To lie to dds friends strict parents

[whocaresforyou]

One of Dd(12) best friends from primary has very strict parents, basically everything fun or remotely dangerous or unhealthy she isn’t allowed to.

During primary I was obviously more in contact with friends parents and involved with the kids so agreed to follow their rules and made sure they did suitable things.

Now they’re in secondary I don’t hang around or organise activities for them much anymore. Our house has become the hangout house and there’s a group of girls here most weekends.

There were several of them round for a sleepover on Saturday night who made bubble tea, ice cream sundaes and watched twilight. All things I know friend would not be allowed to do but it was hot and there were new friends round so I didn’t want to embarrass friend and tell her she wasn’t allowed so I just stayed out of the way. There’s defiantly been a couple of similar things that have happened that I’ve heard about and just ignored over the last year.

AIBU to obviously within reason just let them get on with it from now and do these normal things and not mention any of the ‘bad’ stuff to her parents?

the alternative is I say the kids are going to be doing these sorts of things now and their dd is no longer allowed to hang out with her friends because I’m not prepared to implement these rules.

I mean allergies aside who doesn't allow their kid an occasional ice cream?

"We’re studying together for a test."

It’s simple, safe, and believable

DD had a friend like this

In primary school all the DC would give this girl their crisps and chocolate

These parents are deluded if they think their DD will refrain from their restrictions behind their backs

You aren't lying just not informing. But no ywbu to lie directly to the parents.

I wouldn’t outright lie, but if they asked I’d just say the girls watched a movie and I left them to it.
The parents sound unhinged 🫠 and a recipe for teenage rebellion and alienating themselves from their child.

Not allowed out unsupervised age 12?

How does she get to and from school?

Is she overweight?

I wouldn't say anything to the parents. If they ask what they did, just say they were watching a film and hanging out. At 12 you shouldn't need to micro manage them or watch their every move and I personally wouldn't change my whole way of parenting to accommodate someone else's weird views. At that age they can't really control if she has a bubble tea or not, surely she would just buy one and lie about it if she wanted to?

So op… when they have asked all the times previously, what have you said? Been honest or lied?

and have they explicitly said… no screens, make up, caffeine, little sugar, takeaways?

If they haven’t explicitly asked I wouldn’t tell. The examples you gave are such a nothing. If you were buying them booze and cigarettes then fine but some bloody sugar and TWILIGHT! Not even a horror in my book…

It would be a thing if it was some genuinely harmful (booze and cigarettes) or a really inappropriate movie, or if you asked their DD to lie or if you outright lied and went against their wishes. But it’s a don’t ask don’t tell.

That girl will go off the rails when she hits 16.

Is the film a 15? Have to admit I wouldn't bother about the bubble tea and icecream but I would not be showing a 15 film to kids age 12 at my home without checking their parents were OK with it.

" Oh, they're good girls, I just leave them tomit! There's never any trouble."

I googled it, it’s a 12!

Honestly if her parents won’t let her watch an age-appropriate movie and eat some ice cream, or go ice skating “because it’s too dangerous”, aged 12, they honestly shouldn’t be surprised that she is lying to them.

Well I think if they want to parent so ridiculously strictly, like your DDs friend they should not allow her to go to sleepovers.

Not impose their ridiculous rules on others.

My 16yo has a mate with a mum like this. I tell my DC I want plausible deniability, so like organising ice cream, they would do when I’m elsewhere in the house. I’m not her flying monkey

What does she think they do at a sleepover

im shocked at this

mini blondes 8a has sleepovers

make up. A bit of pampering /face masks / chocolate and movie with lemonade

that’s all fine

My friend’s son has two classmates are like this. The kids are twins and every year when they’re dropped off at my friend’s house/location for a birthday party, the mother tells my friend to please not allow them any sugar or processed foods. When it’s time for the party food my friend says very diplomatically “I won’t put food on your plates for you, boys - just pick whatever you think is OK for you to eat” and then enjoys watching them make a happy beeline for the Monster Munch and jammie dodgers.

I would be turning my blind eye unless they were cracking open WKD’s. Those parents sound overly controlling.

Absolutely this.

YANBU. At that age, however, I’d push the decision back onto the parents - ‘DD is allowed have five friends over for ice cream, and a movie (Twilight or similar) / RSVP.’

Ive a family near me who are helicopter parents and very judgemental (and happen to have children the exact same years as mine so friendships have naturally developed) and I honestly take a ‘defensive medicine’ approach and leave it up to them to opt out of things they don’t like, They spoke to me once about how my DD2 offered to lend their DD2 some clothes and makeup, saying this was a mild form of bullying but they were’prepared to let it go this time’ 🙄 so I am happy that that friendship has aged out naturally.

Strict parents breed sneaky children

Never works

At my now adult DD's 5th birthday party one of her friends came from a family who were vegetarian. This child came up to me to say ' I just ate a sausage, don't tell my mum!' I did not feel the need to tell her mum.

That kid is going to rebel one day!!!

If she is ever allowed to go to uni she will move to the other side of the country and spend semester 1 partying like it's 1999 before running out of money. She will probably be more at risk from alcohol, predatory men and unsafe behaviour than if she'd been allowed to grow naturally into her teens and young adulthood and learn how to handle these things gradually.

No I wouldn’t lie to them. But I also wouldn’t report exactly what they were doing. I suspect a lot of the time you aren’t supervising them anyway - you are just in the house too.

It’s very different if you were giving them alcohol or letting them watch 18 rated movies or walk the streets at midnight. But they are just hanging out watching an age appropriate movie with some soft drinks and snacks - perfectly fine.