to want to know more about OH's infidelity?

[MelBrookesMyHero]

I'm posting cos I just have to get this all off my chest somewhere, I don't have anyone else I can share it with, it's brewing up inside and I just need to vent. It's been 6 weeks since my OH of nearly 16 years confessed to having 3 (at least) ONS's in the past 5 years. She's sorry, so she says, but going about her life pretty much as normal, while I am just utterly dysfunctional, literally struggling to do the mundane but essential daily stuff. Beyond saying who and when I can't get any detail, I'm told it doesn't matter or she can't remember bullshit. It's driving me mad, quite literally circulating through my mind 24/7, is this what happens? Or is it just me? Is it unusual to want to know more?

AIBU to think she should share the details?

Why did she decide to tell you??? Does she want the relationship to end?

I think it's natural to want to know the details - as you mind tries to process the pain. It is unlikely that knowing more will help with how you feel - but her openness and desire to help you make sense is something that can show you that she is willing to work on the relationship.

Mind you - there are probably questions she will not be able to answer. She might not know why she acted that way - it often requires a level of self awareness that people generally lack.

What do YOU want to do? People do not always breakup after infidelity - many work through it, but it takes time and effort on both sides.

I think knowing the details will just cause more pain. However, I think your partner is completely invalidating your feelings by shutting you down any time you want to know more. It doesn’t sound like she is holding herself accountable or trying to talk things through with you. She has dropped this bombshell, and then left you with that while she carries on with life. That’s cruel!
I don’t know how you can ever move past this, especially with her lack of compassion or accountability in this. She cannot just draw a line and move on. And neither should you allow that.
Sadly it doesn’t sound like she loves or respects you, because you wouldn’t treat someone you love that way.
Sorry you’re going through this.
I don’t know what to suggest, because you mentioned your partner is a woman, I don’t know if you’re a man or woman but if your partner is the primary caregiver of the children, I know this is what makes it even harder for you. If you were the primary caregiver I would 100% say leave that selfish prick! But when you’re not the primary caregiver, I would never tell you to leave your children. So it’s hard. If that’s the situation you’re in, I’m very sorry. I hope she can wake up and do the work that’s needed to repair this heartbreak she’s caused you.

I totally get why people would say leave etc, but honestly, if it was that easy I'd just walk. Neither of us have got anywhere we can go and ATM the kids are unaware, the finances tight, and I still have feelings for her. Other than a meaningless 'sorry' I can't get anything from her, it's like it's no more than dropping a plate or scratching the car. Her routine is exactly as it was the day before she told me, whereas I've not slept, lost 9lb in weight, struggling to work (I work for myself). I can't tell a soul other than on here. She doesn't ask me if I'm okay, or if I want to talk. I had no idea at all. I'm now looking back at every moment thinking was it then, where was she, who with etc. Of what I know of two of the three (I'm pretty certain there must be more now but she's said three), they're polar opposites to me (macho wide boy types, one of them 11 years younger than me, the other an iron pumping, buzz cut bad boy), and I feel utterly humiliated and totally deceived. At least one occasion was in 'our' car, and another she brought back to our (old) house although she's adamant nothing happened on that occasion (though they did it at his place), which I now just find impossible to believe. I know I'm bleating on and I'm not the first or only person in the world this has happened to, but how on earth do people get over it, take the first step even? I just can't let the kids know, they adore her and she is a good parent, albeit she's not been great to me in this respect. Any help, practical advice, how to get my emotions together, from anyone who's been through this before (even as perpetrator), much appreciated.

I don't think you can get over it, it's not like she's done anything at all to make herself be a bare minimum good person. You know you can't trust her and her choices are not actions of a loving girlfriend.

You get to choose if you want more in life. Who owns the property?

Leave her.

I'm so sorry to need to say you should get yourself checked for STD's - she and her sexual partners sound rough as a badgers arse. I hope you get an all-clear but please get checked ASAP.

Sounds like you're going to stay with her - you know she'll cheat again don't you.

Did you have a previous thread about her? If it was you I think she works away, in which case you will drive yourself mad every time she is away wondering whether she's cheating again
I (luckily) haven't been cheated on but I know from reading lots of threads on here that if it is truly going to be worked through/out you need honesty and true remorse. She sadly doesn't care that you are in turmoil, she just wants you to forget about it so she can carry on doing what she wants.
Splitting up isn't easy but staying together will damage your DC because of the resentment between you two

Everything is in joint names.

Done all the STD tests etc.

