To think the real reason people push for marriage and kids is that they’re terrified of being alone with themselves?

[StillOchreFox]

I’m not saying everyone who marries or has kids is doing it for the wrong reasons but I genuinely think for a lot of people, it’s less about love or legacy and more about avoiding solitude. It’s like being single past a certain age is treated as a failure or worse - a sign there’s something wrong with you. So people chase relationships and parenthood not out of deep desire but out of fear. Fear of ageing alone. Of being unremarkable. Of sitting with their own silence.

Then they justify it with “biological clocks” or “it’s what I’ve always wanted” but how much of that is just internalised panic? AIBU to think that the obsession with coupledom and kids is, in part, a socially accepted way of running from yourself?

I was brought up by my mum and only my mum as my dad died when I was 4, my mum has been on her own now for most of my life and I’ve seen how she has become a strong independent woman, diy , no bother to her, an emergency, she is cool and calm, everything life throws at her , she deals with it, My mum taught me that I didn’t need a man in my life, she taught me to be able to stand on my own two feet financially, socially and emotionally.

in My late teens I had friends worried about being on their own or having no boyfriends but I was perfectly happy on my own.

dh is just the lucky bugger who caught my eye and loves me for me and my faults and who has spent the last 30 years of my life with, before him I had no plans to have children, get married , I was going to be that strong independent woman that my mum was and still is.

some women can be on their own and don’t need a man.

Exactly - this is what I was getting at. When people make big life decisions out of fear (especially the fear of being alone), it can lead to staying in situations that aren’t healthy - for them or for the kids they hoped would fix the loneliness. And then we wonder why so many children grow up with warped ideas of love, security, or emotional connection.

In doing so, you seem to be suggesting that a fear of being alone is the main motivator for people to seek out relationships and to have children?

And I don’t disagree, marriage and children can absolutely be fulfilling and deeply meaningful. For many people they are.

My post wasn’t saying those choices are wrong but that they’re sometimes made for the wrong reasons: to escape loneliness, meet expectations or avoid what it means to be alone with yourself. When they’re chosen freely and consciously, they can be beautiful. I just think we rarely talk about how often they’re chosen out of fear or pressure instead.

Well I can honestly say your theory is aload of bollocks, I was happily single for 15 years then when i met my DH, I realised that life was better as a happy couple and we got married on that basis.

I don't want kids and never have, so I guess nope don't agree with you. I also know many others like me, so please try again with your spectacularly broad brush.

Not the main motivator for everyone but I do think it plays a bigger role than people are often willing to admit. Of course many people genuinely want love, partnership, and parenthood but for others, those same choices can be driven more by avoidance than desire. And when that happens, it can lead to resentment, disconnection, or a feeling of being trapped in a life they never truly chose. I wasn’t trying to make a sweeping claim - just raising the question of whether we always know what’s driving us.

If you're just staying with someone out of fear of being alone then you're with the wrong person and will have a miserable life. I wish I could have told younger me that.
It would have saved me from a lot of heartache and domestic violence. I lived on my own for a few years as it was what I needed and I bloody loved it. Thats not my situation now but I'm happier now than when I was single. As PP said, we have a pack instinct to be closely around others. I wouldn't judge anyone else if they preferred to be on their own though.

I mean yes. Some people get married or have kids for the wrong reasons. This is not a revelation.

I actually think you're wrong. The media have, over the last few years, published lots of research around more and more women choosing to be single and the positivity, simplicity and freedom it brings. The only negativity I see is occasionally on here. By posting this inane drivel, you are part of the problem in proliferating the 'there's something wrong with them' line and making vulnerable people question their status. You can dress it up how you like, it's still an attack on single people and therefore still a vile post.

Humans are not "programmed" to live alone. Historically, we have always lived in societies, groups, families, villages, etc. It's only the recent overconsumptionist and ultraliberal individualistic culture of the last 50 years that has been trying to tell us that being alone is natural and we should be happy about it (and drive profit for millions of companies out there). Actually, solitute is the main reason for depression and rising mental health problems among the Western population.

Personally I was perfectly happy alone. Never had any massive desire to marry or procreate. Great job, great social life, plenty of spare cash. Then I fell in love, and then we wanted children. I actually found giving up my total freedom quite difficult, and I had to learn to be far less selfish than I was able to be when I lived alone, but it was (and still is) worth it, despite the significant challenges of a disabled child.
People do things for different reasons. Whether they acknowledge those reasons to themselves or not… well that’s up to them. The only person whose life and choices you can really influence is your own; I don’t really see the value in analysing other people’s choices and motivations.

Its a weird MN thing - you've somehow let the side down if you're happily married with children.

I was brought up by my mum and only my mum as my dad died when I was 4, my mum has been on her own now for most of my life and I’ve seen how she has become a strong independent woman, diy , no bother to her, an emergency, she is cool and calm, everything life throws at her , she deals with it, My mum taught me that I didn’t need a man in my life, she taught me to be able to stand on my own two feet financially, socially and emotionally.

@2chocolateoranges she sounds like an amazing lady but I doubt that's the life she would have chosen (or others would choose)?

I think it could possibly be a contributing factor - more so as a reason for not ending a fractured relationship rather than getting into one in the first place, but I doubt its the primary or only reason - at I doubt many people are shacking up with someone they barely like just to not be alone - that's pretty bleak.

There are more than 8 million single person households in the UK, not to mention houseshares etc. where someone won't technically be registered as living alone but won't be partnered up -yes a lot of those will be involuntary (i.e. older people who have been widowed) but a lot aren't so the "stigma" is probably slowly reducing.

People are in relationships for all sorts of reasons - yes ideally because they are deeply in love with each other but if this isn't the case then, as long as both parties are satisfied then it doesn't really matter whether its for financial reasons, because they want companionship, don't want to distress the children, medical issues (there are threads on here where 1 partner is basically only staying because they are the registered carer for the other) - or anything else.

It certainly wasn’t the life that she had planned but life can be cruel and she just had to get on with it. She is such an amazing person. X