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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset that DS12 falsely accused of racism based on hearsay

68 replies

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:16

on call from school today we were told that DS has been accused of saying n-word twice about a black child (child 1) in the last few weeks. Child 1 did not hear it but has been told by another child (child 2) that my DS said it. School say they have interviewed other children allegedly in vicinity at the time of each incident who have all said DS did not say this. DS was oblivious until called in by year head last week and told about accusations, asked if he said it (he didn’t) and then told their investigation outcome was that he had not said it as everyone around him said he didn’t say it. He was told by year head that child 1 had not disclosed the identity of child 2 so they had not been interviewed. School would not have told us unless we’d actually contacted them about something completely different-neither DS or school think this is a big deal because he didn’t say it.

I feel really uneasy about the whole situation and not sure whether to let go or take further. Although I’m glad that the school have investigated and found he did not say it, I’m really concerned that 1) the school didn’t inform us when they were investigating or before discussing with my child 2) the school investigated an accusation based completely on hearsay (someone said that someone said) 3) child 2 (or possibly child 1) is making up some very serious rumours about my child 4) I’m concerned about what might have been recorded about the incident on my child’s school record! AIBU to feel concerned about this?

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 25/06/2025 16:41

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:35

Yes this is exactly what we’ve done so far! Although tricky when we have no idea who child 2 is! He’s going to have to trust no one 😢

I'd completely overlooked the fact that the 'reporter' is anonymous. Yikes 😬.
I hope there are no repeat reports, but I'd be anxious to know how it came about too.

5128gap · 25/06/2025 16:44

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:28

I think I would have had the school say to child 1 they couldn’t investigate without speaking to child 2 as they were the only ones who allegedly heard it?

There is no way the school could make their willingness to investigate a serious racist slur conditional on the potential victim revealing their source. The schools priority would rightly be to support the boy who believed someone had been racist towards him. They can't put the potential discomfort caused to your son of answering some questions ahead of protecting a child from racism. Your son denied it, was supported by witnesses and has been believed. It can't have been a pleasant experience but it was resolved quickly in the only reasonable way.

Viviennemary · 25/06/2025 16:58

Write to the Head and governors and LA saying there is an incident of bullying which it is and it hasn't been resolved. As the bully lied about the racism and caused trouble,

Genevieva · 25/06/2025 17:01

Clearly child 1 needs to tell the school who child 2 is. It’s a serious defamatory accusation. I’d also suggest that PSHE needs to cover defamation and explain to the children that lying about other people is unacceptable and will be taken seriously.

stichguru · 25/06/2025 17:03

Kids get also sorts of random things in their heads. If it's a one off then child 2 has some random thing in their head and has said it, it's been decided it was untrue. Move on. Obviously if child 2 has form for thinking they have heard someone say something they haven't said, trying to get people in trouble for random stuff, or particularly targeting your kid, then it needs following up. Keep clear notes of what your child said happened with dates and times in case anything else happens, but leave it for now.

Luckypoppy · 25/06/2025 17:07

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:34

Thanks-maybe I need to accept that what’s done is done by school. They spoke to DS last week so have had a week to call!

In that case, yes, that’s out of order! The rest is standard practice.

5128gap · 25/06/2025 17:13

Genevieva · 25/06/2025 17:01

Clearly child 1 needs to tell the school who child 2 is. It’s a serious defamatory accusation. I’d also suggest that PSHE needs to cover defamation and explain to the children that lying about other people is unacceptable and will be taken seriously.

I think it would be more helpful to cover the right and wrong thing to do if you witness racism, ie, report to staff rather than tell the victim. To discuss how it might feel to be told someone has said something awful about you. What the school doesn't want to do is anything that will stop children calling out or reporting genuine racism, through fear theyll be in trouble if there arent any witnesses. Or make victims frightened to come forward because they'll be expected to reveal who told them.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 25/06/2025 17:24

I’m surprised your son didn’t tell you. Maybe I missed something in the timeline but wasn’t he interviewed last week?

I think that at 12 it’s going to be on your son to bring you news more than in the past. The school sounds like they handled it very well. Trust me that they deal with this kind of thing every day.

Last thought is that this will blow over very quickly… this age brings a lot of he said/she said drama. Your son was caught up in it this time by now (a week later) it will be something else. My advice is to let it blow over. You know he didn’t say it, your son knows he didn’t say it, and the school knows he didn’t say it. Let it go.

Genevieva · 25/06/2025 17:39

5128gap · 25/06/2025 17:13

I think it would be more helpful to cover the right and wrong thing to do if you witness racism, ie, report to staff rather than tell the victim. To discuss how it might feel to be told someone has said something awful about you. What the school doesn't want to do is anything that will stop children calling out or reporting genuine racism, through fear theyll be in trouble if there arent any witnesses. Or make victims frightened to come forward because they'll be expected to reveal who told them.

All true but in this case the allegations are unfounded, so the issue is bullying the OP’s son by spreading false allegations.