Well she wants you to shut the fuck up and let her crack on with her duplicitous life.

Most people wouldn’t continue in a relationship in the circumstances you have described. Once the trust is gone, the relationship is over.

Is it possible she has a sex addiction? That's a lot of times to cheat, and she's possibly not told you of all the times she's cheated. I'm sorry this happened to you and that you're suffering. I remember when my husband was writing to other women, when I'd just had my baby and he was telling them I wouldn't have sex with him, and asking to meet up with them. I was devastated and felt so isolated, like I couldn't talk to anyone. Infidelity really hurts.

I'm so sorry OP. I know from personal experience how awful this is to live through, it absolutely consumes you - some people end up with PTSD after being cheated on, I honestly think it's the worst thing you can do to someone you love (or say you love).

It's completely normal to be wondering constantly what the details are, I think most people would. It turns reality on it's head, like your life is a lie and now you don't know what's real anymore. And it messes with all your happy memories, taints them and ruins them. You are only 6 weeks in, that is super raw. But I think knowing the details in many ways only tortures you more. Once you know you can never stop seeing it. It will eat you alive.

The fact that she is being so cavalier about this tells me she's isn't really sorry at all, and has zero comprehension of how much pain she has caused you. Which makes me think she's got very little conscience and has had an empathy bypass. It also makes me think she'd do it again.

To get through something like this as a couple the cheater has be genuinely and deeply remorseful - without that I honestly don't think you can ever move forward. You will always be sleeping with one eye open. You will never be able to trust her, and your life will be miserable. You deserve better than this. She should be begging for forgiveness and really soul searching why she has done this, working on your relationship and pulling out every stop to make you feel safe in the relationship. But she isn't. I'm so sorry. She isn't a good person.

Yeah this. What details are you looking for? Better off asking yourself why are you still with her, not only has she cheated on you multiple time but she's acting like nothing happened!

I'd want to know why confess now? What has changed?

Sex addiction? Don't create excuses for her. Nobody suggests sex addiction when the roles are reversed. She's a cheat plain and simple.

This occurred to me but I've dismissed it. If it was every week, or if she was on Tinder or something I would think it possible. But it's 3 times in 5 years so she says, so it think the 'thrill' or dare might be something but not an addiction. The more I learn/discover or work out, the worse it gets, but that doesn't stop me wanting the truth. I feel so bloody stupid for not seeing it. Her colleagues must know, her friends, some of who know me. The implausible excuses for not coming home I just believed, and even sympathised and waited on her as if she'd had some sort of terrible overnight experience. I don't want to be scrutinising her every move, now or in the past. But then I think when she was away on this date or that and didn't answer her phone or even let me know she was okay or just text to say goodnight...etc.

I know there's a lot more serious things going on in the world, and many many people with bigger issues and hardship than this. My mind's a tangled mess, I can't even get my head around leaving/separating. My family love her too, my parents, siblings. I can't begin to imagine what they'd think, and then the kids, what on earth would we tell them? They love their Mum, our home, our family life. I can't hold it in for ever and just keep taking to MN to vent.

I took a weekend out last weekend, booked into a hotel for thinking space but it was awful. Although she asked if I was okay, not once did she offer to discuss, or offer and reasoning or anything. It was like, "where's the car keys", "what did you have for your tea" etc.

I just don't know what to do or say, where to go.

Stop boiling your head about who she's slept with and concentrate on your out - because she'll do it again. Three times isnt a silly mistake, it's a pattern.

She's shown you who she is - believe her. Focus on getting your shit together and leaving / getting her out

I also question why she's suddenly confessed

Believe me I'm trying to get my shit together, I wish I could.

Re the confession, it came about when she'd been out, came home pretty drunk, tried to make love and asked if I'd ever kissed anyone else or been tempted, she said she had and when I pressed I realised that on a weekend before she must have at least got off with someone. She confessed but said initially it was only kissing. I pressed some more and she just said sorry. I stayed up all night and asked her how many times, and she told me 3 in 5 years.

Although she asked if I was okay, not once did she offer to discuss, or offer and reasoning or anything. It was like, "where's the car keys", "what did you have for your tea" etc.
I just don't know what to do or say, where to go.

I would say to her bluntly, 'No. I'm not ok. I'm trying to process the fact that you have been repeatedly unfaithful to me and whether I still wish to have any kind of relationship with you. I'm working through things in my head, but it's likely that we are done. You've fucked it. I'm trying to focus on the practicalities of who leaves, how we share 50/50 custody, etc. You've made no attempt to fix it and I assume, having told me, that it's something you'll do again'.

