To think the real reason people push for marriage and kids is that they’re terrified of being alone with themselves?

[StillOchreFox]

I’m not saying everyone who marries or has kids is doing it for the wrong reasons but I genuinely think for a lot of people, it’s less about love or legacy and more about avoiding solitude. It’s like being single past a certain age is treated as a failure or worse - a sign there’s something wrong with you. So people chase relationships and parenthood not out of deep desire but out of fear. Fear of ageing alone. Of being unremarkable. Of sitting with their own silence.

Then they justify it with “biological clocks” or “it’s what I’ve always wanted” but how much of that is just internalised panic? AIBU to think that the obsession with coupledom and kids is, in part, a socially accepted way of running from yourself?

Some peoples.

Aren’t a wish for a family and a fear of being alone just two sides of the same coin?

I don’t think you are saying anything particularly insightful. yes of course many people are social creatures who prefer to have company. We are pretty much built that way

You know what I like most about marriage? Watching" The Gold" together as we did yesterday.
I can do it alone. But it's not as fun.
I do a lot of solo stuff. I take some holidays on my own, go to the theatre on my own, walk alone...But I want both.

Agree. The OP seems to think she’s giving us the gift of some great insightful social commentary.
People are generally social creatures. Many don’t want to be alone, and would rather have someone to share their life with. Other people are happy to be alone. That’s hardly earth shattering news.

Humans are pack animals and want/need to form units of various kinds with other human beings, and an urge to have a partner and possibly children comes from a deep place for many of us. It would be surprising and impractical in multiple ways if everyone decided to live alone. Some people do prefer to, either because they especially appreciate all the upsides that being alone offers, or because of having had bad experiences of being in a couple.

What exactly is wrong with not wanting to live alone forever? It's fine if that is what you prefer and fine if not.

I do think there are people who do it because that's the done thing, rather than it being their heart's desire. And yes, I would think the majority have some degree of fear/sorrow at the thought of being alone, particularly when young.

It's a combination of ALL of those things, to varying degrees, and there are also varying degrees of a conscious attempt to ponder what makes one wish to be in a relationship, stay in one, and have kids. Some people spend more time analysing why they do things (and being honest about those reasons) than others. Frankly most people haven't got a clue why they act the way they do - they may think they understand why, but if they got therapy and did the work that goes into analysis they'd likely uncover some reasons they had never contemplated.

What is truly sad is that there are people out there who are happy to admit that they have kids because they want someone to look after them in old age, and/or want a little "best friend". Essentially they birthed what they view as being their own future care service. I feel very sad for children who are viewed in those terms and know that their parent created them mostly so they would be cheap labour and perform nursing duties. Anyone who thinks that way shouldn't be having kids.

For anyone out there who is a child who was expected to behave as a carer: RUN! Go live your life! You don't owe anyone anything! The world is your oyster - go experience all the amazing stuff it has to offer. And for any parents out there who had kids because they wanted a carer/someone to talk to: shame on you.

I get what you’re saying and yes, wanting connection is deeply human. But I don’t think we always stop to ask whether we’re making big life choices from want or from avoidance.

That’s the bit I was trying to get at, not just that people like companionship but that sometimes the fear of solitude is so strong it drives decisions that don’t actually align with who someone is. That’s not just social, it’s existential.

Ya I don't get it.

Nothing wrong with not wanting to be alone. But what is concerning are some of the decisions people make to, in their minds, ensure they will not be alone. Some people do indeed have children because they expect those kids to care for them in person when they are elderly.

Got with the other half at 15 and we had our first child at 16. Miles away from the "biological clock" and wasn't lonely at all. Just something we always wanted.

If family life isn't for you fair enough but some people genuinely do just want it

Yes this. Instantly recogniseable.

Many people frame it as positive reasons 'I really love them and want to spend my life with them' whereas a more honest framing might be more ' I love you, can tolerate you well and bing with you saves me from facing my own self in solitude'. Clearly the 2nd maybe more honest and self aware but less attractive to partners!

I agree - there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be alone forever. That’s a completely valid human desire.

My point wasn’t that wanting connection is bad but that it’s worth being honest with ourselves about why we want certain things. Are we choosing relationships and parenthood because they align with who we are or because we fear what it means not to? Both paths are valid - it’s the clarity that matters.

'It's like being single past a certain age is treated as a failure or worse - a sign there’s something wrong with you.'

Is it? I personally think there's something horribly wrong work someone who thinks like this. What a vile post.

I do think being single, and having lots of friends for human connection works for many.

The problem is it's very hard for me at least to keep friends as the world is so mobile these days. My family are scattered too.

That is definitely why I want relationships because I am sociable and I thrive in healthy relationships. I have a really kind, funny and personally I find gorgeous husband and wonderful children and I love the way they bring joy to my life. Neither I nor my husband had that ourselves growing up so it is a real source of pleasure in my life to have it now. I feel very lucky and despite having a crazy hard life by many standards because we have been handed a huge slice from the adversity cake in our external life we feel blessed every day to have such a close family.

Its fine to want marriage and children, and its equally fine not to.

I spent a few years in my 20s, happily single and not thinking about marriage or children, but I had a decent group of similar friends. Then over the space of a year, they all got partners, and it wasn't such fun any more. Its quite tough being happily single if all your friends are married/in relationships.

The urge to reproduce is a very strong and deep seated one for some people. In those cases, trying to come up with any kind of rationale or wordy explanation beyond that is pointless and going to sound stupid. In a lot of cases, it's just drive and hormones.

How many people stay in bad relationships because are too scared to be alone? Not great role models for children they were desperate to have

Well seeing as there are billions of people on earth, yes for some it will be more of a ‘well if I meet the right person then maybe I’ll live with them’ and for others it will be ‘one of my primary aims is to meet someone I would like to live with and will be very proactive about it’. Again I don’t think that is particularly insightful or revelatory.

Agree. I had this experience. Rarely feel lonely on my own.

Why can’t marriage and children be desirable in their own right? Being a mother or father is among the most fulfilling things a person can do. It’s got challenges, which makes it worthwhile, and it brings real joy.

Just to be clear, I wasn’t saying I believe that. I was pointing out that society often sends that message, especially to women.

I actually don’t think there’s anything wrong with being single at any age. The whole point of the post was to question the pressure to couple up just to avoid being judged for being alone.