Husbands priorities all wrong

[Exhaustedslave]

AIBU not to suck my husbands d*ck more?

This is a long one so I honestly apologise and understand if no one reads it.

I'm at breaking point. I'll give some back story - We did the whole 2 under 2 thing so we have a 10 month old and a 2 year old with 18 months apart. The eldest is in nursery on a Monday and Friday and the youngest is with me all the time. They will both be in nursery 4 days a week come September but that's a really long way off. I've just returned to work from maternity leave. I work for the company that my husband owns with 4 other people as their admin assistant. I wake up with the children between 6-7am, I then parent all day and at 4pm when he finishes work we swap and I work my 8 hours and he does tea with the kids - I take a break to put one of them to bed. He works laying on the sofa, in the living room which means that I sit on the floor with the children all day, trying to keep them quiet and away from him so he can work. He says he does this to help but I find it a hinderence. I don't get a break. Ever. I shower once a week. I brush my teeth when I leave the house and I only get dressed if I absolutely have to because I just can't find the time. If i leave the room ww3 breaks out between the kids and my husband doesn't even notice and if I take them with me upstairs it's a nightmare. We're renovating and there are tools everywhere. Sometime the work I do spills into the days as it needs doing in office hours so I'm trying to parent and work together.
My husband is on at me all the time about the lack of sex we have. I mean, he mentions it everyday. My body hurts from the difficult labours and close together pregnancies. I don't recognise myself in the mirror anymore. My body just isnt mine. It makes me feel like shit that he knows I'm struggling - I told him the other week I haven't felt happiness in about 3 years and I don't want to be here anymore. And yet he's always on about how little affection I show him. Last night he turned around and said that I don't realise how much it hurts him when I refuse to suck him off. To start with I thought he was joking. But he said he doesn't know how to discuss this without sound like an a$$hole. I honeslty couldn't even respond. I'm still so angry. It's like he doesn't even respect me enough to see that I might need a basic human need met before I worry about his other needs!! I even tried to have a shower last night and he got in it with me. I just wanted 5 minutes alone.

At this point I'm contemplating a divorce because I just don't want to hear about it any more. I want just for 1 day for someone to put me first but all he ever thinks about is his d!ck. AIBU not to just get on and do it for the sake of a happy husband?

I agree with other PPs...don't you dare just give your "D"H sex just because he's whining about it! Who the hell does he think he is?! You're already doing more than enough and in what seems to be really shitty circumstances (you're a better woman than me, I think I would have cracked months ago).

I was going to ask you about the financial set up at home...I saw that you'd written that you can't afford more than two days at nursery because of your NMW wage. Are you solely responsible for the childcare costs? If so, why isn't he paying towards those costs? Can he stretch to a cleaner once a week and also fork out to have your youngest in nursery for the same two days each week as your toddler (so that you could have a day to yourself because Lord knows you need it, and a day to do your work hours during the day)? He needs to parent the DC more (and grow up/stop this nonsense about not being able to parent his own children and start bloody learning FFS). He also needs to fuck off from the sofa and do his WFH elsewhere in the house. You're both working FT, so housework, parenting and downtime should be equally shared. If he's not going to pull his weight practically, then he can bloody well pay to outsource some childcare days and cleaning.

Having said that, I did divorce my XH. For other reasons, and I was earning more than NMW as a B5 nurse at the time, but I ended up finding it far bloody easier to parent my two DC, work FT and run the house as a solo parent than when I was still with him.

@Exhaustedslave this is actually quite upsetting to read. I went off my ex (didn’t live together) after some red flags and couldn’t stand his touch. I was lucky able to end it but those last few weeks were awful. I just can’t imagine having an actual husband though who was incapable or didn’t want to support me first through my well being issues and didn’t care if I was happy or not or showing signs of struggle and instead kept prioritising his sexual needs over your mental and physical well being. I’m so very sorry you’re in this situation. From my short time on MN, there are so many amazing women whose partners are quite frankly undeserving of them. I haven’t been through anything like this so will leave it to others to offer their words of wisdom but I just wanted to comment to show empathy and support ♥️

OP what you're doing is unsustainable and you need to stop before you make yourself ill! Sit your husband down and point out that you are working an 8 hour day after a full 10 hours looking after 2 very small children. If he wants a happy healthy wife, things need to change now. Firstly, your job - you are not performing a minimum wage role. I think you'd be better off working 3 or 4 days in a different job and putting the children in childcare - this is not an expense that you should be paying for alone. The children being in childcare allows you BOTH to work and he should be paying his fair share.

Also, he should be working upstairs out of the way when you are home with the children - stop keeping the children out of his way and when he complains, tell him to move to another room. He is taking the piss lying on the sofa!