Then walk away. Leave her with that thought. Leave it that you are considering your future alone. And please take time to do so.

OP, I'll tell you how you get over it, but it's the same answer as you've already gotten about what to do. You leave and give yourself the peace you need to recover. Otherwise you will never regain that trust, especially considering she refuses to even make an effort and seems to be callously ignoring your pain, which is a solid indicator she'll do it again. You'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop the rest of your marriage.
It may be hard and you may still have feelings, but those feelings with dissipate when you have been away from her long enough. I know it isn't easy but trust me your life with a remorseless serial cheater will be harder. Take the time now to improve your financial situation if you can. You can still have your kids 50% of the time if you break up.

Btw, it's a safe bet she fucked that guy in the marital bed on that occasion. It's something remorseless cheaters get a thrill from doing. Sometimes they don't even change the sheets and get caught that way. Oh, the stories I've heard.
But you don't need to believe me about all this, just check out the thousands of posts in the archives of chumplady.com, which is probably the world's largest dataset on what living with a cheater is like, what life is like after leaving and the vile things cheaters do (like sex in the marital bed, and I've seen stories where they did it on the couch while the spouse was sleeping upstairs and even in the children's beds.) The folks there will help you, they're very experienced and empathetic.

As for what to tell the kids if you do decide to leave, do it in an age appropriate way. If they're little you can just say your feelings are so hurt by something she did that you can't forgive her. Don't lie to them, but they don't need to know the gory details. As the get older they may want to know more. It's up to you to decide to protect her from them knowing or not to, but even if you do, don't lie. Your kids have to be able to trust you. You could just say you'd rather not discuss it.

True sex addiction is quite rare and much more extreme than that. It would more likely be three times a day. That's how bad it is.
The pop-psych version of "sex addiction" is a con used to sell books, therapy and expensive therapeutic retreats for couples. There's no reliable evidence that any of it works.

Thanks for all the comments, even some of the ones that are a bit nasty looking, they\re all helpful in a way to understand common thinking about these things. I'm sorry for keeping coming back to MN, but I literally have no one I can tell or talk to about it so I am probably just venting or thinking out loud on here.

I just wonder will I ever get over the shock of it all, I feel in shock pretty much all of the time. The circumstances (which I'm just too embarrassed to share right now), I just find really shocking, particularly two of them. Quite aside from being unfaithful I just never imagined she had it in her.

To all appearances she's a middle class, well brought up, stable, educated professional, sociable, polite, likeable normal person. Kind, interesting, empathetic, compassionate, a terrific parent etc. I do still really love her for all of that among other attributes. But the circumstances of her infidelity are like complete Jekyll and Hyde. Seedy, devious, extreme, dangerous.

I now think the person I thought I knew all these years, I just don't know her.

I think back to good times in our relationship, shared experiences etc, but now they're all at least tinged, if not ruined by thinking what was she really up to, concealing or even just thinking about without revealing.

Yes there's a big part of me just wants to leave and break all ties, but I'm not convinced it'll stop me thinking about it obsessively like I am. And, at the moment at least, I just can't get my head around the practicalities. Added to that our eldest will be going into GCSE year and I can't imagine the effect on them.

For now, how do I cope with the shock?

Don’t apologise for posting, keep talking! You’re in survival mode right now but it won’t last forever. You will get through this. Google ‘Betrayal trauma’, it’s a very real thing and it helps to know that your feelings aren’t unique or abnormal.

Your whole life has been turned upside down. Your DW isn’t who you thought she was. That is an enormous head fuck. At some point you will have to decide whether you want to continue with the person she actually is, but you don’t need to make that huge decision right now. There’s no rush.

Self-care is such a wishy washy phrase, but that’s what you need, however that looks to you. Take yourself off somewhere if you need to, reach out to family and friends, sort out some counselling, and go easy on yourself.

You will go through the trauma cycle of constant obsessing, it is absolutely shit but it won’t last forever. Therapy will help you come to terms with it. Keep checking in here to let us know how you’re doing. I hope you start to feel better very soon.

The reason you should leave is not just that she deceived you, it's that her lack of genuine remorse, and sympathy for you over what she's done, show how little she cares about you and demonstrate what kind of person she is underneath her nice, civilised exterior. She's not going to turn into a better person or a more caring partner - her attitude since her revelations shows that very clearly. Staying for the children, or because you still have feelings for her, is going to end badly. You can't avoid the messy fallout from this, you would only be delaying the inevitable.