To be worried about dd’s future

[alwaysaworryaway]

My dd has been a SAHP since she got pregnant at 16 and is now 42 and is expecting her 5th baby. Her Dh earns very little to be honest and they rely on my help a lot.
She didn’t do very well in her exams at school and isn’t academic, she also had no further education after leaving school and has no work experience.

So with no pension, barely any income and 5 children one has moved out now, I just don’t know what will become of her.
She just seems to have written life off and is drifting along just trying to get through.
I worry because she’s never had any friends and never seems to be happy.
At some point she’ll have to find paid work as she’s got another 30 years almost of working years but I don’t know how she’ll go about this when the time comes, which it inevitably will.
I can’t be around to support them forever.

She’ll have a state pension. Call handler work would need actions logging on a computer system at the same time as speaking to the customer - it doesn’t sound as if she could manage that. It’s not just having a nice voice and being kind to someone.

Well who knows? She seems to think she’s got this and that that she’s read about but she’s got no diagnosis herself.

Has anyone ever tried to help her find out?

If she's struggled at school, couldn't work a till after 3 days and struggles to retain information it definitely sounds like there is something going on.

Girls are very good at masking issues

On the one hand I think being a cleaner is probably the only think she can do given her background is being in the home doing domestic work but saying that I’ve seen her housework and I don’t think I’d want her cleaning my home as it’s not clean or tidy and when it is I think her husband has stepped in.

She could get some shop work, maybe build up to a supervisor etc, not all jobs need qualifications. Doesn’t sound like she is going to be working anytime soon though

She won’t get retail work without GCSE maths, I don’t think.

Childcare is going to be the issue. I don’t know what the funding is if you’re on a low income. This would be the first thing to look in to. I was thinking that something like a dinner lady at school might be suitable to start her off & get some confidence. I know that the After School Club where my kids went had some unqualified playworkers as well as level 1 & level 2. But I imagine that would be difficult hours to cover.

They will get universal credit I imagine.

That’s a shame, everything is done via computer, it’s just learning it. I got a D in my maths GCSE and it hasn’t affected by career, I earn well. I also had a baby at 16, but having him pushed me to want to further my education so we could have a good life. He is 31 now, and has a great career himself. Being a SAHM was never for me, but some women are content with that, and that’s fine it not relying on state benefits, like this lady isn’t. But OP is right to worry about her future.

No it doesn’t now does it, I must admit I was quite surprised to hear about number 5 as there’s a bit of an age gap between the last two. I hope it isn’t because being a mum is all she knows and fears the real world.
I hope she does find her way.
I know because she has trouble getting the hang of things she gets anxious when people get frustrated or cross with her.
It is frustrating when someone is forgetful and disorganised, I hope someone will see past it all. It feels like she’s just wasting her life away trying to get through it.
I don’t think deep down this is what she wanted and I don’t think she’s ever been happy.

If they are getting universal credit I wonder if the latest pregnancy is a result of her being asked to attend a work related meeting and she's found the prospect of that overwhelming.

If she isn't on benefits and the partner is happy funding this lifestyle is it really an issue?

Obviously it's ok for you to say no more financial help from yourself, and if you are resenting it then do, but if they are standing on their own two feet and the children are well cared for, clean, fed and loved, then it's a lifestyle choice not a shortcoming.

I live similarly to her (although I am younger with less children and won't personally choose to have more than my current 2). I am happy. Since deciding not to try and do it all (look after children, the house, and have a career) I am much happier in life. I don't have to worry about putting my children into the care of others and whether they are being taken care of properly.

My partner is self employed, and I sell produce at the gate (we don't have a farm, we rent a cheap house in a very low cost area with 3 acres which is my hobby garden, but it mostly feeds my family, makes a small side income to pay for trips out for the children, helps me feel like i am contributing and gives me something to do with the children)

Together our income is only 30000 a year, but we manage and live well.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that your daughter is unlikely to find meaningful work if she struggles with processing information and has never worked. She may never be employed. The only problem I see is that she seems unhappy. Is she unhappy because of her situation or is she looking unhappy because she feels you are judging her lifestyle?

