When people say you have to be a parent, not a friend, it shows a lack of imagination and a warped view of friendship. It is entirely possible to be both, in fact, there is a whole lot of crossover in both types of relationship. You have to be willing to be honest and open with if they are choosing a path you feel has pitfalls. You give them your advice / opinion but still support them if they make that choice and suffer the natural consequences. You allow them to have their own thoughts and opinions, but let them know if you disagree. You support them in their hopes and dreams, commiserate with them when things go wrong. You have fun with them going to places you both enjoy but equally, will go to places they want to go to, even if it isn’t your idea of fun. If they over step the mark with something you don’t like, you tell them that and discuss why it’s a problem. Can anyone say those are the wrong thing to do in either a friendship or parenting relationship?
I would say I’m my teenager’s best friend. This has nothing to do with me or her, but is a consequence of how crap teenagers can be with dealing with disabilities. She’s had friendships over the years, but inevitably they forget they need to be inclusive, or struggle with how her autism can manifest itself. Because of her disabilities she has spent way more time with adults than children, and has always been more mature than her peers because of it. We talk about everything, we gossip about school stuff, we have debates and disagreements over a clash of opinions. I help her navigate the issues she has with her peers and support her whenever she has developed friendships and encourage her to do her own thing.
There is no blurring of boundaries. On the very rare occasion she crosses a line, I remind her I’m the parent. I daresay most parents of teenagers have had to do that. I’ve raised a 16 year old who can make her own decisions. Who can think out her choices and do what she thinks is right. She can stand up for herself when she needs to, and knows her worth. She won’t accept being treated badly by “friends” to keep the peace or to stay in their group because why should she? She is kind, sensible, fearless and funny. She respects other people but won’t follow the crowd.
I have never had to ground her, or tell her she isn’t allowed to do anything, because she has been raised to make the right choices. As an example, when she started high school she wanted Snapchat. I didn’t want her to have it because she was too young and it is risky. I didn’t just say no, I told her to look up what the risks of having Snapchat were. She decided she didn’t want it when she read what the problems were. She actually told her friends how dodgy it was when they asked if she had it. If she had still said she wanted it, I’d have said no.
She is a far better person than I was at 16. My mother was emotionally unavailable, would refuse to let us do things “because I said so”, was strict in many ways and entirely indifferent in others. Quite a typical parent of her generation. I know I’m raising my daughter a better way.
I wouldn’t describe her as my best friend, it’s never a label I’ve used in any friendships in my life, but she could be described as a close friend. I don’t rely on her for emotional support but that’s true for most of my friends, I have a sister and a husband for that. I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks of that label.