To be fed up of fighting my hair?

[Vegwoes]

So I have very wavy hair that seems to be porous by nature and fine. I like the colour (natural) and length (bra strap) and it is in good condition.
But!
It is so so sooo much hard work.

We live in a soft/moderately soft water area, yet when we travel further north to visit family and friends my hair instantly changes almost overnight. It becomes softer, shinier and forms lovely waves. My washing methods and products do not change, so it is clearly not those causing the issue.

1 week back at home and it is like a brillo pad in texture.

We have tried a shower filter, I have tried washing with bottled water, distilled water, to recreate whatever was going on further north, but nothing works. We have an expensive air con unit, a de-humidifier, the whole bloody thing. The house is well ventilated and I can't locate any immediate stressors.

No curly or wavy 'method' makes a difference, I am l loathe to spend any more money on endless new fangled wonder products that never actually do anything. Every time I research this online people insist on you buying more products or gadgets, that you are 'doing it wrong' but I am just weary as f at this point.
I have been trying to make the best of my natural hair for many years.
I suppose I am writing this because I have realised there is a kind of subtle pressure to embrace our natural hair. You have no idea what I have spent in this quest! I am coming to the conclusion that it can be more stressful than good! So I am wondering if anyone else ever just quit fighting it and went back to straightening for an easy life?

I am on that verge, lol.

Also try one of these combs , they are about 99p from hair / beauty shops

Just in case you want product recommendations Shea moisture milk (in boots, orange label) really really helped my wavy hair, and oils too. For heat protector Toni and guy or tres semme (but I do get this isn’t what you’re asking).

I feel you. I just moved from Sheffield to Hertfordshire and my hair is frizzy and dull. It was immediate! I've bought a water softener and whole house filter from East Midlands Water (not just for hair but because I have eczema). Will report back if it helps.

Oh god I hear you OP. If I see one more fecking advert for fecking Merwave I won’t be responsible for the consequences. And the woman in the ads has horrible greasy roots even when she’s just plopped and squished and scrunched out the crunch from all the unnecessary products on her freshly washed (but not clean) hair.

Like others above, I’ve found that the only thing that helps me is strong-hold gel (I use a gel spray immediately after washing and just leave it to air dry). It does mean more frequent washing though, as my hair only looks good on wash day and goes insane overnight while I sleep. Or I use my GHDs followed by hairspray, which can buy me 3 days between washes if I’m really really lucky.

It is SUCH a faff.

See, anything with shea or coconut makes my hair go craaaazy. It causes loads of frizz and makes it somehow greasy yet wiry and bushy

Silicones are pretty much the only thing that makes it go soft and silky and all point in the same direction

I feel your pain my friend. This time of the year is the worse for this type of hair. A few years back I went and had the straightening treatment and it was blissful. Groupon often has offers for that. You do need to keep getting it redone but I went quite a long time in between. After about 5 years I let it grow out and embraced the curls again - it’s such a lot of work 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think they suit me better than straight hair but I still think wistfully about those easy hair years 🤣

Yes, this is why I straighten mine. My natural wave is nicer if I am willing to spend forever styling it, which I'm not. A brazilian blow dry every so often and I can let it do its own thing without looking like a crow's nest.

I have the same hair as you but live in a hard water area. I only wash my hair a couple of times a week and just scrunch some water through the rest of the time if needed. I use Aussie moist shampoo and conditioner and then Boots curl cream (big pink tub about £2). I have used the curl cream for years and it is the best thing for defining curls and fighting frizz. I also have long layers cut through my hair as it gives it a more polished look as it can be dry and clumpy if left to its own devices.

Find an understanding hairdresser.
My hair used to look exactly like your 2nd photo if I washed & brushed it and left it to dry. I've always lived in a hard water area. I eventually found an experienced and understanding hairdresser who gave me a just-below-shoulder cut with a little bit of layering, specifically to work with my curl, and found me some moisture creme that works on my hair based on what I like/dislike. Once the weight was off, the curls bounced up and are a lot more defined. I brush wash, put the gunk on, scrunch for less than a minute (no heat or brush) and I'm done; the curls form as it dries. That woman is a miracle worker.

I live in Scotland and my hair is still frizzy insanity when I leave it to dry naturally. It only seems to behave itself when I’m somewhere with low humidity. I was completely frying it with straighteners trying to make it look less ridiculous.

It won’t help if you want to dry your hair naturally and have it be wavy but I reluctantly bought a Dyson airstraight in desperation as my hair was so awful and damaged. My hair is now in much better condition and usually looks and stays naturally straight when I have used it. Might be an option if you want to try something different although do some research first to see if it would suit you as they are very expensive!

You need gel like the pp suggested.

Try a sulphate free shampoo and conditioner? Sodium laureth sulphate is a lathering agent present in most shampoos and shower products. It is drying and strips colour from colour treated hair. I have very thick, slightly dry hair, I use Ogx coconut milk shampoo and conditioner and my hair is so much better.

