to want to know more about OH's infidelity?

[MelBrookesMyHero]

I'm posting cos I just have to get this all off my chest somewhere, I don't have anyone else I can share it with, it's brewing up inside and I just need to vent. It's been 6 weeks since my OH of nearly 16 years confessed to having 3 (at least) ONS's in the past 5 years. She's sorry, so she says, but going about her life pretty much as normal, while I am just utterly dysfunctional, literally struggling to do the mundane but essential daily stuff. Beyond saying who and when I can't get any detail, I'm told it doesn't matter or she can't remember bullshit. It's driving me mad, quite literally circulating through my mind 24/7, is this what happens? Or is it just me? Is it unusual to want to know more?

AIBU to think she should share the details?

Why are you still with her? Do you have children together?

I just wouldn’t accept this behaviour. Why would you put up with such betrayal?

Yes 2 kids, and we're still together, just cannot get my head straight. Do people ever get over this feeling? Gutted, feel so incredibly incapable right now.

It sounds a little insane to push off as something that doesn’t matter. That’s a big matter in a marriage. I think I’d leave and never speak to her again, ever.

LTB.

Yes, that is what happens. She should share details, but you already know she doesn't do as she should. She'll probably lie, so it isn't worth it. Instead of the who and whens and all that, your focus should be on getting her out of your life. She's a serial offender and she isn't going to change. You don't even know if the stuff she confessed to was the extent of it.
You obviously need some support with this and validation that your reaction is normal, which it is. Go to chumplady.com.

What details do you want to know? If my DH confessed to having at least 3 ONS that would be enough detail for me to know that I need to leave.

It isn’t going to help you in the slightest to know the details. All that matters is that she cheated on you three times. You need to separate. She’s treated you like absolute shit and she’ll continue to do so.

How will details help? If she told you she’d slept with (insert random names here) all on nights out, she just nipped back to their place, would that make the hurt go away or make it easier for you to get over?

Jesus, why did she tell you? You say OH, are you married or not? This is going to drive you mad, she’s shat on everything you share and the life you thought you had together. Split up, now, and start your new life.

Would you not rather dump her and be happy? You can parent your kids 50% of the time and enjoy life without some repeatedly cheating girlfriend draining you.

It's normal to want to know the details (I did) but actually it doesn't help at all. You know all you need to know - your OH is regularly unfaithful.

The details won't help, of anything they will give you more to obsess about.

It's a simple as she has wrecked your marraige, there's no trust or respect in it anymore. Splitting up and trying to co-parebt the best you can is really the only option that will help you.

Please get some counselling to help you with this.

Leave her - she doesn't deserve you.

Really feel for you OP. I’d be livid if this happened and especially if DH was just cracking on with his life as if nothing had happened.

If the details matter to you on order to move on then you need to discuss those with her. If you want the details only to torture yourself further or go after the third party then maybe they’re best avoided. I personally would not want further details. What I would want is to know why they confessed now, and why they did it at the time. The who doesn’t really matter.

What Id want to know would also depend on what I hope happens next. Apology, counselling, some repentance? Do you both agree you want to work on the relationship? Do you as an individual think you can get past it?

Have you posted about this recently? Whether ONS are worse than a sustained affair? I think you both need counselling, not MN.

What do you see as your end goal in all this?

Are you the type to forgive and forget or is cheating the end of the line?

Because depending on what your stance is - depends on your next step.

In all honesty of she is brushing you off, living her best life, it doesn't really sound like your high on her priority list.

Personally id be out the door as soon as she had told me. Relationship is done, dead. Im gone, and its all about your personal healing from there on out.

Kick her out. She has betrayed you and doesn't deserve to be in the house with you and the children. Tell her that when she gets somewhere stable to live you'll share custody. Don't make excuses - just put your foot down and get rid.

It sounds like she is a Lying Liar Who Lies.

She’s lied for years, why would you trust that she is being honest now? Even if she does give details, could you believe what she says?
Why has she confessed now? Did you catch her or did she confess to you out of nowhere? I would be wary about her motives. It seems odd that she’s gotten away with this multiple times for numerous years and then suddenly decided to tell you… and she’s going about her life just fine so it’s clearly not guilt or remorse that got her to confess.

She would just lie. You need to take some power back and see a lawyer. This is not a nice person. I’m sorry you are going through this.

What details do you need?
3x times tells you everything. She will do it again, btw!

Either you leave or you accept to live like that🤷‍♂️

Dead easy to say 'dump her' or leave, I suspect it's not that easy with kids, and if you've been together 16 years. I know the details are important to you even though they might seem insignificant to her or even she might feel they're more damaging and she might just be trying to protect your feelings. If there's any chance of your relationship surviving though you'll want not just honesty, but openness and candour and that will be uncomfortable for both of you. It might take counselling, and probably many sessions of it before she opens up. She might never open up, but it's promising what she's told you already, it must mean she wants you to know, maybe just doesn't want to hurt you any more.

But I don't underestimate how hurt you are. My now ex OH eventually ended our relationship of a quarter century many many years, and two grown up kids after my infidelity because he just never got over it, largely because I couldn't give him the details he wanted and the trust was destroyed.

Put yourself and your feelings first though for now, if it means being away from her for the time being then do it, but try (as hard as is) to be rational, take counselling for yourself first, then maybe as a couple. Good luck.

Some people need the detail. Sorry but not buying that she doesn’t remember. She does, maybe she is trying to spare you.

Knowing the details probably won't help.

If you want to stay together, she needs to figure out why she did this so she won't do it again. You probably need individual and couples' therapy.

These sudden confessions out of the blue can happen because an affair partner (or somebody else who knew about the cheating) has threatened to tell.

I suppose if they were all really one night stands then it is possible she does not remember all the details. But of course you have every right to ask, to put her on the spot, and to make her explain why it meant so little to her that she cannot remember.

And then you need to discuss whether or not the two of you apparently have very different ideas about what sex means and what fidelity in a marriage means.

A start might be why is she telling you this now?