To think the real reason people push for marriage and kids is that they’re terrified of being alone with themselves?

[StillOchreFox]

I’m not saying everyone who marries or has kids is doing it for the wrong reasons but I genuinely think for a lot of people, it’s less about love or legacy and more about avoiding solitude. It’s like being single past a certain age is treated as a failure or worse - a sign there’s something wrong with you. So people chase relationships and parenthood not out of deep desire but out of fear. Fear of ageing alone. Of being unremarkable. Of sitting with their own silence.

Then they justify it with “biological clocks” or “it’s what I’ve always wanted” but how much of that is just internalised panic? AIBU to think that the obsession with coupledom and kids is, in part, a socially accepted way of running from yourself?

Why are those the wrong reasons?

I think you have too much time on your hands and are looking far too deeply into this.

I wouldn't judge anyone for not wanting kids or staying single, but it sounds like you would.

Personally, yes, I got married and had children because I wanted close people in my life. I would be unhappy being alone. Humans are social creatures, having people is literally the point of having a family. What other reasons do people have??

ETA it's not about being alone being a 'failure', it's about it being the suboptimal choice for my happiness. I enjoy sharing my life.

If people were honest with themselves so might say yes they don’t want to be alone. Many people also like being alone. I don’t care either way.

‘Scared to be lonely’. Umm, aren’t most people avoiding a life of being lonely. I’m ok in my own company, but I try to be a good person that people want to spend time with me. I used to enjoy solo travelling, rocking up to a hostel by myself and a within a few hours I’d made a couple of pals to party with.

I don’t expect DD to care for me in my old age. I hope she has an amazing life, she may dream of working in Australia or on Mars and I’ll 100% support her with that.

I hope me and DH live a long healthy life, to grow old with each other. That’s because I love him, and I love our lives together, may it continue!

How dare you @OrangeElk? Sit with yourself.

is that what you did op? I did it for the regular shagging 😂😂

Should also say being alone doesn’t mean lonely. Plenty of people in relationships with kids feel lonely. Hence the ton of threads we get in here about it.

Maybe wrong wasn’t the best word. I don’t mean it’s morally wrong, just that it can be misguided if the decision is driven more by fear than genuine desire.

Choosing marriage or kids because you truly want that life is one thing. But doing it to avoid being alone or to tick a box socket handed you, often leads to resentment, towards your partner, your children or yourself.

It’s not about judging people’s choices, it’s about asking where are they really coming from? Because fear-based decisions tends to catch up with you eventually.

Maybe they're not 'wrong' reasons but there's a lack of honesty, unless people get married having discussed its their fear of solitude that drives them, which is unlikely

Not sure who you’ve mistaken me for but this is my first post here. You okay?

I got married because I loved my DH and wanted to be with him. I lived alone for years before then, it was fine.

Not sure why people have to generalise from their own experience .

Im single and childless and love it.
I've never wanted either marriage or kids.
If others do good luck to them.

Ok. If so I apologise. There is a poster with a similar posting style who starts reasonable and then says the most furious things.

And I completely get that - wanting connection, closeness, and community is totally valid. Humans are social creatures and there’s nothing wrong with building a family around that.

I guess what I’m questioning is whether everyone makes those choices consciously. There’s a difference between saying “I value deep relationships and chose this path intentionally” and “I panicked at 30 because I thought I’d be alone forever.” It’s not that wanting people is wrong - it’s whether that want is rooted in fear or in something more grounded.

The time I was loneliest was when I was married to my XH.

Not wanting to be alone is a perfectly legitimate reason to enter a relationship.

I mean, that's the main reason people have friends.

Yes, OP, you’re one of the tiny minority who got married and had children for the right reasons. The rest of us randomly grabbed the nearest person, like a game of marital musical chairs, and were practically grabbing our babies out of the birth canal, crying ‘Now I will never be alone again!’

Not quite my motivation but thanks for your contribution 😂

Either fear of being alone, or social pressure, are two entirely separate motivations.

It's entirely normal to fear being alone and to do things to avoid it. Humans are hardwired to feel discomfort at being outside the tribe. However there are many many ways of achieving inclusion without getting married or having children, and many people are very happily doing those things.

Getting married and having children due to perceived social pressure does have the potential to lead to unhappiness, of course. I don't know how strong that pressure is any more? Only around half my friends have children, and even fewer are married. They don't want those things so didn't do them.

So what is your own situation then OP?

Well yeah, everyone has different motivations for doing things so I’m sure there are some people in the world who did it for the reasons you describe.

Agree, fear of being alone and social pressure aren’t the same but I think they can overlap. Sometimes the fear gets channeled through social norms like “I’m supposed to want marriage/kids by a certain age” and people internalise that without fully unpacking it.

I love that your friends felt free not to go down those paths. I think that’s becoming more common but there’s still a lingering sense, especially for women, that choosing to stay single or child-free needs a justification. That’s the bit I was challenging.

I’m not really looking to make this about me - it’s more a reflection on patterns I’ve noticed and conversations I’ve had. But I do think the fear of being alone plays a bigger role in people’s choices than we like to admit.