Finally, you need to tell him that sex in any form is off the table until such time that there is a more equal distribution of work, childcare and household chores. If he wants you to feel like sex, he needs to realise that you are completely exhausted and help find a solution as what you're doing is unsustainable. If you need to make your point clear, hand him his children and tell him you're going away for a couple of nights because you need a break - book yourself into a premier inn and sleep, eat and watch tv for a few days. You need to recharge your batteries.

So he does his days work while the children are awake and you're occupying them but you do your working hours when the children are mainly in bed and he gets to do fuck all

Very few ppl are looking after children all day and then doing a full 8 hour shift. Maybe an evening job a couple of days a week but it sounds like you're working full time and looking after the children for hours a day. No wonder you are exhausted.

I'd suggest you do your hours in the day and he logs on at 4pm after a day looking after the children - he ll be so tired, getting his cock sucked will be last thing on his mind.

This is not sustainable. If he can't see how blatantly unfair this set up is, then you probably don't have much choice but to divorce him.

Go job hunting and find a job that gets you out if the house working with people other than your husband.
Don't tell your husband about it until everything is agreed.

Be ruthless - you need work clothes, a hair cut & do it leaving the kids with him. Leave him to deal with their needs.

Start the job.
Make sure your WFH husband is the first call for the children in event of emergencies.

Consider whether you want to stay with your husband considering his demands.

Not sure how you can bear to touch him, he sounds completely foul. Better to be single than with someone who makes your life miserable.

Rather than leave your husband, I actually think you need to quit your job and get a better paying one so you can afford childcare full time (and have time off in the evenings). Then decide what to do about your relationship - things are too fraught atm. Your work situation is the first problem to fix as it's not at all sustainable. Hand in your notice tomorrow and start job hunting!

You’re not showering, brushing your teeth or (I’m sure) eating regularly. This is an emergency situation OP that needs ro change immediately. You cannot work from 6am to midnight without serious health consequences. You will make a mistake at work or work the kids that will get someone hurt. I hope you’re not driving on ther sleep.

i can only see three options. The kids go into nursery four days a week now, you reduce your hours or he reduces his hours. This needs to happen now and not in September.

I would work out which one you want and works for you family and have said down conversation with him where you tell him what needs to change. Explain the actions that you’ve chosen and the plan towards those changes. This is very different than you telling me something needs to change and him just agreeing and placating you. If you can’t afford nursery then you’ll need to drop your hours. Don’t ask permission, tell home this is what’s happening. You can work together to sort out your finances from there but the dropping the hours is non negotiable. I think you have to do this to keep yourself and your children safe. I’d be refuses then you leave and drop the kids off to
him half of the time.

Oh OP.

10 years ago I worked for what sounds like a similar setup. Group of blokes that used to work together who thought they could do it for themselves so started a company. It got busy quickly so they had to get someone in to “answer the phones” ie take care of all the admin. I started at 2.5 days a week then quickly went up to FT. They didn’t value what I did as I wasn’t doing work that could be invoiced. What I was doing was creating an efficient admin system that meant invoices/POs/timesheets etc could be created, traced and filed (they did file anything alphabetically, just bunged it in the drawer!) I was also the “Hardware Sales Team”. I contributed a ton to their multi-million pound business and I think they did appreciate what I did eventually, but they never valued what the admin team did as it wasn’t something they were interested in.

Your boys sound the same (apart from the money guy who sounds like a complete twat. He may not be from the same sector but his business knowledge was pitiful if that was his attitude).

10 years ago, I was on £30k.

YOU ARE NOT DOING A MINIMUM WAGE JOB.

You are being massively underpaid and undervalued.

If they can’t afford to pay you more, they are not running a going concern, they are running a failing business that can’t support itself. If you weren’t there, who would do your work? Would the individuals be able to do all their own admin without reducing the amount of revenue they generate? If not, they need admin support and they don’t get away with paying a pittance for it because you’re the boss’ wife (which is frankly the opposite of how that usually goes!).

You would love to know what they’d pay someone else to do your job? They won’t find anyone else to do your job (it’s not a good job).

Have you found yourself in this job because you were supporting your UH’s startup? I don’t understand how your husband is willing to allow you to be treated like this? I can see a small business taking advantage of loyal staff who stay late and do extra work FOC, but your husband should be able to see how utterly unsustainable this is. How can he be ok with you looking after the children ALL DAY and then starting an 8 hour day?! You are on your knees slogging your guts out to help his business and you’re not even a director getting a generous dividend! He’s got you on minimum wage. Go get a zero hours job with Amazon. Bet you get paid more. There is no reason why you should continue to work for your husband’s company. It’s either going to go bust as it’s been so badly managed OR they are such bad employers that you shouldn’t work for them. What holidays/pension etc do you get? Sickness? Maternity?

