Husbands priorities all wrong

[Exhaustedslave]

AIBU not to suck my husbands d*ck more?

This is a long one so I honestly apologise and understand if no one reads it.

I'm at breaking point. I'll give some back story - We did the whole 2 under 2 thing so we have a 10 month old and a 2 year old with 18 months apart. The eldest is in nursery on a Monday and Friday and the youngest is with me all the time. They will both be in nursery 4 days a week come September but that's a really long way off. I've just returned to work from maternity leave. I work for the company that my husband owns with 4 other people as their admin assistant. I wake up with the children between 6-7am, I then parent all day and at 4pm when he finishes work we swap and I work my 8 hours and he does tea with the kids - I take a break to put one of them to bed. He works laying on the sofa, in the living room which means that I sit on the floor with the children all day, trying to keep them quiet and away from him so he can work. He says he does this to help but I find it a hinderence. I don't get a break. Ever. I shower once a week. I brush my teeth when I leave the house and I only get dressed if I absolutely have to because I just can't find the time. If i leave the room ww3 breaks out between the kids and my husband doesn't even notice and if I take them with me upstairs it's a nightmare. We're renovating and there are tools everywhere. Sometime the work I do spills into the days as it needs doing in office hours so I'm trying to parent and work together.
My husband is on at me all the time about the lack of sex we have. I mean, he mentions it everyday. My body hurts from the difficult labours and close together pregnancies. I don't recognise myself in the mirror anymore. My body just isnt mine. It makes me feel like shit that he knows I'm struggling - I told him the other week I haven't felt happiness in about 3 years and I don't want to be here anymore. And yet he's always on about how little affection I show him. Last night he turned around and said that I don't realise how much it hurts him when I refuse to suck him off. To start with I thought he was joking. But he said he doesn't know how to discuss this without sound like an a$$hole. I honeslty couldn't even respond. I'm still so angry. It's like he doesn't even respect me enough to see that I might need a basic human need met before I worry about his other needs!! I even tried to have a shower last night and he got in it with me. I just wanted 5 minutes alone.

At this point I'm contemplating a divorce because I just don't want to hear about it any more. I want just for 1 day for someone to put me first but all he ever thinks about is his d!ck. AIBU not to just get on and do it for the sake of a happy husband?

I'd really lose my shit and spell it out to him what a pathetic excuse he is for a husband and tell him to start pulling his weight or fuck off and that the next time he gets his dick out, I'm going to castrate him with a spoon.

Don't you fucking dare do it just for his sake. What a monumental prick! I've only got one child and for a multitude of reasons went off sex. Doing all your doing with 2 under 2, it's no bloody wonder you're shattered. He needs to realise just how fucking done in you are. God knows how you get that across if he hasn't already listened. Sorry he's so shit. Twat!

Yes, divorce him. Then he'll actually be forced to actually co-parent (and he can see how many BJs he gets on his own).

You are on from 6 or 7 am until after midnight with sole child care then 8 hours working for his company. That's a 18 hour workday. That is physically unsustainable.

He works in the main living area and you have to parent around him. I can:t even list how much is wrong here, he doesn't even give you time for necessary daily hygiene.

He sounds fucking useless. You are up for 18 hours, then he wants you to give him oral sex. He knows you're exhausted. He doesn't care. You're his AA, his nanny, his maid, and he wants you to suck his dick after an 18 hour day when you don't even get a fucking daily shower.

I'd be lawyering up.

So you're up at 7 (best case scenario), look after the kids (on the floor! WTF) for 9 hours, then work 8 hours until midnight, then do it all over again?

When does he expect this sex or BJ to happen? In the 7 hours of sleep you hope to get between work and getting up again?

What does he do for the hours between kids bedtime and midnight? Does he start work as soon as you get up with the children or does he stay in bed/pootle around until he starts work at 8 or 9?

This sounds like a very unfair distribution of labour TBH - unless he's doing all the housework in that 4 hours between 8pm and midnight, and during the 2-3 hours before he starts work that is.

Don't just contemplate a divorce OP, do it. There can be no happiness with a man who thinks it's more important that he gets a fucking blow job than that you get to shower or brush your teeth, let alone actually have some quality time to yourself.

Could you go away for a weekend and just leave him with the kids? Then you would feel calmer and maybe he would have a better idea of what you are going through?

He starts work as soon as he's up, but he gets up before and has a shower first (so if I wanted a shower before the kids are up we're looking at 5-6am for me to get up). Once they're down he does wash baby bottles and tidy the kitchen but no other housework gets done. He sits on the sofa and watches tv until 10 when he goes to bed.

I think he expects me to pause work and do it before he goes to sleep.

I'm meant to be working now but at least tapping away on my laptop looks like work.

If you have a company with 5 employees why don't you have a proper workplace and failing that he should have his own workspace where you can lock him in.

Are you in a position to farm the kids out to a child minder or nursery?

Your home sounds like a disaster and separating out work from home might help and getting time away from the kids would give you some breathing space.

If none of that is an option then DH needs to get off his arse and get involved and behave like a proper parent. In fact he should be doing that anyway..

I've got a long weekend away with my mum booked next month. I'm not even joking when I say I will have to remind him to give the kids drinks and what time their naps are. I'm so stressed about it I'm contemplating booking the kids flights to come with me becuase I don't want to come back to 2 dehydrated and starving children.

Is he taking the fucking piss? When would he like to do some parenting? Does he seriously expect you to give him head when you’re sitting on the floor because he lies on the sofa to work? All day?! Tell him where the door is.

