TW. Ex bestfriend has reached out to me during a hard time and I feel stuck!

Helpagaloutplz · 2025-06-24T09:52:26+00:00

Possible trigger of premature babies… My used to be closest friend has messaged me late last night to let me know she’s just had a premature baby at 32 weeks - unexpected and out of the blue with an understandably traumatic birth. She sent me a photo of him and he is tiny but health wise will be absolutely fine, potentially a month in NICU. I messaged her back straight away to say I hope her and baby are doing as well as can be and that I’m sorry to hear what’s happened. I care about her a great deal. The thing is, we haven’t spoken for 18 months because we had a huge falling out. We met last year of uni and had been friends for well over 10 years. I felt like as I grew, she didn’t. She never accepted the fact that I have other friends and would make her jealousy clear (calling me whilst I’m out with them etc) and she used to put me down quite a lot. She has autism so I always always gave her grace but sometimes she would say very unfiltered, rude things to me and make comments here and there. Plus the calling and texting daily. The truth is, despite all this I love her dearly and most of the time, she was an incredible friend. She has messaged me this morning and I do not know what to do. I want to support her and can’t bare her being in a hard position with her prem baby. I also have to remember why we fell out and that she wasn’t the kindest. What would you do? I feel like right now isn’t the time to talk about us falling out, right?

Dangermoo · 24/06/2025 10:58

I would wish she and her baby well - that's the most important thing at the moment. You are not obliged to do anything else. You can't just be expected to forgive and forget, if you don't want to.

Energywise · 24/06/2025 11:00

i think you should leave her there… in the past. You can never resolve issues and move if you don’t address the issue. And since this isn’t the time, it will be a big issue hanging over.

If anything, whatever her issues were before it will be X100 now as she’s going through her own stuff. So the only choice you have is to go back to the same old stuff and not say a thing because you would be the bad one and then the fallout and resentment would be bigger.

I would just wish her well and not open that door again.

MyKingdomForACat · 24/06/2025 11:00

Agree with @Dangermoo Wish them all the best but remember: what pissed you off the last time will piss you off this time x

Eldermileniummam · 24/06/2025 11:01

Just because she's now having a tough time that doesn't mean you have to be her friend OP. In your position I would message her back (if you want to) but not straight away because that will give the impression you want to get back into a back and forth conversation or close friendship and instead send her a message later on or even in a couple of days so she knows you are on speaking terms or even still friends but the friendship isn't necessarily what it was.

I had a falling out a year ago with a close friend and I got to a point where I realised I was no longer angry with her so I sent her a message when I saw online something had happened in her life and we had a quick exchange of messages so we are on good enough terms that we'd probably stop and say hello if we bumped into one another and we may even meet up at some point and become friends again but our friendship hasn't just gone back to where it was as we fell out for a reason.

FOJN · 24/06/2025 11:04

I wouldn't do anything.

She has had 18 months between your falling out to contact you and mend fences but she hasn't.

Wish her well but leave the fall out and the friendship in the past.

Endofyear · 24/06/2025 11:07

What was the huge falling out about? Do you want to get back to being friends or are you happier leaving this friendship in the past?

I would keep your texts fairly neutral, tell her you hope baby is doing well and not offer to go and see her or meet up, if you're feeling like you want to keep your distance.

notsorighteousthesedays · 24/06/2025 11:08

Do what is right for you but consider that this is perhaps her reaching out to you for a reset in your relationship. If you can bear to....

Does she have a supportive partner and family? She may well be less demanding of you in future as she has a new focus.

I had a major falling out with my younger sister years ago and we didn't speak for a long time - the longer it went on the harder it was to envisage any way to end it but when she was suddenly made redundant completely out of the blue I found myself automatically contacting her to commiserate and we moved forward from there....

If you miss her it could be well worth a try. ❤And in my opinion there is always room for a new baby in your life.

