To think co-parenting is often just damage control for a bad decision?

[ThisSharpJadeDreamer]

“We’re putting the child first” usually means “we’re trying to minimise the fallout.”

I think the term co-parenting is usually just used in conversation as a way to clarify that the children don't have a dead beat dad, honestly.

Where are all of these people aspiring to co parent? Who walks down the aisle thinking I can’t wait to divorce him and share my kids?

Is that what you’re getting at? People want it so they can have free time while the kid is with the other parent? Otherwise I can’t understand why you think anyone would see any positives, romanticism or aspiration in it.

It’s the lack of acknowledgment that sometimes feels like a missing piece - as if saying “we’re co-parenting great!” replaces any reflection on what came before.

Why does anyone owe you that acknowledgment though? A good coparenting relationship is only possible after significant reflection on what came before, because there needs to be a way of setting the pain to one side to put the children at the centre. Such reflection doesn’t happen in public nor does it need to be shared publicly - the process is no one’s business but the couple involved.

Yes, exactly. OP, why would you think this reflection hasn't happened because it hasn't been shared with you? Do you want people to be put in the pillories with a scarlet D for divorce pinned to their chests for a bit of good, old-fashioned castigation or something?

It certainly sounds like it.

But everyone knows that.

But sometimes that just isn't possible.

And my ex was abusive. He became abusive during my pregnancy.

When I found the courage to leave my son was happier. His nursery said the difference was profound - I wasn't just trying to convince myself he was happier.

I can be proud of the life I have built for him without taking anything away from nuclear families.

What is your relationship status? Why does this irk you so much? I wonder what subconscious battles you are fighting to have been triggered by this

Yes. This is a really good point. The only people who deserve that acknowledgement is the kids. And making a huge effort to co-parent harmoniously is exactly what acknowledging it's tough on the kids looks like.

Presumably, they are saying "we co-parent well" in response to a question or at least an anticipated question, because when a couple breaks up it is natural for other people to automatically ask, "how are the kids?" and that's because anyone with half a brain cell knows that, usually, children are adversely affected by separation/divorce. So, what are you saying that these people should be saying instead?

This is one of the weirdest threads I've ever read.

Absolutely everyone who has ever separated from the other parent of their children will be acutely aware of the "loss". The grief of not being able to maintain the family unit they originally envisioned is felt by everyone involved well before steps are taken to split up. Nobody with children separates lightly.

Saying "we are co-parenting well" is simply a comment on the present situation. Many people don't manage to co-parent well, after all. Ackowledging successful co-parenting doesn't replace any reflection on what came before.

It’s a lot of words with no content 🤷🏻‍♀️

Glad I'm not the only one who hasn't got a clue what OP is on about

From now on every co-parent must also remind everyone they meet that they have FAILED in their relationship and they wouldn't have this healthy co-parenting relationship if they could have managed to hold on to their partner 🤔

Still waiting to hear where all of these people who are getting married but secretly thinking “I can’t wait for this to be over so my aspirational dream life can begin” are 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Insanityisnotastrategy😂😂exactly

Help us out OP, with how you think it should be acknowledged. My ex left when DS was a baby, following an affair. He was vile and behaved appallingly for a number of years. Notwithstanding this we have managed to find a way to co-parent DS and recently it's been pretty decent (largely because I keep my personal views on his inadequacies to myself). A colleague is mid divorce. Asked how I managed co-parenting. I said "we actually co-parent very well". How should I have phrased it?

No. It's 2 parents continuing to parent. As they should. What's the alternative? Dad just takes off and has nothing to do with the children?

To your point about rebounding difficult situations:

I think staying together has been successfully branded as the gold standard for children, when actually its pretty weird when you think about it, that we teach kids that their emotional wellbeing relies on their parents being in a romantic relationship with each other, when the romantic relationship has nothing to do with the child, the co parenting and (most of the time) living in the same house does.
I think we have branded 'together' incorrectly and if society in general stopped acting like anything other than a traditional family setup is 'less than' then maybe children would be more accepting of it when it did happen. It would still be unsettling yes, as it comes with big changes, but ultimately children are not traumatised from their parents no longer being in a romantic relationship with each other, they end up traumatised due to how one or both parents handle the breakup/co parenting. And some kids ARENT traumatised for life and live much better lives in the long run for it!

What a bizarre post.

Of course when people say ‘we co-parent really well’, they aren’t saying ‘this is amazing and everything I have ever wanted for me and my children.’

They’re saying, ‘this has worked out much better than it could have done, we are ok and I’m thankful for that.’

It’s totally implicit and obvious in most situations that co-parenting after relationship breakdown is a Plan B. No one needs to say that. But healthy co-parenting is still something to be admired and aspired to, where it’s possible.

I really don't understand your point at all. So every time anyone talks about an amicable separation and the fact that they're raising their children well post separation, they should pause and reflect out loud "obviously it's not ideal and we know the best outcome would have been staying together happily".

That is ridiculous. People don't owe you an explanation or a justification and sometimes in life it is ok to focus on the positives of a situation.

Also, apply your reasoning to other areas of life.

‘I’m responding well to treatment’ becomes ‘I’m responding well to treatment but it would have been better to have remained healthy in the first place.’

‘I’m so fortunate to have survived the car accident with only minor injuries’ becomes ‘I’m lucky to have survived the car accident with only minor injuries but it would have been better to have not had a car accident at all.’

Of course it would, in both cases. But people don’t say that - they comment on the outcome of what’s been handed to them.

Absolutely, like I said before, it's just stating the bleeding obvious.

What terminology would you prefer?

Somehow I don’t think op will be back…

Successful co-parent here.

I’m in no doubt it’s not plan A: I’ll be skint till the end of time and my daughter cries and says she wishes we all still lived together.

but my all means make sure I understand the nuance when people are trying to be polite and supportive towards my situation as clearly it’s totally lost on me and you know best.

In the aftermath of a relationship breakup, there are two possible outcomes: 1) the ex partners continue to pour fuel on the fire, perpetuate the reasons that led to the breakup, badmouth each other and generally behave badly, or 2) they set aside the differences, they act like grownups and collaborate in the best interests of the children, they put the children's welfare first and they obesrve the rules of decency and courtesy,

Option 2 is harder, therefore it garners praise - especially because option 1 is so often the one the children end up with.

Your blathering about 'honesty' just sounds nonsensical in this situation.

Actually you missed option 3: one ex really wants to coparent well but the other parent continues to be abusive.
It takes both partners to behave well for successful co parenting to work