It wouldn't have been unusual going back even 50 or 60 years so why look down on her for it now?

If she is unhappy with her situation maybe encourage her to do a little bit of work for herself - make or grow something for sale, get into reselling, but otherwise she doesn't need your concern.

You get NI credits when you claim child benefit, I think to the age of 12. Probably on track for a full state pension. We’re similar ages and I think it’s 35 qualifying years and should already have 20 plus depending on age of children plus 12 more.

Pendion credit if falls slightly short.

does she still get NI insurance if she’s not claiming benefits?

She really needs to have a SPLD assessment, if she enrols on a college course she should be able to request one free of charge.

It sounds like you needed to at least attempt to get her struggles at school assessed at the time (or at any point since).

I know a woman in a similar position who works as a pot wash/kitchen porter. It’s very easy work - literally just putting things into an industrial dishwasher and putting them away. Hours are normally flexible - she could either do it during school time or evenings when her partner isn’t at work. Her best bet with these would be to go in to the pub or restaurant and ask if they’re looking for a pot wash. They will care very little about qualifications etc. it’s normally a case of doing a trial shift rather than a formal interview. I would encourage her to look for something like that.

She’s 42 but she wasn’t interested in learning at school ever, she never did any work at school or any homework.

She had no pride in anything, bits of crumpled paper stuffed in her bag that she couldn’t care less about.
Her school years were no walk in the park and I think the teachers were at their wits end with her.
How can you teach someone who doesn’t want to learn?

I tried to help her with homework but she wasn’t interested, the teachers tried to get her to do something but she never listened and was too busy gazing out the window in a daydream, it was exhausting.
I tried and tried but she was a difficult child and teen. Although now as an adult she is very kind and caring but those teenage years were very difficult.

That’s a very good idea thank you.

Thank you for all your replies, I think I will have to back off a bit and let her figure it out. I can’t live her life for her and she is old enough to work it out.
Maybe I’m not doing her any favours by giving her money so I might cut back on that unless emergency.

She’s probably ND and with no support- this is what happens

It sounds like she has severe ADHD from everything you've said. This is how it can manifest if left undiagnosed and untreated - it's not your fault OP as ADHD in girls wasn't recognised as much as it is today.

Id support her in getting a diagnosis, that's how you can help her now. You can do right to choose on the NHS which is quicker.

It sounds like she needs something to boost her self esteem, qualifications aren't everything, if she turns out to be reliable and hard working she will get jobs. My DS worked at a warehouse after leaving school. It was a fast paced environment and the warehouse became cluttered with empty cardboard boxes as orders were picked. There were two older women whose job it was to keep the warehouse clear, they didn't have qualifications and English was their second language but my DS regarded them the most important people in the warehouse. He hated it when they were off - everything became difficult and picking orders was so much harder to do. All the pickers loved these ladies and they were recognised for what was a vital job - no qualifications required.

But did you do anything to find out why she was like that.

I have ADHD and tbh you are describing me. If something doesn’t interest me it doesn’t exist.
ADHD, autism, dyslexia, dyscalculia, even colour blindness.

Has she done any online tests for any of these things

Help her get assessed with whatever is going on. Even if that is making the appointments at the doctors to get her referred for assessment
Printing out her online tests to show why she thinks she has what she thinks she had

Making sure she gets to the doctors appointment

Help her to go down the right to choose road to get a quicker assessment for ADHD etc

Help her to answer the questions on the forms and look up ADHD and how it affects females

Anyone else in the family like her or even anyone of her children you can see is following a similar path, has similar responses to similar situations. They too will need to be assessed

Also if she has been claiming child benefit in her name since her first born then she has 26 years of NI credits in her name so only a few more years and she will get her full pension

Shell get state pension if shes been claiming CB all that time, that said you must stop enabling her behaviour.
as you said you wont be around forever so stop giving her money, and back off on the childcare.