Hate feeling shepherded

[GauntJudy]

Whenever I have plans with a particular friend I feel really irritated when on the day of the plan she'll message to say she's "looking forward to the plan and will see me at x o'clock"

It's the feeling of being shepherded that irritates me. We made the plan yesterday, if it changed, or if I was ill, I'd have messaged her. I'm reliable and have never flaked out or forgotten a plan.

Admittedly this is mild irritation! I think it's the predictability of the message that irks me too, like I can picture her thinking "ooh I'd better message Gaunt now about today".

I always just ignore the message!

It's not about you, it's about her. She either has other friends or family who do sometimes forget and need a gentle reminding or she needs this for herself. I get brain fog and can easily get muddled if I have several dates/places to be over a week so if my last message is about place and time it stops me wasting time scrolling and re-reading and getting muddled again. Or she might think she's being helpful, especially if she's a busy mum or works as a PA/secretary.

If it annoys you then ask her why, she might be very surprised to learn it bugs you this much.

I think it’s nice.

I have a sister like this. She can't help trying to micromanage me and, to some extent, her friends. I think it is because she is anxious and controlling other people makes her less so but pretty sure she wouldn't see it that way. It is hugely irritating.

Yep. I have a weekly date with 2 friends. The time of me picking each of them up does not vary. The dates continue to happen even if there is only one of them so holidays have minimal impact. If i do not message to confirm the time of pick up i can guarantee that one of them will message me in a panic to check its still going ahead even though i will have confirmed it verbally with them .

Micromanaging is a better phrase than shepherding @mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork. That's how it feels!

I used to think that if a plan had been made then there was no need for further contact and I would just show up at the place and time agreed, but this doesn't appear to be the case for a lot of folks. I don't feel shepherded when someone checks in with me, and when I do it is only because I think it's expected, though I do like the term!

Thinking about it, it is linked to controlling characteristics, like I sat beside her at a kids party and during the party tea she was constantly telling her perfectly capable 10yo to have a drink, eat a nugget etc. It must be exhausting.

Could this be the real source of your irritation? (That must drive her DC mad!) With the messaging, that just sounds like confirming plans to me and it wouldn't irk me personally unless the message also contained bossy 'instructions' or the like. I sometimes do this before a meetup with friends and it's partly to check they're still OK for it. If she's bossy in general it would grind my gears though.

I do this with everyone because a surprisingly large number if people then text back sayii is by oh no I forgot!

Maybe she is just genuinely looking forward to seeing you. How arrogant of you not to reply- it takes 2 seconds to reply me too x

Yeah maybe the crux of the irritation is I just want her to chill and let herself be herself ifsyim, step back from managing everyone and enjoy her life.

I'm.probably triggered by my lovely but neurotic mum who would ring taxi companies to check where the driver was, 5 minutes before her booking was due!

I said I was looking forward to it last night when we were firming up plans. 14 hours later... yes I'm still looking forward to it, but that's waned cos of the pointless message! I figure not replying might give a hint that this type of message isn't for me.

That's what I suspect, it's done to check I haven't forgotten. Not necessary thanks.

I hate it too OP. For me, it feels like increased responsibility to Have The Best Time Ever when we’re just meeting for a drink down the pub or some such. Too much pressure and a) takes the shine off for me and b) makes me need a nap.

You’re being rude and weird.

🙄

Agree. To describe a friendly pre-meeting message as shepherding or micromanaging, is ridiculous.

ETA: in a world of misery and stress, OP, you seriously are making this an issue?

I agree 👌🏻👌🏻

Welcome to mumsnet where we share minor things that annoy us and debate best crisp flavours. Maybe you should start a thread asking people to only discuss major current affairs? Best of luck.

I don't mind being rude or weird tbh.

No thanks. Minor irritations, that are of my own making, I tend to keep to myself.

Well just tell her that then, face to face when you see her.

And yet here you are posting, shouldn't you be solving world hunger?

Don't post in AIBU, if you don't like the answer.

I cannot fucking bear people ringing me to ask me if I am still going to do what I have agreed to do. This also goes for the texts “Oh I am so looking forward to tomorrow.”

I read on here it’s called confirmation overload. Drives me fucking mad.