Are you writing reports for GRADUATES???

how much is your husband making? Do you feel what he pays for is fair? If you’re on £25k ish, I assume his income is similar if he pays an equal amount of things. Have you worked out what percentage you are both actually paying? Are you doing 50:50 but he earns x3 as much as you?

Frankly, your husband should be ashamed of himself for letting you be treated so appallingly. He should be in your corner, sticking up for you not allowing you to be taken for a ride by his business partners.

Start looking for a new job, tell husband he’s going to have to pony up for nursery fees and also stop lying on the couch to work (why is he working that late?! Again, if they can’t get their work done in normal business hours they’re running a failing business. Occasional late nights are ok but not every night).

I’d look into UC entitlement, get a copy of the accounts for your solicitor then divorce the b*gger.

Who did the admin when you were on maternity leave ?

But why are you on minimum wage as an admin assistant for your DH's company? And why are your earnings paying for nursery???

As pp have said, find a different job. Based on what you say you do, you are underpaid.

I would sit down and tell him you are close to leaving, that you are sick of the way things are, his attitude, his lack of attention to the children, his none existent help, his constant pestering. Tell him that seduction and romance starts as soon as he wakes up, with the help he gives, the appreciation he shows you etc etc. Not just asking for his needs to be met when you have done 101 things, some of which he should be bloody well doing!.
Tell him how exhausted you are and all of this is because of him. That you would be better off living without him.

He sounds like a selfish arse and needs to know what he stands to lose.
He really needs to be told what he is doing, he knows I'm sure, but he needs it spelling out to him. Let him know you are serious about leaving both him and his piss taking company.

So you're up at 6/7am and on the go until midnight?

He's a prick. Divorce might bring you a bit of peace. I'd lose my shit with him as well.

I’m sorry op, but I wouldn’t wish your life on my worst enemy.

you must do whatever you can to leave, because this is miserable.

for your kids sake, because they need a mum who isn’t miserable, exhausted and disrespected

I found this really difficult reading. Others have given good practical advice re working on plans to divorce. You could suggest couples counselling and an ultimatum but I’m not sure, from reading this post, that that would work. At best he sounds selfish, at worst he sounds abusive.

No one. They put their own data in and booked their own plant but all of the other stuff I either did during my 1 kit day a month or am now catching up on.

I haven't read the full thread but all I can offer is..... don't you dare take the kids with you on your break at your Mum's.

I think you have to start by breaking his total domination of your day and time. Look for a minimum wage job during the day. As they don’t oay you more they can’t complain. Reduce your household contribution and pay only for nursery for the children. Just go out to work fearlessly.

They will either offer you more money or they won’t. If they don’t you are no worse off. If they do: refuse to go back on the noghttime schedule. Make rational, daytime, office hours your goal. Stop doing everything for everyone all at once

You parent all day, then do an eight hour shift and he then expects you to feel horny???!!!???

Give me your address, and I’ll come round and bite his dick off. That should shut him up 😤

Book yourself off sick and go away for a week. Leave him and the company to manage. Suggest they look at recruiting someone in your role.

Tell your husband that you’ve decided that the current set up isn’t working. From now on, you will work in the day while he manages the dc. He can do his shift when they are in bed.

Tell him he has one week to sort things out or you will leave him and his useless fecking company to sink or swim on their own, while you get a better job.

Find your rage.

Can you tell your family how exhausted you are and ask to go and stay with them with dc and tell your husband the work on the house needs to be finished before you come back.

Can family then help with childcare for few weeks while you work in day (or look for new job).

I’d also put various work and childcare scenarios through a benefits calculator and work out what life as a single parent would mean financially.

Once you have had a proper rest and time to think you can decide if you miss him / he brings anything positive to your life.
I found there was no way back to finding exH attractive once the resentment had set in. He also expected me to do far too much (while he did very little).

I enjoy being a single parent it’s physically hard work but mentally a walk in the park compared to being married to a selfish man.

its ok to ask for help. I’m sure your mum would be horrified to know you don’t even get a daily shower. You don’t need to tell them all the awful details just come up with a story about renovations, needing a break etc

Thank you everyone for all your help and suggestions. I definitely think I need to take a look at my situation and decide on what is going to change before I completely give up. Thanks again!

This makes me so mad! It sounds like he offers you very little support, and absolutely NO affection without sex attached. I’m sure it’s not uncommon in families with toddlers as it’s so exhausting.

his working arrangement is ridiculous. A desk in a bedroom would be better than him being in the middle of everything all day.

This sounds like the worst parenting / job schedule ever!! There must be a better way to do this - childcare?!

This is completely outrageous OP.

First step to a better life is a new job, that’s whether you stay with husband or leave him. Both ways you need a new job.