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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague suggested meeting up then ghosting me??

61 replies

BrickSnake · 28/06/2025 21:28

Should say ghosted me but it won't allow me to edit the title.
Don't really understand what goes through people's minds sometimes..

I only worked at a place for a few months and left as I was deeply unhappy there, in a job I much prefer now.
Left 3 months ago, whilst there I briefly chatted to a woman who seemed nice, I wouldn't say we became friends but we had a few friendly chats and I thought she was nice and interesting.
On my last day she messaged wishing me the best of luck. I didn't expect to hear from her again based on previous experience, but 2 weeks ago she messaged asking how my new job was.
I was happy to hear from her and this sort of thing doesn't happen often for me. We messaged a bit and then she said we should meet for coffee. Started to make plans then on the very last msg I sent my availability.

She didn't reply, I thought ok she's maybe forgot, it happens. So after a week of no response I sent a friendly msg asking if she still fancied that coffee and suggested one or two days I was free.

That was 9 days ago and the msg hasn't been 'read' but has been delivered.
I'm just thinking why get in touch in the first place?
I'm sure someone will be along to tell me she has anxiety, ADHD or autism or possibly a combination of the 3.
Maybe she does, however sometimes maybe people are just flaky and shitty. Any possible explanation?
Obviously I won't message her again and I'll just leave it. It's tough enough making friends as it is, has this happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
Lizzbear · 28/06/2025 21:38

It sounds odd op. Also odd that she hasn’t even read the last message.
i don’t think it will be anything you have done though. I’d be confused too!!

Original poster
BrickSnake · 28/06/2025 21:41

Lizzbear · 28/06/2025 21:38

It sounds odd op. Also odd that she hasn’t even read the last message.
i don’t think it will be anything you have done though. I’d be confused too!!

Thanks..she's probably read it on her phone but not actually opened the msg so the blue ticks don't come up to make it look like she hasn't seen it. I'm not daft!

I looked back through the msgs and don't think i said anything weird?
She's probably just decided that she can't be arsed or that I'm not that exciting or whatever.

OP posts:
Lizzbear · 28/06/2025 21:43

Oh dear! It’s a her problem. Try not to take it personally, but yes, it’s disappointing

CatRoleplayTycoon · 28/06/2025 21:46

I wouldn’t give it any thought, OP. Her shit is her shit. It’s possible something has happened in her life meaning she’s not keeping up with WhatsApps, or it was a token ‘Oh, we must have coffee’ that she didn’t expect you to accept. Either way, not your problem.

Original poster
BrickSnake · 28/06/2025 21:48

Thanks, I'll try to not give it any further thought. It didn't even sound like a generic 'oh we should meet up soon!' It was an invitation like 'Do you fancy going for a coffee?'

OP posts:
WanderingWisteria · 28/06/2025 21:50

Is she me?? She isn’t as, in my case, I’m the one who left the job but I am in this situation where I would love to meet a colleague, she has twice got in touch to suggest dates but I haven’t replied. In my case, I’m waiting for a couple of things involving the teen DC to be confirmed which I was expecting to hear about at the beginning of this week and it keeps being postponed. I keep thinking that I must reply but it tends to be when I’m driving & can’t do anything about it or at a time like now and it would be weird to message her at this time on a Saturday night.

Original poster
BrickSnake · 28/06/2025 21:54

How long has it been since you replied?
Could you not just get back in touch just to say you'll get back to her?

OP posts:
HarkerandBarker · 28/06/2025 21:59

I watched a YouTube video about this sort of thing. Apparently when people say 'we should meet up some time' they mean....don't call me. I'll call you! They think they're being polite in some way. She might have just got intouch to be nosey. Maybe to gossip with people at your old work place. Never pin your hopes on anyone until they come through for you especially if it was their idea. Although it is rude to not at least get back to you with an excuse. Like, I'm so sorry I'm busy for the rest of my life! 😂 don't take it to heart. Its so hard to find genuine people nowadays.

3KidsPlusDdog · 28/06/2025 21:59

Some people are just flaky.

I had a colleague like that once. I also wanted to be her friend Blush but gave up when I noticed that I wasn’t getting two blue ticks (she was online but wasn’t opening my messages) for several days. The weird thing was, it was usually her who initiated the texting or suggestion of meeting up. Maybe they do that when they’re bored.

Everylittlehelper · 28/06/2025 22:00

Have you considered she might want to follow you? She wants to change jobs? She’s wobbly at work? She wants to keep in touch to see if life is better now you’ve moved on?
You were deeply unhappy and she might be too.

Original poster
BrickSnake · 28/06/2025 22:01

Everylittlehelper · 28/06/2025 22:00

Have you considered she might want to follow you? She wants to change jobs? She’s wobbly at work? She wants to keep in touch to see if life is better now you’ve moved on?
You were deeply unhappy and she might be too.

Yeah, she's probably unhappy at the role which i can understand, but why ghost?

OP posts:
HarkerandBarker · 28/06/2025 22:04

Everylittlehelper · 28/06/2025 22:00

Have you considered she might want to follow you? She wants to change jobs? She’s wobbly at work? She wants to keep in touch to see if life is better now you’ve moved on?
You were deeply unhappy and she might be too.

