AIBU to feel like I’m always the "default parent" even when we're both home?

[Mohidrankhive]

Hi everyone,
Just wondering if anyone else has felt like this.
Whenever both me and my partner are home, I seem to be the one who’s always automatically expected to handle everything to do with the kids — snacks, homework, breaking up arguments, bedtime, you name it.
He’s great with the kids, and he will help — but only when I ask. It feels like he never takes initiative unless I spell things out.
AIBU to feel exhausted by this?
Is it too much to expect shared mental load without having to always delegate or explain?
Would love to hear how others have handled this. Is it just a phase, or do I need to have a bigger conversation?
Thanks

oh yea, you are so great and i wish all men were like you so threads like this needn't exist.

Feel validated in your wonderfulness enough now?

You’re definitely not being unreasonable—a lot of us have felt this exact same way. It’s not just about doing the tasks, it’s the mental load of having to plan, remember, and delegate everything that becomes exhausting.
It sounds like your partner is willing, but maybe he doesn’t realize how much pressure it puts on you when you always have to ask. Taking initiative is part of sharing the load, not just waiting for instructions.
It might be worth having an open conversation—not as a criticism, but as a “Hey, I’m really overwhelmed and I need us to function more as a team without me having to be the project manager all the time.”
Sometimes people just don’t see the invisible work until it’s pointed out.
You’re not alone in this—thank you for sharing!

Totally get where you’re coming from—and you’re right, it shouldn’t need saying. Being an engaged parent is part of the job, not a bonus.
At the same time, I appreciate your point about different "default" roles. Some tasks naturally fall to one person more often, especially if they match skill sets or interests—but everyday parenting responsibilities shouldn't be one-sided just because they’re more routine.
It's great that you embraced fatherhood so fully. We need more of that energy out there—it sets a strong example, not just for kids, but for other parents too.

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That's great but how do you feel about reinforcing gender stereotypes to your kids?

i too agree with you

They're all pretty cool modern youngsters tbh 😀

Oh my gosh- your posts are infuriating as instead of taking on board what multiple women are saying to you, you just keep on repeating the same thing- just reinforcing the fact that most men really do not understand the concept of the mental load!

Have you tried “ask your dad” do it enough they may just start going to him. Just rinse and repeat.

Tbh I’ve never really had this problem, DH does bedtime because I don’t have the patience and DD will get a snack off whoever is within shouting distance. I think it starts when they are babies tbh, it’s always important to make sure you don’t default to doing everything when they are little.

Yanbu. Try a few things- a long walk on the weekend just before lunch. I think it very reasonable to tear strips off a dad who hasn’t fed his kids lunch because you didn’t tell him. Half the time when asked something, say ask your dad.

I'm a woman and been a single parent most of my life I don't understand " me yal load". It's just doing normal day to day organizing of stuff. So why is it such a me tal load?

I got fed up with this when I went back to work full time - fair enough when I was doing three days a week so had time to sort things, but not when we were both working the same amount.

My solution was to add him to all the school comms and WhatsApp groups and then take no responsibility for anything that happened on his days to do the school run - of which he did half.

It took a couple of mornings of “why didn’t you tell me about X?!”, to which I responded each time, “it’s on your day, I assumed you’d read it on Studybugs/ whatsapp”, but he got the idea pretty quickly. I also would text him when I HAD done something school related (I’ve filled out the form/bought school disco tickets etc) so he didn’t assume that it was being done by me if I didn’t mention it. Again, took a couple of occasions where he’d assumed that I had without checking, but he’s a bright man, he was and is capable of learning!

Likewise I also won’t arrange gifts etc for parties he’s taking the DC to, nor will I do all the running when he makes an announcement about something ‘we’ need to do (“there are ants in the utility room, we need to get something for it”, that sort of thing). It has definitely taken training - of him - and I’ve had to stop myself from stepping in to just deal with it automatically but he’s much better about it all now.

You don’t understand how organising things is a task? Remembering everything for your children. You may not find it difficult but if you don’t do it, the result isn’t pretty. So it counts as a task. I mean PAs are paid. Mums are essentially PAs for the family a lot of the time.

You don’t understand how organising things is a task? Remembering everything for your children. You may not find it difficult but if you don’t do it, the result isn’t pretty. So it counts as a task. I mean PAs are paid. Mums are essentially PAs for the family a lot of the time.

It's not difficult. It's just life Even people without children have to do it. Men included It's hardly mentally draining

Oh dear. What kind of sexist regressive worldview are you passing on to your DC with that attitude?

All of the men in our family are, and have been, amazing engaged dads and a lifelong support to their children. The younger dads are absolutely in there, happily cooking, bedtimes, doing the school runs and the hobbies, dealing with the tears and tantrums.

I think this is very common. I have never forgotten the evening when DH was cooking dinner and I was upstairs putting laundry away. DS climbed two sets of stairs to find me and ask me how long until dinner
I’m afraid I have no answers - getting cross and irritable about it every so often does not seem to have made a difference and the kids still see me as default