight as an equal party. Not see himself as helping by doing something only when asked.

I feel you OP. The key is to resist doing anything, leave the house if you must

You can’t just decide something doesn’t exist.

A family is leaving the house. The man says, “keys, wallet, phone” and steps out of the door. The woman says, “snacks, proper shoes on the kids, make sure everyone has gone to the loo, insect repellent/sunscreen/allergy pills/whatever they need, where are the 100 things they need, which car are the car seats in, when has everyone napped, coats, shit Sarah needs a new coat, it’s getting small, where’s the list, bag for all the crap when it warms up and they lose the coats, sandcastle building supplies, water, membership card for the English Heritage, have to be back in time for the birthday party later that I got the gift/card/wrapping for, AND keys, handbag, phone”.

And then the man complains that she takes a log time to leave the house.

This doesn’t happen in my house. But it wouldn’t be quicker, more fun or easier to tell a man to do all the things above. If he’s a lazy twat. And women on here with avoidant DHs who give them ‘buy a coat’ and ‘get a gift’ find out quickly that they don’t.

I always come back to the Emma comics on the Guardian to demonstrate this and the mental load, tagging @ThejoyofNC who clearly needs to read it.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

@Whosenameisthis - my favourite word is scurryfunge - to rapidly clean when company is on the way over! 🤭

So you get to fix things once in a while and get all the kudos while mum does the day in day out relentless grind of shit tasks no one appreciates. Yeah, that's the definition of letting your wife carry the mental load.

Please see my last paragraph. I was always a full participant in parenting.
Maybe read what I wrote again, you've misunderstood it quite fundamentally, or I haven't explained it properly. There were no issues of responsibilities in my relationship with my kids mum. In fact she encouraged me to have custody when we separated, saying I'd make a better job of it.
I was just saying that there are also things which seem to be assumed the role of a man. I'm not saying that's right.

I think this is a common scenario. It's usually just habit, especially if the kids always come to you first.

I think that in terms of most "household" stuff, there will usually be one person who leads, and the other is like the sous chef. So, for example, I used to be the lad on all cooking stuff. Dh cooked happily, but the assumption was I would except certain days I worked later, and I also managed groceries and such. (Dh is now retired so this is in flux, which is not great really, we end up with weird dinners. We will have to sort this eventually.)

In terms of cars, he does all of that. I will (reluctantly) take a car in to the shop or something if he asks, but he manages maintenance and registration and all that kind of thing.

Most management works better with one main caretaker and people naturally tend to organise things that way, often without really intending it.

With kid stuff it often falls to the parent who was home when they are young, and if you want to "reset" you have to do it explicitly. Decide who is in charge of what elements of childcare. But if it's just in the moment stuff (can you get me a snack) you can usually do it by consciously redirecting. It's better to talk about it first though so you won't accidentally end up working against each other.

It is not ‘society’ , females are built (literally) to nurture children.

I own a farm.

If I tried to get any of my male animals to look after the young, there’d be no young.

Female humans have it pretty good in the scheme of things in nature. I accept it’s not easy though.

Then why are huge numbers of women swerving having children?

there are many male animals that coparent. Many men coparent, and guess what, many men also raise children successfully as single parents.

likening humans to farm animals, really? So all we can expect from men is to have sex and fuck off? And nothing we can do will force them to look after “the young”?

why don’t women just take the farming approach and go for AI, ditch trying to coparent altogether if they are never going to look after their young.

DD has been known to call for me even when DH is in the same room 😂
It's all the usual reasons - main carer, patriarchy, default parenting, lazy parenting, kids preferences, executive function issues. And so on.
Ultimately you make a choice. What's your boundary and what's best for your children. I think in most cases your own personal boundaries (mental load) generally give way to looking after your children.

nah - you have jumped in to give the man's view.

We know what the man's view is. And every post you make doubles down on the annoyingness.

WE KNOW. And several of us have DHs that step up without being asked. (FWIW: i am tech and DIY with bikes and cars. And gardening. DH is Cooking and Cleaning and how to work the Nintendo thing)

I'm afraid you couldn't be further from the truth, but I'll leave it there.