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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset that DS12 falsely accused of racism based on hearsay

68 replies

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:16

on call from school today we were told that DS has been accused of saying n-word twice about a black child (child 1) in the last few weeks. Child 1 did not hear it but has been told by another child (child 2) that my DS said it. School say they have interviewed other children allegedly in vicinity at the time of each incident who have all said DS did not say this. DS was oblivious until called in by year head last week and told about accusations, asked if he said it (he didn’t) and then told their investigation outcome was that he had not said it as everyone around him said he didn’t say it. He was told by year head that child 1 had not disclosed the identity of child 2 so they had not been interviewed. School would not have told us unless we’d actually contacted them about something completely different-neither DS or school think this is a big deal because he didn’t say it.

I feel really uneasy about the whole situation and not sure whether to let go or take further. Although I’m glad that the school have investigated and found he did not say it, I’m really concerned that 1) the school didn’t inform us when they were investigating or before discussing with my child 2) the school investigated an accusation based completely on hearsay (someone said that someone said) 3) child 2 (or possibly child 1) is making up some very serious rumours about my child 4) I’m concerned about what might have been recorded about the incident on my child’s school record! AIBU to feel concerned about this?

OP posts:
lnks · 25/06/2025 16:19

What would you have had the school do?

Applehole · 25/06/2025 16:21

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Luckypoppy · 25/06/2025 16:22

Apart from not informing you (unless you just got in before they had chance to call) I think they’ve done everything fine.

Applehole · 25/06/2025 16:22

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Ellie1015 · 25/06/2025 16:25

Without suggesting I dont believe him I would make sure my son knew that language is not acceptable and that he will never speak in that way. Peers not admitting anything does not mean he didnt say it. You know your son best but I would be having a chat to make it very clear the seriousness. I have overheard lovely kids from lovely families using homophobic language.(edit to add obviously not that lovely kids, but you would not have expected it from them and I am sure their parents were very upset)

School spoke to the kids involved then told you I dont think they need to tell you before investigation it sounds like a chat with those about.

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:28

lnks · 25/06/2025 16:19

What would you have had the school do?

I think I would have had the school say to child 1 they couldn’t investigate without speaking to child 2 as they were the only ones who allegedly heard it?

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Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:30

Ellie1015 · 25/06/2025 16:25

Without suggesting I dont believe him I would make sure my son knew that language is not acceptable and that he will never speak in that way. Peers not admitting anything does not mean he didnt say it. You know your son best but I would be having a chat to make it very clear the seriousness. I have overheard lovely kids from lovely families using homophobic language.(edit to add obviously not that lovely kids, but you would not have expected it from them and I am sure their parents were very upset)

School spoke to the kids involved then told you I dont think they need to tell you before investigation it sounds like a chat with those about.

Edited

Yes my son definitely knows not to say this or anything remotely like this and has been drummed into him repeatedly for years!

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Applehole · 25/06/2025 16:31

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Applehole · 25/06/2025 16:31

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ScaredyCatherine · 25/06/2025 16:32

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It's in the thread title

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:33

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I can assure you it was a completely unrelated and actually very positive other matter to tell us DS is doing great, showing good attitude, hard working etc. school only mentioned as a ‘DS might have told you about this but we assure you nothing came of it.’

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Dweetfidilove · 25/06/2025 16:33

I think the school has done a fine investigation.

Telling you in advance may have skewed the outcome, if you're the type of parent to instruct your child to deny or fly down to school in a rage of denial.

I'm sure you've had a chat with your son and I'd encourage him to give the person who accused him wide berth. It's concerning they'd fabricate something like that, and I hope the school has reaffirmed why the word shouldn't be used.

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:34

Luckypoppy · 25/06/2025 16:22

Apart from not informing you (unless you just got in before they had chance to call) I think they’ve done everything fine.

Thanks-maybe I need to accept that what’s done is done by school. They spoke to DS last week so have had a week to call!

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blackbird77 · 25/06/2025 16:34

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:16

on call from school today we were told that DS has been accused of saying n-word twice about a black child (child 1) in the last few weeks. Child 1 did not hear it but has been told by another child (child 2) that my DS said it. School say they have interviewed other children allegedly in vicinity at the time of each incident who have all said DS did not say this. DS was oblivious until called in by year head last week and told about accusations, asked if he said it (he didn’t) and then told their investigation outcome was that he had not said it as everyone around him said he didn’t say it. He was told by year head that child 1 had not disclosed the identity of child 2 so they had not been interviewed. School would not have told us unless we’d actually contacted them about something completely different-neither DS or school think this is a big deal because he didn’t say it.