WheresthesaladTheresthesalad · 24/06/2025 11:10

Dangermoo · 24/06/2025 10:58

I would wish she and her baby well - that's the most important thing at the moment. You are not obliged to do anything else. You can't just be expected to forgive and forget, if you don't want to.

Great advice from @Dangermoo

Daleksatemyshed · 24/06/2025 11:25

The question is, if she wasn't now in need of support would she have ever contacted you? You can't know the real answer so I'd keep this light Op, don't rush to answer messages and see what she does. Your Ex friend was possessive of you and your time, that could get a lot worse now and it's up to you how much you're willing to give

paradisecircus · 24/06/2025 11:30

I'd support her - as you have. You clearly care about her.
She presumably no longer thinks you're the best of friends, so may not be expecting much more than messages of support from you at this stage.

Spanglemum02 · 24/06/2025 11:37

When you have a premature baby you're in a huge amount of shock. I've no idea if this is her first baby but it's a traumatic way to become a parent. She may have contacted everyone she knows.
As others have said, if you don't wish to revive the friendship wish her well and don't get involved. Some of her previous behaviour might be explained by autism. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with sometimes.

Original poster

Helpagaloutplz · 24/06/2025 11:37

Daleksatemyshed · 24/06/2025 11:25

The question is, if she wasn't now in need of support would she have ever contacted you? You can't know the real answer so I'd keep this light Op, don't rush to answer messages and see what she does. Your Ex friend was possessive of you and your time, that could get a lot worse now and it's up to you how much you're willing to give

Sorry - I should have made more clear. We haven’t spoken in 18 months but admittedly, she has tried to reach out to me on a few occasions. I hadn’t heard from her for over half a year, guess she gave up messaging as I didn’t respond to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpagaloutplz · 24/06/2025 11:38

Spanglemum02 · 24/06/2025 11:37

When you have a premature baby you're in a huge amount of shock. I've no idea if this is her first baby but it's a traumatic way to become a parent. She may have contacted everyone she knows.
As others have said, if you don't wish to revive the friendship wish her well and don't get involved. Some of her previous behaviour might be explained by autism. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with sometimes.

It is baby number 3 xx

OP posts:

PrincessOfPreschool · 24/06/2025 11:40

I would give her another chance. This difficult experience may well help develop more empathy and maturity. And she really does need a friend right now. Maybe she doesn't have many. I wouldn't just forget the other stuff but bring it up (much) further down the line.

MageQueen · 24/06/2025 11:42

So, you ended the friendship and she has regularly trie to get back in contact but you have maintained your boundary.

and now she's in a tough situation and she's got in touch again and you have found that boundary being eroded.

Becuase that's what I see here.

of course you wish her an the baby well. But there's a reason you went no contat in the frist place and even if she was able and willing to reflect on her behaviour and change, I doubt she'll be doing that while dealing with the trauma of a premature new baby.

so you've replied once, there's no obligation to reply again.

That might sound harsh but a lot of people who are manipulative and controlling are not actually bad people. They don't even realise they're doing it and they lack the capacity to consider their own behaviours. Doesn't change that their behaviours are harmful.

NuffSaidSam · 24/06/2025 11:44

I think if you love her dearly then behave with that in mind

She obviously still wants to be your friend.

If you don't love her as much as you think or can't get beyond what happened then leave it a few days and send a polite reply but don't re-engage with her.

You don't owe her anything, but equally no-one is perfect and friends who you love dearly and are incredible most of the time are difficult to come by for most people so it's perhaps worth saving.

Original poster

Helpagaloutplz · 24/06/2025 11:47

MageQueen · 24/06/2025 11:42

So, you ended the friendship and she has regularly trie to get back in contact but you have maintained your boundary.

and now she's in a tough situation and she's got in touch again and you have found that boundary being eroded.

Becuase that's what I see here.

of course you wish her an the baby well. But there's a reason you went no contat in the frist place and even if she was able and willing to reflect on her behaviour and change, I doubt she'll be doing that while dealing with the trauma of a premature new baby.

so you've replied once, there's no obligation to reply again.

