To be worried about dd’s future

[alwaysaworryaway]

My dd has been a SAHP since she got pregnant at 16 and is now 42 and is expecting her 5th baby. Her Dh earns very little to be honest and they rely on my help a lot.
She didn’t do very well in her exams at school and isn’t academic, she also had no further education after leaving school and has no work experience.

So with no pension, barely any income and 5 children one has moved out now, I just don’t know what will become of her.
She just seems to have written life off and is drifting along just trying to get through.
I worry because she’s never had any friends and never seems to be happy.
At some point she’ll have to find paid work as she’s got another 30 years almost of working years but I don’t know how she’ll go about this when the time comes, which it inevitably will.
I can’t be around to support them forever.

Sorry, Op, that doesn’t sound good.

From what you’ve written she does sound like one those people who has become somewhat institutionalised, on benefits forever and expects other people to look after them.

Some people are happy with this lifestyle, but you say she never seems to be happy.

it’ll be hard to get a job at her age with no experience. she could do it if she was motivated, but I’d imagine she won’t be and would find it all very daunting.

I wonder if there is someway to build her confidence and get her back into the world of work?

Although if she’s currently expecting her 5th baby it might be a year or two before she can do that. And even then she’s not going to be able to find work to cover childcare for the younger kids.

Sorry Op, it does sound really tough.

42 and pregnant with her 5th baby
So she has spent her entire life having children she can’t afford to look after.
Partner Earns very little
Because he’s a deadbeat who knows you will bail them out.
Relies on you helping out
financially.
Stop giving them money, I couldn’t see my grandchildren go without food and the basics but if I were you I’d be telling my daughter that I thought she completely selfish and irresponsible.

I don’t know what she’ll want to do, she always talks about the future as if it’s a long way off and she’ll cross that bridge when she comes to it.
I don’t think she’s on benefits as her Dh works very long hours, he just doesn’t bring home a lot to show for it and I help out a lot.

Helping or enabling?

Well I suppose I see it that all the time the children are small and they can do with some money they may as well have it now than me leave it to them later on in life when it’s now that they need it for the children. I’m not well off but I help where I can.

Could she train as a childminder as she clearly loves children

I think you’re a little in denial yourself. If she’s 42, has no qualifications and has never worked, she’s highly unlikely to ever get a job, surely?! It’s not a case of “eventually the time will come” - she can and will remain outside of the workforce her entire life. You are right to be worried as she’s in an incredibly vulnerable position.

The time to worry was when she had a baby at 16. It’s too late now realistically. Her life will be as a housewife until she is of pensionable age. At least she’ll be getting NI so should qualify for a state pension. I think you and she need t accept this reality.

Maybe she’s quite happy? A couple of generations ago it was the norm don’t forget.

She’s not at all happy, she is stuck in a rut because she’s got no qualifications and struggled with GCSEs.

She tried a job with a family member once just in a bar for a few nights during a busy period and she couldn’t work the till after 3 nights or remember anything she’d been shown. It just goes in one ear and out the other.
They said she was a liability, she just doesn’t take anything in.

She needs someone very patient to give her lots of time to learn and then I think she’d be fine.
She has an excellent telephone voice and I think she’d be very good at call handling, perhaps even from home. I know it’s probably not realistic to expect a career but there’s lots of jobs at entry level that could be realistic.
She’s got to do something or she’ll have no pension.

You mention she did poorly in school, and to this day can’t take and retain information. That seems like a very specific issue. Did her teachers make similar complaints when she was younger? Could there be an undiagnosed learning disability?

It sounds like her husband is working all the hours he can, not his fault if it’s min wage. Surely you’d prefer that than both being on benefits?

if she’s not entitled to benefits it means he’s earning a lot and maybe they just don’t like to buy things?

There's another thread on here today where someone has been a school mum for 40 years and her youngest is finishing school now and OP is 67, having had kids in school since early 80s. Sounds like your DD will be the same and might get away with never working till she's an OAP, especially if she pumps out another DC in her late 40s. The difference is the mum on the other thread sounds to have loved her life and has no regrets, albeit is sad that her school mum days are over now. Your DD is clearly not so contented but she doesn't get on with working either and has got away with not needing to thanks to you. If she's not worried about her pension situation, there's nothing you can do beyond leaving her some money/continuing to help out. Maybe the DC will look after their mum in her dotage, if they don't follow her example. Hopefully they'll go the other way and want to have a more adventurous and fulfilling life.