I feel really uneasy about the whole situation and not sure whether to let go or take further. Although I’m glad that the school have investigated and found he did not say it, I’m really concerned that 1) the school didn’t inform us when they were investigating or before discussing with my child 2) the school investigated an accusation based completely on hearsay (someone said that someone said) 3) child 2 (or possibly child 1) is making up some very serious rumours about my child 4) I’m concerned about what might have been recorded about the incident on my child’s school record! AIBU to feel concerned about this?

Of course the school will investigate an incident based on hearsay - that's the purpose of an investigation. To see if there's any merit in the original accusation. If the school heard that someone said that someone else overheard that a student sexually assaulted someone, stole from a teacher, punched someone, cheated in a major exam, the school would investigate the accusation to see if it is either something that genuinely happened or was just a load of nonsense (most cases). The thing that you want to focus on is that the school appropriately sanctions the child that made up the lie about your daughter.

I promise you 100% this is nothing to worry about. Nothing will be on a record at all. Schools deal with 100 of these silly things kids make up every single day. They will do a brief investigation, get some statements from students who witnessed what did or didn't happen and if the original complaint was found to have merit, proceed with sanctions or if it was found to be a load of codswallop, inform students and parents that nothing was found to worry about and give some sharp reprimands out about spreading nonsense.

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:35

Dweetfidilove · 25/06/2025 16:33

I think the school has done a fine investigation.

Telling you in advance may have skewed the outcome, if you're the type of parent to instruct your child to deny or fly down to school in a rage of denial.

I'm sure you've had a chat with your son and I'd encourage him to give the person who accused him wide berth. It's concerning they'd fabricate something like that, and I hope the school has reaffirmed why the word shouldn't be used.

Yes this is exactly what we’ve done so far! Although tricky when we have no idea who child 2 is! He’s going to have to trust no one 😢

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 25/06/2025 16:35

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:28

I think I would have had the school say to child 1 they couldn’t investigate without speaking to child 2 as they were the only ones who allegedly heard it?

Absolutely not! Perhaps Child 1 is frightened of Child 2 which is why they didn’t reveal who it was. The school did absolutely the correct thing. I should hope that they would build in some sort of session on racist name calling for the whole year group moving forward.

Applehole · 25/06/2025 16:36

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Snorlaxo · 25/06/2025 16:37

Since kids can’t have recording equipment like phones out, hearsay will naturally always be the only evidence.

It is fair that they take allegations of racism seriously and I’m glad that they found out the truth. I wouldn’t expect to be informed of an investigation until it was concluded but I’d be curious as hell why child 2 named my child.

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:37

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I think I’ve answered that but ok

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Applehole · 25/06/2025 16:37

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skymagentatwo · 25/06/2025 16:38

I should hope the school now talk to all involved about the seriousness of making shit up and claiming racism where it does not exist. As the implications for your son the falsely accused could be demonised and traumatised and faced serious consequences had the scholl taken a different direction.

Typical MN still holding your son to account even when innocent.

Ablondiebutagoody · 25/06/2025 16:39

I don't see the problem or why you need to be informed. A kid claimed something that was untrue. School looked into it and found it to be untrue. Total non event.

Soontobe60 · 25/06/2025 16:39

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:35

Yes this is exactly what we’ve done so far! Although tricky when we have no idea who child 2 is! He’s going to have to trust no one 😢

You do realise that it could have been Child 1 making it up don’t you? In reality, and my experience of teaching for over 30 years, nothing surprises me. There have been many occasions where children whom you would least suspect of doing something unacceptable has actually done something unkind or mean or hurtful to another child.

saraclara · 25/06/2025 16:39

I should hope that they would build in some sort of session on racist name calling for the whole year group moving forward

Why? They've just confirmed that the name calling didn't happen.

And racism and the use of racist terms will already be part of the curriculum. To have an extra session out of the blue to follow up name calling that didn't happen, makes no sense at all

Megifer · 25/06/2025 16:41

You're right to be concerned re: what's been noted. Schools do get it wrong or dont update the records.

You could put in a SAR to see what has been documented - they may ask your DS to consent.

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