TW. Ex bestfriend has reached out to me during a hard time and I feel stuck!

[Helpagaloutplz]

Possible trigger of premature babies…

My used to be closest friend has messaged me late last night to let me know she’s just had a premature baby at 32 weeks - unexpected and out of the blue with an understandably traumatic birth. She sent me a photo of him and he is tiny but health wise will be absolutely fine, potentially a month in NICU.

I messaged her back straight away to say I hope her and baby are doing as well as can be and that I’m sorry to hear what’s happened.

I care about her a great deal.

The thing is, we haven’t spoken for 18 months because we had a huge falling out. We met last year of uni and had been friends for well over 10 years. I felt like as I grew, she didn’t. She never accepted the fact that I have other friends and would make her jealousy clear (calling me whilst I’m out with them etc) and she used to put me down quite a lot. She has autism so I always always gave her grace but sometimes she would say very unfiltered, rude things to me and make comments here and there. Plus the calling and texting daily. The truth is, despite all this I love her dearly and most of the time, she was an incredible friend.

She has messaged me this morning and I do not know what to do. I want to support her and can’t bare her being in a hard position with her prem baby. I also have to remember why we fell out and that she wasn’t the kindest.

What would you do?

I feel like right now isn’t the time to talk about us falling out, right?

She could simply be sending the same message to everyone on her contact list.

You are under no obligation to pick up the friendship if you don't want to. You've responded kindly already. You don't have to respond straightaway now

I think it depends entirely on whether you think this is a genuine show of remorse for her past behaviour and wanting to reconnect with you and be different from now on, or if it's just a bit of attention seeking in a bad time and she will never change.
I once spent 7 months barely speaking to someone I used to trust with my life after she treated me horrendously. She gradually reached out. I could see the remorse was real and in time I learned the reasons behind her past behaviour. It took time and a lot of gradual steps.

When we met at 20 years old her comments didn’t really annoy me as much, I just used to laugh and get on with it. As we got older she started to annoy me more. I got married, became a mum of 2 (as did she) and she was still quite demanding of me. Still calling me in the evening for a chit chat or sending me voice notes all the time, even after me saying I was busy. The sort that puts ?? If I don’t respond after 30 mins.

She just has no filter, which means comments along the lines of “Oh god that’s a common name for a baby, why did you call her that?” “Jesus you’re not going there on holiday are you, I’d never take the boys abroad this young” “Why don’t you just cancel on X this weekend and see me instead, I’m more fun” etc

Not sure these comments are that bad.
Holiday - ‘to friend - yes it’s fantastic, you ought to go’
weekend ‘ no im not cancelling I’m looking forward to it , and I’ll se you on X’
The name thing is a bit bad but ‘ well I love it and it was very Rude for you to criticise the name ‘
if your friend doesn’t understand the meaning of criticism, then that would definitely be the end of the friendship.

There’s a lot more but I don’t want to be outing.

You should go with your gut. When you consider having her back in your life, do you feel excited and happy about that? Or do you get a nosebleed at the very thought?

Either way, wish her well, but what you do after that is very much ruled by how you really feel (setting aside any complications about how you think you should feel).

I guess we’re all different, but I’m with the OP here, I wouldn’t be friends with someone who made comments like that on a regular basis. The name one is awful!

You either want a friendship with her or you don’t. But it sounds like you need to be more direct with her if you don’t.
Clearly, she’s going through a lot and has reached out. You can be polite until she’s out of the tough times but you owe her honesty at least.
Perhaps the experience with a prem baby has given her a bit more perspective in life.

My true feelings are I’d love to have a friendship where we are able to catch up a few times a year and not be in each others pockets. I never wanted to go no contact, but every time I tried to mention I had a life and responsibilities and she couldn’t live in my pocket - within a week she would be back calling me daily again or asking me questions, really silly questions just to talk to me.

I thought I’d like you in my life but in small doses, I have tried to have many adult convos about how it’s hard to juggle 2 small children as well as a home and work and 5 other friends. I’ve tried to gently remind her she can’t say horrible things and that I didn’t like some of the comments.

My initial reaction is to leave it. Cut the communication right down to very basic with no questions so it fizzles out.

If there's scope in the future, you will be drawn together again then. Now doesn't feel like the time for you. Love and care and compassion at a distance 💐

you can wish her well without getting involved again. however it does sound like you miss her too. ? Maybe you can be friends again without the need to be as close as u were before. That way she cannot try to pester you when you are with other friends.

I think all you can do is communicate what you've just said here, as best you can, to her. If she can't accept that as the situation, then back away. It's nice that you feel ready to give things another go, because sometimes friendships that go wonky just need a bit more water under the bridge. Mind you, some are doomed to failure! Time will tell 😊

My teen is Autistic and does this thing where he will demand my reply in 5 minutes. He'll bombard me if I don't. He says why don't people just reply when they've read your message.

It's a perfect question to ask! It makes sense. I do have to repeatedly explain the nuances.

In the future - if you are drawn together again - and it's the right time, you explain kindly and clearly and if it is not understood that is the very end of it imo.

Now - she is not in a place to hear or receive this important boundary is she. It's not the time. You want her to just stop. But she probably won't right now with this new life challenge she's facing.

Distance with kindness. That's it.

You can have autism and also be a selfish cowbag

100%

I knew she was like this from early on in the friendship, she did get worse as time goes on. I just feel like I spend so much time repeatedly telling her the same old reasonings as to why I can’t reply within 30 mins and that I have other things going on. I do understand autism can be a reason for people to have no filter and not quite understand why others get hurt by their actions.

If she has support around her I think you need to ignore the messages from now on.

I imagine (with the autism and how you described her) she thinks you’re good friends again because you replied. If you carry on that will solidify it for her and you’ll be straight back to where you were 18 months ago.

Not everyone is capable of self-awareness, reflection and behaviour adjustment, unfortunately.

There is your answer lovely. It is not your fault this is too much for you. You don't want to have to do this at this moment. So don't.

she does sound incredibly annoying and rude!
I think you are within your rights to just not respond, OR if she needs it spelt out, you may have to spell it out…
Eg I really wish you and your family all the best. I am sorry but I am so busy now and don’t really have time for an intense friendship… or some such

These sort of comments would bother me so I understand why you get fed up of her.
I have a family member who doesn’t think before he speaks either, and then he has the cheek to play the victim when people pull him up on the things he says. People like that are exhausting.
Sounds like your friend thinks she’s quirky by calling herself “truthful”. Annoying 🤦🏼‍♀️.

OP I posted above but I'm also concerned your friend may get using her situation to get the friendship back and also to have some sort of power over you as, if you do befriend her, you may end up letting her get away with more because she's going through a hard time.

Just leave it at that.

You’ve been kind in your response and wished her well.

You know that the relationship with her is not enriching or bringing joy so leave it be.

I think she's better off without you if im honest.

As you are the only one to think that, can you explain so I can try and look at this perspective?

She has messaged me with another update on baby. I have just responded saying I am glad he isn’t doing too bad given his gestation and that I hope her and the family are doing as well as they can and that I may not message after this but I hope that baby is home safe and well as soon as so they can enjoy their family of 5