That might sound harsh but a lot of people who are manipulative and controlling are not actually bad people. They don't even realise they're doing it and they lack the capacity to consider their own behaviours. Doesn't change that their behaviours are harmful.

Basically - you have hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 24/06/2025 11:53

I’d reply with a short message wishing her well. I wouldn’t reply any further if she messages you again as it might turn in to a conversation that you’re not comfortable having. And she might start leaning on you.

Do you think maybe she has messaged you because she thinks that her situation will back you in to a corner to engage with her?

BlondieMuver · 24/06/2025 11:53

MageQueen · 24/06/2025 11:42

So, you ended the friendship and she has regularly trie to get back in contact but you have maintained your boundary.

and now she's in a tough situation and she's got in touch again and you have found that boundary being eroded.

Becuase that's what I see here.

of course you wish her an the baby well. But there's a reason you went no contat in the frist place and even if she was able and willing to reflect on her behaviour and change, I doubt she'll be doing that while dealing with the trauma of a premature new baby.

so you've replied once, there's no obligation to reply again.

That might sound harsh but a lot of people who are manipulative and controlling are not actually bad people. They don't even realise they're doing it and they lack the capacity to consider their own behaviours. Doesn't change that their behaviours are harmful.

@MageQueen covered it!

Daleksatemyshed · 24/06/2025 11:55

Well if she tried a few times to contact you and you weren't interested why are you changing your mind Op. If it's because you've missed her then give her another chance, if it's because you feel bad about her baby then I'm not so sure. Friendship should be a happy thing for you both, if she gets possessive again will you feel able to pull away again

Original poster

Helpagaloutplz · 24/06/2025 12:00

funinthesun19 · 24/06/2025 11:53

I’d reply with a short message wishing her well. I wouldn’t reply any further if she messages you again as it might turn in to a conversation that you’re not comfortable having. And she might start leaning on you.

Do you think maybe she has messaged you because she thinks that her situation will back you in to a corner to engage with her?

I think she cares about me a lot, and she must think about me quite often and sometimes she will like my posts on social media. I think she misses me, if I went through a hard time she’d be one of the first to be there. We went through 2 pregnancies together, got married at similar times. We have had amazing memories.

But 10% of the time she’s a total cow bag. She doesn’t even understand why either. I have tried to give her grace because I know she can’t always understand why she is saying is hurtful, she thinks she’s just being “truthful”

OP posts:

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 24/06/2025 12:02

As so often, the first post nails it.
I have been in a similar situation but have nothing to add as @Dangermoo said it all.

funinthesun19 · 24/06/2025 12:03

Helpagaloutplz · 24/06/2025 12:00

I think she cares about me a lot, and she must think about me quite often and sometimes she will like my posts on social media. I think she misses me, if I went through a hard time she’d be one of the first to be there. We went through 2 pregnancies together, got married at similar times. We have had amazing memories.

But 10% of the time she’s a total cow bag. She doesn’t even understand why either. I have tried to give her grace because I know she can’t always understand why she is saying is hurtful, she thinks she’s just being “truthful”

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Sometimes people who you’ve had good times with and who have had their good moments can still be toxic people. I totally get why you want to keep her at arms length even if you still love her.

Sera1989 · 24/06/2025 12:04

What did you actually fall out over? It sounds like something reasonably serious if you’ve ignored her other attempts at communication. I think it shows a lack of emotional intelligence for her to reach out for support from someone who has gone NC with her. I would wish her well but not engage as she sounds like hard work

EdgarAllenRaven · 24/06/2025 12:09

You say she is only a cow bag 10% of the time, when she says things that you find hurtful and finds truthful….
What sort of comments? Could you accept these as her Autism..?
OR if you know deep down, you cannot accept it, then I’d just leave it now.
You have no obligation to reply at all.