Hate feeling shepherded

[GauntJudy]

Whenever I have plans with a particular friend I feel really irritated when on the day of the plan she'll message to say she's "looking forward to the plan and will see me at x o'clock"

It's the feeling of being shepherded that irritates me. We made the plan yesterday, if it changed, or if I was ill, I'd have messaged her. I'm reliable and have never flaked out or forgotten a plan.

Admittedly this is mild irritation! I think it's the predictability of the message that irks me too, like I can picture her thinking "ooh I'd better message Gaunt now about today".

I always just ignore the message!

I think she’s actually confirming that she hasn’t forgotten, not sending you a reminder so you don’t forget. I would interpret it as her wanting you to know that she’s planning to show up and not flake out.

I don't mind the answers, naturally some people will disagree and others agree. I just think it's ludicrous to say that a minor irritation can't be discussed cos of world issues. Its such a dull and worthy mindset.

But that's you micromanaging how she has to be...

The difference being I've thought it but not actually managed her. I'd be fine if she thought "I'm looking forward to our trip and hope Gaunt doesn't totally forget our plans" and then skipped the messaging bit!

It sounds like a normal, sensible way of conducting one's social life. Just one last check that the other person hasn't forgotten and is still able to make the date; and an opportunity for them to say "well, actually...." if anything has changed.

😆 🤣 😂 forced to have the best time ever. If I were either of your friends, I would dump you for less anally retentive ones.

So why don't people just have a face to face conversation with other people about things like this?

I think she's probably anxious about it. Or is double checking the details for herself to make sure she got it right.
I never used to double check arrangements but with mobile phones its very easy to send a quick text.
I guess if it's a flaky friend(which you are clearly not) or the arrangement was made a couple of months ago it's perfectly reasonable to check. If you only saw each other a couple of days ago or it's a regular weekly thing then you don't need to.
But your irritation is because of your experiences with an anxious mum, and her over checking might also be a response to something similar.
Just text back a thumbs up takes a second. Live and let live.
Im pretty sure she isn't trying to control you!

All the time we could save with technology we waste now repeating and reconfirming . Drives me potty having grown up pre mobiles. It’s so draining. Just set a time and bloody stick to it!

I’d have already withdrawn from the friendship due to your extreme neediness, so win-win for us both.

Extreme neediness 🙄 How is saying I am looking forward to seeing you later, extreme neediness? Some people really are weird on here

Strange…my friends and I all do this. But we are all big on dropping out at the last minute. The couple of times I didn’t text to confirm I was stood up and ended up going home. So I like when my friends confirm plans.

I’d just message back “ha ha, so am I, the same way I was when we confirmed timings 12 hours ago 😉” and see if she gets the hint!

I would be irritated too. It’s because you know it’s inauthentic. It’s not really friendly, it’s her needing to be in control of her day and this predictable message is a window into her disingenuous mind.
it would wind me up and I’d see less of her.

Agree.
I get things like this might bother ioubif it reminds you of your mum and you found her difficult but it's not your friends fault.

a window into her disingenuous mind.

Jeez, talk about seeing the worst in people!

@GauntJudy personally, I’d like it lol but that’s because I’m a worrier and don’t have many friends so if that person forgets then that my one social event for the year gone 😅. That said, I can understand if your nerves have already been stretched it’s a bit much to be messaged this way. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s anyway around this since it’s more about you than her since in itself a reminder is generally a good and reassuring thing!

I agree, I would find it annoying because

1. You already confirmed last night
2. You are always reliable and punctual, not flaky
3. It sounds like an automatic confirmation text from the dentist or hairdresser - “We look forward to seeing you for your appointment at 11:00. If you cannot attend please phone to let us know as soon as possible.”

I don’t think you’re weird or rude at all.

Those who disagreed with you probably would have answered differently if they’d known you already confirmed with her late last night.

Yeah then she’ll probably end up starting one of those threads: ‘my friend ghosted me and I don’t know why’ 😂

I know. I don't get it either.
Loads of people I know drop a quick text before we meet, I find it neither needy nor controlling.

Or she'll read this thread and drop the op for being a bloody weirdo.

It’s clearly not about you, she either has other more flakey friends and has found it’s better not to assume they will remember, or it’s a control thing.
Either way just talk to her “Hey friend why the reminder about our meeting when we only organised it yesterday?”. I am sure if you say you don’t want reminding, she will stop doing it.

Great name BTW. I'm a bit jealous. I love Little My.

If you consider somebody telling you they are looking forward to seeing you, as needy, I can only imagine how stuffy the actual meet up is.

I think you are being unreasonable to be ‘really irritated’ but I think it’s because you are taking it as a criticism. I not at all flakey but I wouldn’t mind getting a message like that. It’s as much her confirming she is ok to go that her checking that you are ok to go. It’s a pretty standard type of message to send.