Vedette89 · 25/06/2025 17:44

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 16:28

I think I would have had the school say to child 1 they couldn’t investigate without speaking to child 2 as they were the only ones who allegedly heard it?

They can't do this, particularly not about racism. The school has done the right thing by investigating.

Why didn't my son son feel comfortable enough to tell me he had been accused of this , is what I would be asking if I were you.

Greenvases · 25/06/2025 17:49

skymagentatwo · 25/06/2025 16:38

I should hope the school now talk to all involved about the seriousness of making shit up and claiming racism where it does not exist. As the implications for your son the falsely accused could be demonised and traumatised and faced serious consequences had the scholl taken a different direction.

Typical MN still holding your son to account even when innocent.

This.
I would be contacting the school on this basis.

It's a shocking accusation to have levelled at you, yet it has been contradicted repeatedly by those around your son at the time.

What are the consequences for the false accusations?

I would do everything formally by email and make it clear that while you understand they followed procedure, you are deeply unhappy that your son was innocently involved in such a damaging allegation.

I would want a meeting.
I would want everything documented by the school formally.

I would want a fullsome statement from the school about their investigation, outcome and actions dealing with false accusations, and your son being fully cleared.

A phone call is absolutely not an acceptable way to communicate him being cleared.

I would be asking for their complaints procedure as you intend to escalate this most serious distasteful episode formally, if this isn't resolved satisfactorily by them.

Screw that, bandying about accusations of that nature.

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 17:54

Mmm responses from let it blow over to create hell 🙈 DS genuinely saw this as not a big deal-he was accused of something and then told it was found to be untrue. As far as he was concerned it was not a big deal so for those asking me why he did not say, rest assured he knows to do so in future but on the other hand he’s not an adult so isn’t as aware of the seriousness of what he was accused of!

I’m thinking of following his lead but being very vigilant going forwards in case this is the beginning of bullying.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 25/06/2025 18:00

@Sleepdeprived42long

I’m thinking of following his lead but being very vigilant going forwards in case this is the beginning of bullying.

I think this is the right approach.

I also like the idea of you talking to him about the kind of things he should tell you about.

Both of these are really good ways for him to work on independence and navigating different situations.

Ha, I know you were likely referring to my post above 😁 I probably should have said that I can totally understand your concern and your feelings of being left out are valid.

Greenvases · 25/06/2025 18:02

Great he was surrounded by people that contradicted it, thank goodness.

Great that it was cleared up and he is cool about it.

My problem with this is what exactly would be the position if he didn't have anyone to dispute this lie?

What would be the consequences for your son if it was that persons word against your son's?

No way would I not be asking the above by email and have his exonoration clearly noted.

He's been really "lucky" he had people to speak for up him.

5128gap · 25/06/2025 18:02

Genevieva · 25/06/2025 17:39

All true but in this case the allegations are unfounded, so the issue is bullying the OP’s son by spreading false allegations.

The school don't know the allegations are unfounded though. All they know is that no one else heard the slur, which means the allegations are unproven. If your child claimed to have heard another child use a racist slur, would you expect them to be punished for bullying if no one else said they'd heard it?

Clocksoff · 25/06/2025 18:08

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Clocksoff · 25/06/2025 18:10

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Theunamedcat · 25/06/2025 18:15

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No biggie because they are naive enough to believe innocent people have nothing to fear

Clocksoff · 25/06/2025 18:19

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Theunamedcat · 25/06/2025 18:30

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He is 12 🤷‍♀️ they can be very overconfident at this age

Clocksoff · 25/06/2025 18:32

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Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 18:53

this is why I feel for this generation of children-this thread is an example of how we hold 12 year olds to the same standards as people with fully formed brains 🙈 My DS thinks ahead by about an hour no joke at this age! School said he wasn’t in trouble, DS thinks no big deal, really not that difficult to see why he took them at their word and moved on pretty quick. It’s only as we grow up (and people start to make unfounded accusations about us for example) that we start to see the world from a more ‘adult’ perspective with all the nuances that come with that!

OP posts:
Clocksoff · 25/06/2025 18:57

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Clocksoff · 25/06/2025 19:01

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Megifer · 25/06/2025 19:05

Sleepdeprived42long · 25/06/2025 18:53

this is why I feel for this generation of children-this thread is an example of how we hold 12 year olds to the same standards as people with fully formed brains 🙈 My DS thinks ahead by about an hour no joke at this age! School said he wasn’t in trouble, DS thinks no big deal, really not that difficult to see why he took them at their word and moved on pretty quick. It’s only as we grow up (and people start to make unfounded accusations about us for example) that we start to see the world from a more ‘adult’ perspective with all the nuances that come with that!

I also wouldn't be concerned in the slightest if my DS didn't tell me this, he'd also see this as not a big deal if the teachers said all was fine.

If there were no chicken burgers left at lunch though, Id never hear the end of it 🙄