To lie to dds friends strict parents

[whocaresforyou]

One of Dd(12) best friends from primary has very strict parents, basically everything fun or remotely dangerous or unhealthy she isn’t allowed to.

During primary I was obviously more in contact with friends parents and involved with the kids so agreed to follow their rules and made sure they did suitable things.

Now they’re in secondary I don’t hang around or organise activities for them much anymore. Our house has become the hangout house and there’s a group of girls here most weekends.

There were several of them round for a sleepover on Saturday night who made bubble tea, ice cream sundaes and watched twilight. All things I know friend would not be allowed to do but it was hot and there were new friends round so I didn’t want to embarrass friend and tell her she wasn’t allowed so I just stayed out of the way. There’s defiantly been a couple of similar things that have happened that I’ve heard about and just ignored over the last year.

AIBU to obviously within reason just let them get on with it from now and do these normal things and not mention any of the ‘bad’ stuff to her parents?

the alternative is I say the kids are going to be doing these sorts of things now and their dd is no longer allowed to hang out with her friends because I’m not prepared to implement these rules.

What’s wrong with a sleepover bubble tea movie with friends ?

in my opinion nothing. But dds friend parents wouldn’t allow the caffeine, sugar and slightly older rated film

You didn't see a thing if her parents ask, why would you be helicopter parenting a group of 12 year olds? Keep giving this poor girl a healthy outlet to be a normal child, they don't get to dictate what goes on in your house.

who made bubble tea, ice cream sundaes and watched twilight

how did you know they wouldn’t feel comfortable with this?

Are her parents asking you what activities they're doing? I definitely don't think you need to go out of your way to tell them, but if they're asking it's more difficult because to outright lie would be irresponsible and inappropriate. You could be vague but honest - 'oh just some films and snacks' and hope they don't press you for details.

I would keep out of it at that age. The girl is old enough to know what parents agree with and don’t so it’s up to her, don’t get involved.

Poor girl, great way to push her away if they are that strict on bubble tea and ice cream.

If she’s allowed at sleepovers how strict are they?
Surely they know that other parents have different boundaries
if they’re happy to let their DD come to your house then leave it at that

I think you stay out of the way and claim ignorance if asked. Though by this point don't the parents know that you are OK with these things ergo understand they have the potential to happen at your house?

Odd they don’t allow so much
But they don’t mind her sleeping over

They normally just check in throughout and after by text that everything went okay and that they’re dd is being good. When I occasionally end up seeing them in person they will ask more questions though.

so did they ask you ?

What do her parents think happens on sleepovers ?

Yeah, I'd be light on details. If they ask about films just say it's Disney or something. I think you're doing this poor girl a good service.

My oldest has a friend who is only just being allowed out without parents following her GCSEs! I will never get parents like that.

and what do you say?

Very odd how seemingly strict they are and yet they’re totally chilled about multiple sleepovers

Just say you left them watching a film and they had fun.

I agree with PP that if they ask you if she had sugar and caffeine you shouldn't say no but then again you could say your DD made some drinks and snacks but you didn't hover over them to see what. If they complain about that then you could say that it's up to them if they allow her to come over on that basis but it would be a shame if the child were not allowed to come over any more.

Just seen that they may press you with questions when they see you. I would make it clear at this age you don’t get involved too much and leave them to it. Then it’s up to them to question their daughter.

No I wouldn’t lie about it. Dd has a friend who has never been on a sleepover due to this sort of parenting and I would not undermine their right to parent as they see fit, it’s not fair

Yes odd, I would've thought anyone who thinks ice cream is the devil's work wouldn't agree to a sleepover! They sound like 17th century puritans.

At that age stay out of it. It’s all perfectly age appropriate and legal (not like it’s booze and slasher movies). It’s up to the parents to decide if she’s allowed to stay round and I certainly wouldn’t be enforcing their (bonkers) rules in my home. They’ve said yes so that’s that. If asked say the girls watched a movie but you’re not sure which one and had snacks/drinks.

They can't expect water and rice cakes surely?

Honestly I think "my house, my rules" applies here. If my 12 year old son has friends over, I expect to monitor what happens the same amount as I would monitor my son and to make then stick to the same rules. I would not be putting more effort into monitoring their child, unless there was a really clear reason that I needed to do this and I had agreed to do it. Like the child had a learning disability or a food allergy.

I would stay out of it. If I have concerns about someone else’s parenting, I simply don’t allow my child to go to their house. They haven’t asked and I wouldn’t say anything. It’s up to their dd to talk to her parents about what she did. My dd (also 12) has a friend who’s mum lets her regularly drink alcohol at home and stay up all night on TikTok. After the last time dd went for a sleepover there and she was offered a cider 🙈 she no longer has sleepovers at that friend’s house.

That sort of stuff is a bit implied. If I’m sending my child to your house, it’s under the assumption you won’t give her a drink and let her stay up all night on her phone. I take phones away at 11pm for sleepovers at ours ;and obviously well before that on a normal night). But I don’t think anyone can assume their child won’t eat snacks and watch films. I’d keep my mouth shut and let the girl enjoy a bubble tea.

Shes had sleepovers since they were 7 so I guess not strict in that sense but I know she hasn’t been allowed on sleepovers at new friends houses.

its more health they are concerned about so little sugar, screens, makeup, takeaways etc and then physical danger so no going out unsupervised not been allowed ice skating or to adventure parks.