To think co-parenting is often just damage control for a bad decision?

[ThisSharpJadeDreamer]

“We’re putting the child first” usually means “we’re trying to minimise the fallout.”

Well, most parenting is co-parenting, surely, unless you had a child solo via a donor, were widowed, or your child has a completely uninvolved non-resident other parent?

Or do you mean something entirely different and aren't being clear?

Well yes there is a huge element of minimising the fallout. What's your point though?

I meant co-parenting in the post-separation sense - when a relationship ends but the parents still have to coordinate around the child. I’m not talking about married or together couples parenting jointly. More about how “we’re co-parenting well” is often code for trying to manage the aftermath of a relationship that didn’t work out.

That’s exactly my point, that a lot of the praise for “great co-parenting” is really praise for salvaging a tough situation. I’m not criticising the effort (it’s often necessary and admirable) but I do think we sometimes romanticise it without naming the fact that it’s damage control.

I don't think it's code for anything other than 'the romantic/sexual/marital relationship is over, but obviously our responsibilities as parents aren't'? I admire people who manage to set aside the bitterness and complex feelings that can result from the end of a marriage and still parent effectively.

I genuinely don't think anyone thinks otherwise.

I've never heard any romanticise it 😂 I'm absolutely dreading it as my husband has fucked off with another woman, I'm managing the fall out while he's turning up occasionally to join in family life and the disappear back to his second 20s!

I don't understand what you mean, should a divorced/separated couple say 'ah we've fucked it, just give up and give them heroin now?'

Of course they are salvaging a bad situation and minimising the fall out. What else should they do?

Surely all parenting after a break up is managing the aftermath of a relationship that didn't work out. What's your point? What is the bad decision? Getting together? Most people in a position to co-parent well wouldn't prefer to have never had the relationship or kids, so it isn't a bad decision.

Of course it is, but that’s a good thing, not a bad thing. Two parents trying to do the best for their children once separated is much better than (a) two miserable parents trapped in an unhappy marriage staying together “for the sake of the children” who then grow up in an environment of unhappiness, anger, etc; or (b) parents splitting up and one parent basically bowing out of parenting and leaving the other to bring the kids up.

What 'bad decision' are you referring to? The decision to have a relationship and children or the decision to end that relationship?

Who is it you spend your time with? I don't know anyone who romanticises relationship breakdown with children. DH and I don't sit on the sofa and dream about one day co-parenting. Kids aren't being raised to think the happiest place for a child is between two houses.

I meant co-parenting in the post-separation sense - when a relationship ends but the parents still have to coordinate around the child.

Well they need to coordinate around the child because they have joint rights and responsibilities to that child. And being able to manage that without anger, bitterness or competition is important for the wellbeing of that child.

I'm another poster who's confused about what you're actually trying to get at. I don't think anyone disputes the fact that parents splitting up is going to be hard on the kids? Are you trying to say people should stay together 'for the sake of the kids'? People shouldn't even bother attempting to co-parent because their kids are fucked anyway?

Don’t you think that when you drink water, you’re just trying to quench thirst or hydrate?

Of course they should try to minimise the fallout, I’m not saying they shouldn’t. My point is more about how “co-parenting” is often spoken about in glowing terms, as if it’s an ideal in itself, when it usually stems from a relationship breakdown that’s already had consequences. I think we can acknowledge both the effort and the fact that it’s rarely Plan A.

Where is it that you're hearing this?

I hear you - I’m not saying every co-parent wishes the relationship or child hadn’t happened. I’m pointing out that co-parenting after a breakup is often about managing the fallout of a relationship that didn’t work out as intended. That doesn’t make the child or the parenting invalid - it just means the setup comes from a situation with emotional baggage and logistical complexity. Saying that isn’t an attack, it’s just naming the reality a lot of people are navigating.

I don't really get your point. Co parenting isn't code for anything, it is making sure that any fallout affects the children as little as possible and that they get to maintain a relationship with both parents.

Nobody thinks it's ideal. We aren't stupid. Just trying to do best by our children. I'm a bit baffled that you think anyone thinks otherwise. There's something a bit off and judgy about the whole premise of your question to me.

I think you're stating the bleeding obvious

I meant the phrase “we’re co-parenting well” is often used to frame what is ultimately a tough, imperfect situation as a positive outcome. The bad decision isn’t necessarily having the child but rather that the romantic relationship broke down which often brings pain, disruption and hard compromises. I’m not blaming people, just reflecting on how we sometimes rebrand difficult circumstances with language that smooths over the messiness.

But to whom are you 'pointing it out' and 'naming the reality'?

I don't think anyone thinks of post-separation co-parenting as any kind of ideal, just as a matter of (hopefully) both parents doing their best to navigate a new reality in the best way for their children.

Co-parenting, particularly 50/50, is a con by men to get out of paying proper child support.
They aren't interested in looking after their children properly, they find a random woman to do it for them and call her a girlfriend. If she's providing the home and keep, so much the better.
Being half and half in different homes with different attitudes is confusing for children - the security of a single home is better.
Of course there are cases where fathers are decent people (perhaps) and where living with a mother full time is a living hell. But the principle holds.

Of course no one aspires to be co-parenting after a breakup - that’s not what I’m suggesting. But in public discourse, especially online, there’s often a tendency to praise ‘healthy co-parenting’ as though it’s a win in itself, without acknowledging the loss or harm that made it necessary. I think it’s possible to admire the effort while still being honest about the fact that it’s a Plan B and not an ideal setup for most families, even when done well.