I'm middle aged with very similar hair to you (and in a hard water area), and for the first time in my life I have posh-girl hair!
I've started using the salon shampoo & conditioner my hairdresser recommended and stopped tying my hair up ever as it damages it quite badly. I also changed my pillow cases for fancy bamboo ones (I don't like silk).
The difference is amazing (I appreciate you said you don't want to buy more products, sorry).

I’ve given up with mine. It is high porosity and naturally wavy, I spent 3 years following the “wavy” hair method and some days it looked gorgeous and other days like I’d been dragged through a hedge. I tried gel, mousse, leave in conditioners, I used silicone free shampoo and conditioners. It seemed to dry into ringlets at the front and very flat at the back. Eventually I gave up and now just blow dry it and straighten every day!

You said you have an expensive air conditioner and dehumidifier at home, so if your hair is less Brillo like elsewhere and the water you wash it with appears to be the same, maybe your home environment is drying it out. Maybe a humidifier rather than a de-humidifier might help?

my own hair is so flat, straight, fine AND thin that there’s no help for me, so take my advice with a pinch of salt…

Soft water doesn't mean soft hair.

Soft water is just more acidic.

Hard water contains more mineral deposits that can sometimes tame (weigh down) flyaway hair.

I have no solution but I feel your pain.

At home in England, my hair is straight, thick (lots of it but fine), silky, shiny and bouncy but the moment I go to spain, Italy or France, it sticks to my head and looks greasy and like I only have about four hairs.

I just straighten the fuck out of mine. Probably damages it, probably in worse condition underneath, but takes ten mins and makes it smooth nice and manageable until the next wash when it’s horrible until I straighten it again.

my hair looks far more damaged left alone than gently straightened.

no product or expensive device helps, as mentioned in my op,

Interesting how different locations can alter our hair so much, too - I would absolutely love to hear more science on this as opposed to products. It can't just be humidity as I have experienced that in the places where my hair is nice.

I have tried all of the products. There is no overpriced serum or treatment that will finally make everything ok. It doesn't exist, and it has led to an oversaturated 'curly' industry' that likely does more harm than good at this point. I am all too familiar with the breathless anticipation of 'so hoping this is the one that will work!!!'.
IT NEVER DOES.
And if it does seem to work, it loses it's effect within 4 washes.
It is a money pit.
Dyson are a pointless money pit. I think they are having a jolly good laugh at us.

Lol, I am not very useful for 'mumsnet marketing', but it's all true.

There is either a healthy and inexpensive way to adapt to our hair, or we can take the path of least resistance and do what's better for an easy life.

There are no 'naturally curly' awards, and we won't get a trophy for putting up with it at the end of our days, either. I am happy to see more people embracing it, but it's not for everyone.

There is a strange, almost monolithic cult that has grown up around curly consumerism - on another website I was repeatedly asked if I had ever thought of using a leave-in conditioner.
Just.....Oh my days!! Why didn't I ever think of that!!

The only thing that solved my hair problem was a keratin treatment. I also don't wash my hair more than once every two weeks or so. It's very dry so only looks slightly oily (which I welcome) after maybe 10 days.

I have the same issue and it’s just occurred to me that maybe it’s a DNA thing, i.e. it’s the Scottish in us from our ancestors, and the hair reacts better in its natural climate ?! Silly I know, but I can’t find a sensible answer either ! I travelled to Dundee from the south of the country and when I washed my hair there it was the softest ever !
I still straighten mine too as it feels neater and more controlled (until I hit humidity, wind or moisture outside !). I used to have Brazilian blow dry treatments to smooth but they were expensive, time consuming and I couldn’t get any body in my fine hair. No happy medium it seems !
I've tried all the lotions and potions and although some help to a degree, nothing resolves it. I do find using quality products like Kerastase helps though, and a tiny bit of Bumble & Bumble ‘Invisible Oil’ to smooth. I know that fine hair needs lighter products, despite the overwhelming urge to over condition with rich masks, etc.
New Wash by Hair Story is good, although I still didn’t quite get the visible results I’d hoped for.
Merwave products were also recommended to me, for wavy hair specifically (not curly). Sadly I gave up after one wash as I can’t get to grips with shampoos that don’t foam much, my hair never feels as clean after. Having said that, results come with continued use and I do believe these products work so I should definitely bite the bullet and persist !
I will be following this thread keenly to see if anyone can provide the miracle solution !

I’m sorry for all of you having so many problems, but I’m sitting with a wry smile because I have spent my whole life trying to get my hair to curl or even wave. Mine is poker straight, no volume, dead flat. Nothing helps give it volume, and I can sleep with curlers in and within ten minutes of taking them out it’s flat to my head again. There’s just no pleasing us, eh?

My hair is like that too. I know you say you have tried everything but the only things that I find help with mine are Hair Food or Wonder Water.
But generally if it to dry naturally it just looks a mess whatever I use. So I either use a straightening brush or I twist it up with a hair clip while still damp and take it down when dry

Look for salons that do Kerasilk hair smoothing treatment. I’ve had it three times. It’s not caustic, like the old hair straightening treatments used to be. It’s a game changer!