They do have an office but it's not great, it's an old farm house they rent off the council (they need the outside space more than the inside space so it works well for that). He just never goes and everyone else who is office based works from home, unless they are on site. We're in the middle of going through planning to extend our garage and build an office at home. Honestly I think I might lock him in it.

The eldest is at nursery 2 days a week at the moment and come September they will both be there 4 days a week (term time) but I cannot afford any more than this - minimum wage doesn't get you very far these days!!
I would love some time away from the children, even just to seperate out work but I just don't get it.

Life is far too short for his nonsense. I would take the kids and leave him.

OP, you're burned out (even without stopping to satisfy him - btw, how would it go down if you said that you needed to relax before you went to bed, and he needed to go down on you at midnight?)

Is he the kind of person that if you laid out your timetable and his timetable, he would see it's unfair? Or would that all be your fault too?

If he has time to shower before he starts work, he has time to look after the children while you shower. I realise you are worried about them, and that he likely rather than parent, would just bring them in to you as you try to shower (you can guess how I know this), but they will be fine for 20 minutes while you're in the bathroom, he can manage that at least - then when you have your head straight from that tiny sliver of time to yourself, you can figure out what you want to do from here.

minimum wage doesn't get you very far these days

When did you last have a pay rise from this company? How about they hire an external admin, and you get yourself a better paying job for someone else, so you can put the children in nursery - you can do drop-offs, him pickups, and you get to earn more, and get some space which I think you sorely need

I spent over a year asking for a payrise before I told them I was pregnant the second time only to be told by the shareholder who had the money to start the company (all paid back now so no longer majority) that I wasn't worth any more than what I was on and they all went from agreeing with me to agreeing with him as soon as he said it. I'm apparently going on the living wage soon (requirement of a grant they've been given) so that'll be nice. Always nice to know you're as unappreciated at work as you are at home, isn't it?!

The other day I was trying to work in the evening, after he'd finished and he didn't look up from his phone for over 20 minutes. If he had, he'd have noticed that my laptop had been closed for over 10 as both children were clambering all over me making it impossible to do anything.

He would 100% say that things need to change and that I'm putting too much on myself and it's only me that expects this much from me blah blah blah but then absolutely nothing would change. I've done it so many times before I've lost count.

I know you're already swamped, but, start looking for another job. They can find someone else and you can find somewhere you're valued. Hell, even Asda pays better, has shifts that'll work around you, and you can get a discount from your shopping (or you could when I worked there)

also:

• National Living Wage: Applies to workers aged 21 and over.
• National Minimum Wage: Applies to workers aged 18-20 and those under 18.

They've just changed the name, not the amount of money - 12.21/hour (unless you're actually getting the actual living wage, then it's 12.60 - it's not going to pay for more hours of childcare)

I cannot afford any more than this

Dare I ask, how are your finances split? Are you just paying for childcare?

What’s the work setup? Is it your husband’s company? Who was this oh so knowledgeable git that said you were only worth minimum wage? Are you the admin for 4 people? What does your job entail and how much is everyone else on? Do you think you are doing a minimum wage job?

Find out how much only the company makes (are you a shareholder?), find out how much your U(seless) H makes then kick him out and get a proper job. From what you’ve written you’d be better off on UC with a PT job than your current setup.

(Sorry for all the questions!)

Honestly, this sounds like a lost cause - you don't trust him with the kids, he ignores them when he's supposed to be responsible for them - use this weekend away with your mum to get the headspace to come up with a plan to do next.

And yes, I'm sure he says that you're too hard on yourself with work, that you should just do a bit less, but then if you did, he'd expect you to spend that time looking after the kids while he did nothing/he'd complain that some kind of work wasn't done/he'd want you to spend that time blowing him, so you still don't win.

BTW, don't listen to anyone who says if you divorce it would be 50/50 - we know it wouldn't. BUT. I found it easier without the hope and disappointment, and being able to train the kids without interference so that they became easier to parent.

Oh, and he’s a useless husband!

He is no life partner. I think a partner should make you feel good about yourself, support you, respect you, be interested in you and generally add something to your life.

Hubby Dearest doesn’t sound like he does any of that. The “you’re too hard on yourself” is BS. You’re not taking too much on, you’re dealing with everything that has been pushed onto you through his lack of ability to adult.

He’s a lazy arse who isn’t cut out for family life. Some people just suck 🤷🏻‍♀️

You have my sympathy. What do you want from this thread, a rant or suggestions on how to help improve the situation? You deserve better than this and there are lots of people here that will be able to suggest things and you pick which is best for your situation.

I work for a Geotechnical Engineering company, it is my husbands company that he owns/directs and works for with 3 other working directors and one that was bought in because he had the funds and the business knowledge (not geotechnical). It was the money man who said I wasn't worth any more. He doens't know what I do or what my job entails. I do all the normal admin work - book plant, put the invoices where they need to be, check everyones training is up to date etc etc but I also do a lot of data processing and get front end of reports written so that when those with degrees come to them they only have to put the interpretive stuff in. It feels worth more than what I'm on and I'd love to know what they'd pay someone else to do it. I know how much the company makes, I know what they're all on, I know when dividends get taken and I know they could afford to pay me more but that's a whole different argument.
We never really sat down and sorted our finances we just sort of picked things up and paid for them - he does mortgage, water, electric, council tax. I do everything else.

I wish I could leave but I honestly don't think I'd be able to afford to or have the balls to break up my kids home.

Thank you. I think it was quite a lot of a rant and maybe suggestions on how to make it better. It's seeming like there isn't a better though and I should be thinking of how to leave.

You need to down tools and look after yourself before you burn out completely.

Go on strike. Do it now!