Please hear me out, I really need to know if I’m a monster!!
I have 3 children (DS 14, DS 10, DD 8) with my ex, and he is with a new partner with 1 child (6 years old).
My daughter’s Dad was due to go away with his new partner in September to meet their friends abroad. However, his partner couldn’t get her ex to look after her daughter for 2 nights, so when we were swapping over one day he told me they were bringing her daughter with them instead (he also mentioned how this was annoying and an inconvenience as it’s an adults trip). I was surprised that they’d take her daughter out of school, the first week back, instead of rearrange their trip.
Shortly after this, he suggests that our daughter comes along too and references her keeping the other child company. My daughter has been desperate for a holiday with him after her Dad, his new partner and her daughter went abroad in the summer, and she got very jealous (especially after he video called her and showed the pool / games room - she burst into tears after that call)
I said I wasn’t sure this was a good idea because of:
a) it’s the first week of Year 5
b) her brothers aren’t invited and would they be ok
c) our schedules would mean I don’t see her for 3 weeks
I explained my concerns but he had already told my daughter about the trip and sold her the dream about hiking Italian mountains, climbing, etc. His partner also showed her videos of all the things she could do there. He told me I’d be adding to her jealousy (as another holiday would happen with the step sibling without her) if I stopped her going. She was obviously set on going. I was furious when she came back and said ‘Daddy says you haven’t said yes to Italy yet’, it was totally unfair to put her and I in that position.
They are driving to Italy in their camper so there’s no flight/accommodation cost, and the dates are only set to be the ones they have because they are meeting friends (friends have no kids). I suggested they change the date to the week before (last week of summer hols) so all 3 kids could come, plus it’s his week with the kids. He wouldn’t change it because that wouldn’t align with his friends.
In the end I was backed into a corner but didn’t feel comfortable at all. I said I’d agree because I didn’t want to let her down but going forwards we’d need boundaries and decisions like this shouldn’t be made without me. I asked for mediation for a parenting plan, and he said no.
BUT, then two days later I found out the law had changed for term time holidays, that we’d both be fined, and it would mean any further trips with her brothers would warrant an increased fine / court action. I raised this within and he dismissed it, said I should do what I want and he should too, and any increase fines / court action are what they are. On top of everything else, this then tipped me over and I wasn’t comfortable with this at all, back tracked, and explained I wouldn’t support it. I have suggested neither of us take them out in term time so it’s fair. I have also explained to my daughter the legal implications and whilst she was upset, she understands. I felt like I had to tell her before she continued to get her hopes up, but perhaps I shouldn’t have done, I just didn’t want her to be getting excited about something I was felt I had to stop.
Once I told him I was not going to support it, he called me emotionally abusive, said I’m being controlling, that she has picked out clothes, and that I’m a horrible person and she will hate me. He said he will take me to court and blocked me. I really just don’t feel comfortable with it, but it seems if I have an opinion or disagree I’m a monster. I do feel like because I’ve done this he will try to turn her against me though.
There is much more to our coparent relationship and various problems, but I won’t bring that into this as I really want a neutral opinion on this and whether I’m being unfair.
Also one more thing - he has taken them on numerous holidays in the past (in the holidays) and I’ve always loved that they go with him, this is the first time in 5 years that I’ve ever disagreed on something like this.
If you’ve got to the end, please can someone advise if I’m in the wrong? Will court approve this? Will my daughter hate me?
I’ve tried to make the best decision with the facts I have, it’s so hard to know sometimes, but I’m open to being told I’m wrong. I really do just want to get it right by the kids, so please be honest!