If that was the case she could have just said. I think she's a nosey parker and not to be trusted. Don't put up from women what you wouldn't put up with from men.

Everylittlehelper · 28/06/2025 22:11

She might have ghosted because she’s unsure of what to do. In other words the contact was to use you.
@ Harker, why shouldn’t she be trusted? What does she have to gain? Maybe I’m naive here.

HarkerandBarker · 28/06/2025 22:11

3KidsPlusDdog · 28/06/2025 21:59

Some people are just flaky.

I had a colleague like that once. I also wanted to be her friend Blush but gave up when I noticed that I wasn’t getting two blue ticks (she was online but wasn’t opening my messages) for several days. The weird thing was, it was usually her who initiated the texting or suggestion of meeting up. Maybe they do that when they’re bored.

Edited

One of best uni friends for over 30 years, got in touch after 7years of us not talking. We bottomed a few things out but she only really came back for closure. She thought she'd stopped talking to me first! Anyway......I text her and she wouldn't hurry to get back to me. Next time we spoke she tried to justify it by saying, that's what I'm like with everyone. If it's an emergency I'll get back to you asap otherwise within three days. I said if it's an emergency I can call 999! You know the ending 🤣

Original poster
BrickSnake · 28/06/2025 22:14

Everylittlehelper · 28/06/2025 22:11

She might have ghosted because she’s unsure of what to do. In other words the contact was to use you.
@ Harker, why shouldn’t she be trusted? What does she have to gain? Maybe I’m naive here.

Edited

Not sure I understand? If she doesn't like her job there's nothing I can do, she can quit. Just don't understand the link with her inviting me for a coffee then ghosting?

OP posts:
SheridansPortSalut · 28/06/2025 22:14

You don't know her very well. You have no idea what's going on her life. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

Original poster
BrickSnake · 28/06/2025 22:16

She has no idea what's going on in mine either. Just tired of it being used as an excuse for shitty behaviour. In the unlikely event that something terrible has suddenly happened then I take back my words and apologise, but likely it's not the case.

OP posts:
HarkerandBarker · 28/06/2025 22:18

Everylittlehelper · 28/06/2025 22:11

She might have ghosted because she’s unsure of what to do. In other words the contact was to use you.
@ Harker, why shouldn’t she be trusted? What does she have to gain? Maybe I’m naive here.

Edited

People just love being nosey. Maybe she thought that she'd learn something that would make her feel better about herself and she could go back to the office and feel important because she knew something that nobody else knows to be popular.. I absolutely know work culture and they are not true friends. Even if you got on at work. It's a conflict of interest. Rarely lasts as a friendship. Trust your gut instincts. If it doesn't feel right. It's not.

Everylittlehelper · 28/06/2025 22:19

I’m suggesting she has considered asking you - over coffee - where you looked for other jobs, interview technique, expected salary. She’s not sure whether to stay where she is or jump ship.
I see your point Harker.

Sweetbeansandmochi · 28/06/2025 22:20

I was going to say exactly what the poster above me. She was being nosey. If you had said everything was going terribly- as a misery vampire she would have loved to meet up with you. Because stuff is going well she lost interest straight away.

HarkerandBarker · 28/06/2025 22:21

BrickSnake · 28/06/2025 22:16

She has no idea what's going on in mine either. Just tired of it being used as an excuse for shitty behaviour. In the unlikely event that something terrible has suddenly happened then I take back my words and apologise, but likely it's not the case.

I think people giving the benefit of doubt is just making excuses for them. You're right. She's a shitty person. Don't let her live rent free in your head for another moment. Gut instincts never lie.

HarkerandBarker · 28/06/2025 22:22

Sweetbeansandmochi · 28/06/2025 22:20

I was going to say exactly what the poster above me. She was being nosey. If you had said everything was going terribly- as a misery vampire she would have loved to meet up with you. Because stuff is going well she lost interest straight away.

Absolutely 💯 you said it better than me :-)

Original poster
BrickSnake · 28/06/2025 22:27

If she genuinely did message me just to be nosey then I don't want to see her anyway. You just never know with people.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 28/06/2025 22:30

Maybe something dire has happened that is taking up all her head space. It happens sometimes. But I don’t think it happens frequently enough to account for the many, many posts like yours.

People come on these threads to say they have been the ghoster because they are so busy, sometimes typing out paragraphs. So they have time to share that information with a load of strangers but don’t have time to text a friend. 🙄

People make time for the things they are invested in. If they don’t have time to reply to friends during the week, they make time to check for any forgotten texts at the weekend and reply. Otherwise busy people would have no friends at all.

I can see why you’re annoyed as the way she phrased suggesting coffee did seem she was invested in maintaining a friendship with you. You may have fallen foul of what often happens to ex work friends - a combination of out of sight, out of mind plus realising that there is little common ground once you don’t work together.

She might come back to you at some point with a valid reason for her silence but, for now, put it out of your mind.

HarkerandBarker · 28/06/2025 22:33

BrickSnake · 28/06/2025 22:27

If she genuinely did message me just to be nosey then I don't want to see her anyway. You just never know with people.

Well we don't actually know that but the fact she left you feeling like this is enough to never talk to her again. You're trying to take some responsibility for her bad behaviour. At least you are self aware but she's not. Who needs friends like that!