Hate feeling shepherded

[GauntJudy]

Whenever I have plans with a particular friend I feel really irritated when on the day of the plan she'll message to say she's "looking forward to the plan and will see me at x o'clock"

It's the feeling of being shepherded that irritates me. We made the plan yesterday, if it changed, or if I was ill, I'd have messaged her. I'm reliable and have never flaked out or forgotten a plan.

Admittedly this is mild irritation! I think it's the predictability of the message that irks me too, like I can picture her thinking "ooh I'd better message Gaunt now about today".

I always just ignore the message!

Why don’t you sent it to her first next time? See how she reacts.

I have a friend like this, she is a very anxious person and expects the worst, so she feels she has to keep checking things. I understand so it doesn't bother me.
What does annoy me is if we go somewhere and someone tells us something, she has to repeat it to me.

I told her she doesn't need to but sometimes she just mutters it quietly like she can't help herself. I think she worries that I won't understand!

I've got a friend like that. If she irritates me, I just tell her. People don't seem capable of talking to each other.

I do this
But that's because I have flaky friends ,who have left me sat there and not remembered they were meeting me
Which I find quite upsetting
So now I remind anyone I'm meeting,if they don't reply to the text I assume the coffee is off

I just say something like Yes I heard, or Yes I know, I was here when he told us.
She gets the message. It's more that she can't help it. She always thinks something will go wrong. It must be awful to be so uptight.

Yes so do I. 😉

Too many people are flaky nowadays so it’s not something i would even think to be offended about. In fact if I am meeting someone I do send a similar message. Sometimes it’s a thank you I forgot, or what time are we meeting again.

I’ve had enough experience of flaky people who never reply to messages or show up half an hour late to things to understand why some people do this.
I’m not saying this is you OP! But perhaps she’s just had bad experiences in the past. Or maybe she suffers from anxiety or, in a weird way, it might be related to low self esteem if you think about it. Like she feels that plans with her can’t possibly be important enough or significant enough and looked-forward-to enough for you to just remember and not need a reminder.
In short, it’s about her and although it might feel controlling it’s not anything you need to get annoyed about. And please don’t be mean and ignore her. You do know this will probably fuel the behaviour?

I kind of get this if plans were made a while back it seems a bit overkill if you only just arranged it. However, I'd just reply with a thumbs up.

With so many flaky people around I think it would be nice to have someone so reliable and putting so much effort into making things happen

Can see why so many in this forum struggle making friends.

She may be an anxious person. She may be excited.
Just text thumbs to back. So not a big deal

I have been the person that does this (and occasionally still am!) I tend to do it with people who have let me down previously or I don’t know very well.
I do find people who constantly confirm a little annoying, I have a friend who will start ‘confirming details’ for something a week in advance, especially if it’s to do with food (shopping for bbq for example). The fact I haven’t menu planned and booked an online shop delivery by Monday if bbq is on Saturday seems to cause her massive stress, no idea why!

Since Covid I don’t expect anyone to do anything they’ve agreed to. At least half the time, if I send a message along the lines of “are we still on for lunch tomorrow?”, I get a cancellation. Now I’m wondering if it’s because of sending that message, but only send them because people don’t turn up.

You might be a unicorn op - the last dependable, reliable person on earth.

Why is op so passive aggressive ?! She asked a question , we engaged , now she's complaining ....?! What did you expect ?! No one to answer you ? If you don't want answers don't post on a public forum.

I do this because I have been let down, also because it works.

This exactly. I don’t understand what the big deal is, it’ll take you 2 secs to reply with a quick thumbs up.

I don’t find this controlling at all, just be a good friend and give her the reassurance as she must need it.

I feel completely the same OP although long experience has taught me I'm in the minority. I feel hassled and controlled when people chase me to confirm agreements or ask me where I want to meet weeks before a meeting etc. It makes me feel really stifled.

I have one friend who micro-manages things like this and it really stresses me out. We're meeting Tuesday week for drinks after work (it's been planned for over a month) and she was messaging me last Friday (ten days before we meet) asking me when I thought I was going to arrive, whether I would be taking the tube in to the meeting, whether I'd like to share a bottle etc etc. It just feels too much and it honestly made me want to drop the whole thing.

But I know some people like to have everything mapped out to the nth degree and don't feel comfortable with any serendipity whereas others like more flexibility. It's just different communication styles. Neither is wrong or right but you have to compromise a bit.

I’m grateful for last minute reminders, have been saved from completely missing a couple of meet ups by friend messaging early morning.

In itself, this seems harmless, and it won’t be about you.

If it’s part of a general tendency to micromanage then address the bits that really are out of line

It’ll be a routine she does with everyone, she doesn’t think you’ve forgotten, she just knows people do, so this is her habit.

If this is the only thing you have going on to complain about, you are winning at life. Do you ever read the countless threads on here about poor and flakey friends. Think yourself lucky you have someone who enjoys spending time with you.

I think checking in advance is ok. So many people are flakes and will have changed their mind/had a better offer but couldn't be arsed to let you know, had forgotten or need to change the time because they've realised they need to draw cash out or drop kids somewhere first ... It sounds like you're not one of those types but your friend may just check all social arrangements as a matter of course and I think that's fine.

However, if the micromanaging extends throughout the social interactions (it sounds from your update that they do) then that's a bit irritating. My adult son "agitates" constantly and never seems to be in the moment. As soon as we get somewhere it's what time are we having lunch, where are we going for lunch, will they have tables left by 1pm. Then when we've sat down he's instantly planning best/quickest route to the next thing, then when we're heading there he's banging on about train times home. He is on the spectrum so I try and be patient but I'm just thinking FFS just RELAX a bit!

I always do this . See you at 3 at the Park tomorrow. Look forward to it .
It is polite I thought!

It is by no means an attempt to control!

It is almost confirming I am coming .

Often people say - great.
or - I am really sorry but I forgot !!!

But then you get irked when someone does something you perceive as rude and/or weird?