Well who knows? She seems to think she’s got this and that that she’s read about but she’s got no diagnosis herself.

Her unhappiness is a problem. Otherwise I’d assume that she loves being a Mum. She may not have many friends, but we’ll have plenty of children and grandchildren to look after her in old age. I’m afraid you have to let her live her life and not worry about it too much.

Unfortunately, it is not up to you to change her life, and it is up to her.

You can support and encourage development, yes, but you cant force change.

I have one DS and work full time, as does his dad (we split) and my DP works full time and we would struggle with two children, never mind 5. I have no idea how they cope or why they think having as many children is a good idea. Its not as if contraception costs any money or is difficult to get.

Whilst she is pregnant, she could try to do some training courses and learning at entry level. However, this would require support from her partner, and perhaps others to facilitate due to busy home life. Without these, she will struggle to ever find employment.

In regard to supporting them, I would limit any cash/monetary expenses to them. No harm in dropping off some essential food etc on a weekly basis, but if you are doing full food shops, paying bills or giving them money, it has to stop.

They may be comfortable because they know they have a bail out and (sorry!) Perhaps a pay out when you are gone.

Sometimes you need to be harsh to be kind.

I'm sorry OP it sounds utterly depressing and if I'm honest I would be disappointed and frustrated.

Also to be brutal at 42, with no qualifications and no work experience it will be an uphill struggle.

I think volunteering might be a good way into this. It's a low risk and manageable way to get some experience under her belt.

It sounds like you've enabled her. At 42 I highly doubt she'll be attempting to get a job.

Are the children well looked after? How does she cope with them if she struggles to take information in?

Could she become a childminder?

Yes she is a very good mum and it suits her.
I know she did consider childcare a few years ago but she couldn’t complete the coursework as she found it hard and was told at the time, she’d not be able to do the level 2 without GCSEs but even after trying again she couldn’t pass them. She finds maths very difficult. She got all Gs in her original exams.

I don’t know what the answer is, of course you worry about them but I need her to plan a future and stop thinking she was just dealt an unfair hand and opting out.

Stop with providing money etc then you wont need her to do anything for you.

She's 42, had an income subsidized by her mother, probably from 16 and her partner has spent all these years not even trying to better himself and career for his family's future. She's chosen not to get contraception and have 5 children despite this predicament she's in.

The only way she will learn to turn her life around is when she is rock bottom, only got her partners income and benefits to live off and realises the bleak situation she is in.

If she keeps getting bailed out, there wont be any motivation to improve her situation.

When her latest baby is a bit older she could maybe start out as a midday supervisor at school? She clearly likes children, and it's very part-time so would ease her in gently?

I think she needs to check out her NI position and eligibility for benefits. Could she become a cleaner, home help, school dinner lady? Local job centre may help.

Does she want to actually work?

If they are on a low income and she doesn't have qualifications she may be eligible for funding. She could easily do night school or online courses. Alternatively partner looks after the kids and she does some volunteering such as in a charity shop. Unfortunately only she can do those things. She can't throw her hands up in the air saying she can't do it if she hasn't actually ever tried. Is she actually unhappy without friends? Some people actually just prefer the company of their closest family.

Unfortunately she has to want it herself. You can't run her life for her. I know you don't want the kids to go without but I think you are probably enabling her a bit. I would imagine at 16 you did a lot of looking after the baby, having your daughter at home etc because she was still a kid herself? She's never really had to stand on her own two feet as you've always been there financially, socially and supportive.

Instead of helping her out in drips and drabs, I would start taking that money and putting it away. She is in an extremely precarious situation in multiple ways. The odds are high that one day she is going to need significant help.

Having money stashed away for this purpose will be much more valuable than the help you are providing now.

She and her husband can find ways to fill the gap for small donations. When she needs serious help, there won’t be any other solutions.